Tired of having plans canceled. :/

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*shrug* I'd go to have my body fat measured but I feel like that would make me feel worse. So I'll just call myself "fluffy" for right now. XD

In regards to the original post: when people agree to meet with you, then give excuses but make no effort to provide compensation, it's safe to bet that they're scum. Though I don't date anymore, I generally apologize and try to make up for it when I have to cancel a planned meeting of any kind - I would think it rude not to do so.

Whether you've decided to ignore the guy or get some kind of revenge (though that would be hard, if not impossible, as you only know each other on facebook), it pays off to realize that you're a better person than he is. I do think you cling unreasonably to people who act cruelly towards you, e.g. pistonhead, specifically because you feel you need to somehow change yourself or do things differently in order for people to like you. It would help, I think, to disregard what other people want you to be and focus on what you want yourself to be, irrespective of your social climate.

I second the idea that lifting weights makes you look pretty and gives you more options in terms of dating. Being overweight can (in my opinion) be a legitimate reason for men refusing to ask you out, but you can probably fix that in a matter of months by lifting weights or jogging.

No, you ARE worthy, and you have to tell yourself that. If you let your self esteem be dictated by others' actions this will continue to happen. You really have to believe that you are a quality woman and deserve the same quality in a guy. I would not play this dude's little game- if he is blowing you off then just move on. You don't have to go out and find another guy even. Just move on with your life. You have important things to do- school, acting, friends, and you don't have time to wait around for this guy. I get the impression he was playing with more than one girl on the FB because a general announcement to all women in an age group that you are available? Uh- I don't like the sound of it. He could be stringing any number of women on.

It takes time to meet good people and figure out if they are date-worthy. No one has it easy in this regard if they have any standards. There is nothing wrong with you just because you have not found someone yet.

Yeah, I haven't heard back from the guy yet. It's safe to assume he's not going to bother either. I mean, he wasn't the best looking guy either so I don't think he can afford to be a jerk to girls. :/

I don't know why I cling to people like that. I didn't really view it that way. But what if I want to be what they want me to be? Smart, beautiful, talented, etc. You know, everything I'm not really. >.>

I hate jogging/running or anything like that. I'd have to do it outside and people watch those who jog and I don't want them watching me. Not to mention it just isn't fun. With the college food provided here, I probably won't be losing much while I'm here unless I develop bulimia. So I pretty much missed out on the whole college dating thing where girls are dating new men every year/semester. That's what they're supposed to do and I missed my opportunity by picking the wrong guy once. So by the time I'm attractive enough, I'll be too busy working to pay off college bills to have time to do anything fun. I'll probably never see anyone outside of work and family for years. >.<

pumibel - Apparently there is. Grandma already had her first child at my age and Mom was engaged to be married. Granted, they were everything I'm not so that's probably why. :/

I used to do that myself. I think the reason, in my case, was that I had been "house-trained" by a narcissistic father and a borderline (later schizophrenic) mother to change my identity into whatever others wanted me to be. I also felt that I could help people by being what they wanted me to be, whereas I am now aware that good persons don't expect you to change your identity for their sake, yet evil persons often try to take advantage of this flexibility.

If I were in your place, I would start asking myself what I needed to do in order to cultivate the qualities I wanted in myself, rather than denying that it's possible to have them. I would then explore the counter-productive thoughts and feelings that would inevitably arise out of my inner questioning (e.g. "well, I just can't do it", "but I'm good for nothing anyway", "I failed the last time I tried"), discern their origin and either try to annul them if they are invalid, or work around them if I consider them true (e.g. "I failed last time, I'll either try again with the same strategy to see if my previous loss was simply bad luck or try a new strategy").

Note that "I'm not really [insert quality here]" is more of a feeling than a thought. A feeling is neither true nor false; rather, it either exists (and shapes your motivations) or doesn't.

For me, it's always a matter of "how much time will it take to learn the new skill" rather than "can I do it?". I never ask any divine entity for permission to develop myself, I just go for it.

I'm wondering whether you experienced a lot of abuse in your childhood and adolescence (if you posted about this elsewhere in one of my threads, I apologize in advance).


This is the part that makes me shake my head in disbelief. What good can come out of dating new men every year / semester?

It seems to me that you have bought into what society has told you so much that you cant see the wood for the trees. you need to learn to back yourself. Even if you can see people who are things you think that you arent, you need to feel that you are as good as them. I dont think that will come overnight though. It may take quite a while to shake these thoughts off.

i'm not sure i understand your comment. you're saying that you don't find fat girls attractive? or that you think other men should reject fat women?

because there are lots of guys that like their girls bigger, and truly find extra fluffiness attractive...

really, any reason people reject each other could be legitimate in their own eyes, based on what they find attractive. we all have preferences. but there is no reason to expect that a man or woman should change themselves just to be found attractive by a different subset of people. i.e. if some men like blonde women more than brunettes, should dark-haired women bleach themselves blonde? it's better to just seek out men who love brunettes...

i don't think weight has much to do with it in general. there are always going to be reasons people are rejected by others, and no person can please everyone. confidence in one's own self attracts potential partners.



QFT

^ Thx

Verbal and emotional abuse, yes. Family doesn't understand my AS and always yelled at me when I started to cry. "Oh what are you crying about now? Get over it!" I'd tell them that I'm having a meltdown my mom would be like, "Oh what's my excuse then? You aren't THAT special." Brother harassed me for my weight all my life. "It's okay Meg, you'll find a chubby chaser. If they really exist." My first boyfriend abused me physically and emotionally, luckily he was a p**** so it didn't hurt much but it was the shock value that gets me. My most recent ex manipulated me for blowjobs whenever he wanted them. The rest of the time it was like I didn't exist.

It's the experience, I guess. Not to mention it determines a woman's value by how many men pine for her. I was at the bar with my friends last night and my friends and I were talking about how a guy is flirting with one of the girls. My one friend says, "Well, it has to be Amy because everyone else here is either taken or Megan (me)." Gee, thanks. She is right though. I am one of the only girls who's perpetually single. The other girl was like, "Yeah, if you were flirting with my brother I wouldn't approve at all." So yeah, no one wants me to be with anyone it seems. I looked around and all the guys that were available I would have no chance with. By the time I'm of a datable body type, I'll be old and unable to have fun.

But I'm not. If I was as good as them, I would have similar qualities but I don't.

I'm going to have to agree with Erisad here. You're essentially telling a homeless person who hasn't eaten in three days, to "feel like you have as much food as the people who are walking out of restaurants". Zen_mistress, your heart may be in the right place, but your advice is misguided. Telling someone to "feel this" or "feel that" without telling them how isn't helpful. I, personally, take it one step further, and interpret the advice as laughing at my misfortune.

Pretty much. If I could just command myself to feel better instantly I would have done it years ago.

Only part of my post has been quoted. Noone saw the part at the end for some reason:

I dont think that will come overnight though. It may take quite a while to shake these thoughts off.

As you can see, I never said she could feel better overnight. I said she could feel better about herself, but it would take quite a while to get to that point.

I am actually going through self esteem issues as well. I am in the same boat. I am merely saying that eventually she will need to shake off this BS she has absorbed from society (as I will have to learn how to do too.)

And, I am writing this because I truly believe that the societal stuff we absorb through the magazines are rubbish. All the expectations put on us, all the pressure: Rubbish. Many of us here, and also a number of NTs dont meet these stupid expectations, so why not throw them out? Make our own expectations for ourselves which are based on who and how we are.

I thought with the photo I saw of Erisad, she looked quite pretty to me, anyway.

This is one of your friends?

I think you've been around your family too much. I wouldn't expect any normal person to treat her child the way your mother did, especially a crying child; it might be worth looking into whether she has narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists gain a perverse, sadistic pleasure from humiliating vulnerable (e.g. depressed) people, whereas normal folks would not typically humiliate people who are crying.

Your brother and your "friends" sound like they also have a bad attitude. I think it's a waste of time for you to seek acceptance from these people, as these are not people whom you yourself would accept. It's okay for you to reject and leave people who deliberately cause you harm, so don't be afraid to do it.

No, it doesn't. You would seduce men more easily if you were to lose weight, but your value as a person would not go up, since your actual qualities would stay the same.