Can one be too different to have friends?

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Since I started high school three years ago (I'm in my fourth and final year now), I've spent almost every waking moment thinking about how much my life sucks and how much better it would be if I had some friends--people whom I could talk to on a daily basis and maybe do stuff with on weekends. I'm not even kidding. Almost every day, I search on Google and other search engines for ways to deal with loneliness and social anxiety, like I'll one day come across a page that has all the answers. Every article I find says to use antidepressants, to see a shrink, or to do any number of things that never work.

I saw a shrink and was put on Zoloft after being hospitalized for suicidal ideation for a week in my freshman year--it was nothing serious, but I guess I didn't realize you're not supposed to go to a guidance counselor if you're having any thoughts about killing yourself at all (I don't object to receiving help, but even now, I think that was overkill for my situation). Anyway, I saw the shrink once every two weeks for several months before he asked me if I felt I needed to see him anymore. I felt like I was being pressured to say no--probably because I rarely ever took his advice--so I did. I also stopped taking Zoloft because I didn't want to make my parents continue paying for medicine that I'm not sure was ever any help.

I didn't suddenly make a bunch of friends after that or stop feeling like a loser, so, for the last two or three years I've been trying to figure it out on my own. In addition to constantly looking up ways to deal with these problems online, I've read all these self help books that basically say the same things and posted on forums about my problems many times (but not this one). I probably know enough about how normal people can deal with anxiety and make friends to write a book about it, but I'm obviously not normal.

I try very often to socialize with my peers at school, but every day I do that, I go home more convinced than before that there is something fundamentally wrong with me or that, at the very least, everyone else thinks so. No one ever seems like they genuinely want to talk to me; they only seem willing to entertain my attempts at conversation, knowing that I'll very soon shut up and leave them alone. I don't know if it's because they can detect my anxiety or because I never look like I'm in a good mood or because they don't like my quiet, monotonous voice (I really do try to inflect, but it's exhausting and it never works) or whatever. Whatever it is, I know that no one wants to talk with me or be friends with me.

I even see this sort of behavior in teachers, too. It seems that many of them only talk to me because they have to answer my questions and tolerate my idiosyncrasies. I'm pretty sure many of them don't want me in their classes. I know that, at the very least, they treat me differently.

I joined the school's GSA recently, thinking that maybe it would be easier to communicate with other LGBT people in an environment in which tolerance of difference is particularly valued. I had never joined before because I was in another club (where I also never made friends) that met on the same weekday. It's nice, but I know that I am, once again, the weirdo who is treated differently and who says very little.

I'm feeling like my brain just isn't wired to communicate with other people, no matter how desperately I want to do so. Can one be too different to have friends? I've heard that life gets better for eccentric people once they reach college, but I go to a fairly large high school, and I don't even have one friend. It's obviously not for lack of trying. I really am all alone.

I would find other ways to distract myself, but for a long time I haven't really had a hobby or interest that I could get much joy out of. Maybe it's because of the depression and anxiety.

Sorry if this is tl;dr.

It's unfortunate that your LGBT group disparages you, but I suppose since "a gay friend" is the new hot accessory, you are SO OUTLET BIN. *sarcasm*

I would suggest using the internet to zero in on an age-appropriate, interest sharing "friend." Build an online relationship based on commonality, and arrange to meet later. That may sound "creepy" in 2010 context, but it has worked beautifully for many.

And yes, college is better. High school is a mandated activity, and all of the other 'misfits' are to busy breathing to look around for like kinds in an environment full of sharks.

I got lucky in high school. I made a friend when my first freshman grammer test was returned and the well-known intellectual (and future valedictorian) got a lower score. She and I became fast friends. She was my only; but she had many. It's tough to make a friend . . . keep trying.

One is all you need (to totally corrupt Lennon).

If you need temporary internet solace, message me. I'll provide an ear for your thoughts. And maybe more ideas.

This world conditions people to think and act a particular way in order to gain acceptance into a group much like how the animals still work because people are not yet strong enough to be an individual. They tell you that you need others or you are useless. That is the machine speaking. You are aware of this and this is why you don't "fit in". You can actually take the lead and create your own world and bring in friends that you want. Just find those who are lost in the eyes and tell them about your world with confidence.

I think it took me till about 15 to realize that friends were confusing entities in my life so I ditched everyone and considered myself a loner from that point on. In my adult years I made friends with people but it was always centred around a shared interest. I think my idea of what a friend is has changed much over my life. In my younger years I thought a friend was someone who would always be there whenever I needed them and would be a lifelong friend. As I matured I realized that that is far too much to ask of someone. Now at 40 I think friends are just people I know enough to meet for coffee or go and visit them if they get a new house or flat etc.

So maybe your idea of what a friend is may be the issue. Don't assume a friend is someone who completely understands you and will always be there. I am happy if someone is prepared to see me every couple of months and not expect too much emotion from me. I even realize how much that is to ask of someone.

I think friendship is very important in life, but the level or grade of friendship can be very different for each of us. So I have tried to match my definition of friendship with the level or grade of friendship that is comfortable for me.