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Today, I've had multiple panic attacks. The panic attacks that I have are usually triggered by external stimuli. I'm going to describe a large background of what's been happening to me for the last 7 months. The following text describes the multiple climaxes of these 7 months.

The first one started when I got in the car to go home from school. I don't exactly know what happened, but, all I heard was my mom yelling about something. After two or so minutes, she had calmed down. For some reason, we were going to get subway and have some of my close relatives over. It's not like having these relatives over is out of the ordinary, but, my mother acted like it was some big problem. For the past couple years, my mother has had severe hip problems, so, she's been somewhat frustrated. But, for the past 7 months or so, she has been terrible. This has gone along with my problems in school, lately, however, they've subsided. In March, I was very frustrated and I misbehaved quite a bit. One day, my mother was down to her last straw. She ran around the house threatening to kill me, smashing my stuff and saying she hated my niece. My mother literally had a knife in her hand. My fight or flight response kicked in. I took flight and ran away for only 3 hours. During those 3 hours, my niece and I hid in the woods. I was huddled on the ground in emotional shock for around an hour. My niece handed me Cheez-its. After that hour, I tried going into my house because I knew my mother was gone to a doctor. I was going to survey what she destroyed. But, the house was completely locked. The dogs were home, but they obviously couldn't unlock the door. So, I sat around the back yard still in shock. When she got home, she yelled at me for running away. But, I got inside and used one of my dad's netbooks. I went upstairs and got on Facebook. I talked to my girlfriend. She was shocked too. She broke up with me that day. Let me say this: I am forever traumatized of this. The next emotional traumatizing event was July 11 through July 13. This one involved my mom too. My parents started out with just run-of-the-mill bickering at the supper table. My mother abruptly left the supper table and went upstairs into my brother's vacant room and slammed the door shut. I didn't really worry until my dad went up and found out that she said she was leaving. That happened around 2 hours later when we got home from a walk. She grabbed her basic belongings and put them in a mickey mouse bag. She left then came back 15 minutes later for the change bucket. I asked her what she was doing and she replied with, "I'm goin' cross country." My dad and I then watched TV. My dad really thought she was leaving him for good, I tried to reassure him, but, I sort of had that feeling too. I never did tell him that. It was around 11 PM when we both went to bed. I went into more emotional shock. I felt like I was going to be murdered by mother, especially recalling the other event listed here. I wrote another WrongPlanet post about me wanting to kill myself. I stayed up until 2 doing that. I really can't explain how I felt. I simply felt terrible. My dad had work in the morning at 6 AM. He told me that he had to go to work, so I slept until 9 AM or so. When I woke up, I immediately felt depressed. I got up and had some breakfast. Around an hour and a half later, I messaged my sister on Facebook telling her that mom had left. My sister lives in the same town. She then called me, and, out of instinct, I said,"Please come over. Come over now." This was the first time I had ever welcomed the company of my sisters family. They eventually got over. I explained to them what had happened. My sister was very shocked and angry at the same time. I grew to be that way too over an hour. I then got into the attitude that I didn't need her anymore. I could live completely fine with just my dad. Things were looking up. But, I also felt like I wanted to spike my hair, put on black eyeliner and listen to depressing songs all day. My dad got home around 4 PM. I could see that he was teary-eyed. Our broken family discussed the problems for around an hour. I decided to release my anger by going out and sawing trees. I certainly got my exercise. We had dinner. My sister and her kids went home. My dad and I watched TV for the same amount of time. We went to bed. I seemed to be in a different emotional state. I simply felt hopeless. I felt even more suicidal than before. The next day, I had a somewhat normal day, but, I was still depressed and I still invited my sister and her kids over. When my dad got home, we discussed yet again what happened. We looked on the credit card bill and it said that she was staying at a Comfort Inn somewhere. Since there was a Comfort Inn up the street, we checked there. We found her, but, we let her be. We got groceries. We did the same thing as the night before. I slept somewhat better. I woke up in the morning. Today was my niece's birthday. I was playing a game and felt pretty good but still depressed. We were getting ready for her birthday now. I was blowing up balloons when I saw her pull up into the driveway. I immediately ran for my life upstairs and ate gummy worms. She was fine for the rest of the evening. When my dad got home, she described what happened calmly. She got all the way to the border of MA then turned back and stayed at the Comfort in by our house for 2 days. She never left the room for those 2 days. She went to some parks and drove by our house a couple of times until she finally drove into the driveway. Let me say this: I felt like crap. Not to sound like a stereotypical 12 year old but, I think my mother is evil.

So, since then, the smallest fights seem to trigger panic attacks with me. Every time, I feel like she is going to hurt me due to these previous situations that I've been in. I don't know whether these are panic attacks or meltdowns. I don't think I can take this anymore. I need help! I have a therapist, but, I never remember what happens when I'm at the appointments. Either that, or, I don't have the balls. So, I'm asking you guys: What can I do to deal with a panic attack/meltdown? What's the difference between a panic attack and a meltdown? What seems to be more common with me? How can I prevent myself from committing suicide?
Please help.

Talk to someone at school. A teacher you trust or a school counsellor if you have one.

Hang in there. You'll be ok.

Oh my goodness! Do you have a social worker? If you do, tell one of them. You can also call the police and tell them you are being threatened by your mother. She may be mentally ill or having her own kind of meltdowns. Your dad sounds overwhelmed and not able to figure out what to do and so he is frozen in indecision. It's awful to involve the police, but sometimes that's what you have to do. My daughter never hit me again after I had her arrested. Maybe your mom needs a wake-up call or treatment or I don't know what. But she sounds like she is in a lot of pain, emotionally and physically. Both of you need help now.
Oh, I hope things go better for you soon.

It's impossible for me (or anyone else) to say exactly what's going on over the internet, but it does sound like your mom has some really serious problems mentally, and according to your account, that you're coping very well with a situation that is to say the least, extremely difficult to cope with. I'm going through some pretty tough times, horrible in fact, for the past four months or so, and I can tell you that I got help before EVER getting anywhere near that point. Your mother needed to do the same long ago and I urge both you and her to get professional help. If she won't then you still need to, and if your family can't or won't do it for you, go to your school counselor...they should be able to help you out. I don't believe your mom is evil, but I do believe she isn't getting the help she needs to be the parent she needs to be for you, or you wouldn't be in the middle of this mess. My children are suffering as LITTLE of the fallout from my pain as I can possibly manage. If I had 100% control over everything and this were an ideal world, it would be none, zero, zilch, nada, nimic. It truly disturbs me to see this happening, and I really think it needs to stop, even if that means informing a trusted adult outside the family, if no one in the family can help you.

Until that happens, what I do in my situation to relieve panic attacks and help avoid meltdowns...hmmm...a few things. I note when I am becoming stressed and try to avoid getting over-stimulated with too much noise, bright light, too many people, etc. I've learned to say no to too many demands, if I can. I take a warm bath to ease the sensory overload. I am on medications, but that requires professional help. I also have found meditation helpful, and there are quite a few books on different methods.

Good luck to you, and *please* do seek help. This is way too much for someone your age to handle alone.

~Kate

Don't kill yourself. That shouldn't even be an option. You are just 12. Life is amazing for you. Know that what your mom is doing, though it maybe cruel and harsh now, if you fight through it, you will be a stronger person than most.