Really, I don't fit in. Not at all, or at least not anymore. Every where I go, I'm considered strange. Whether it be at work at a concession stand in a movie theater (not a good job for a aspie IMO), in the streets where I walk to wherever I need to be, or in various classes. It doesn't really bother me that much anymore, in fact I'm kind of numb to it now. But every so often it gets to me, especially when considering my future. Really I don't see a brighter future in terms of my social life. I used to be ok with people back in the middle of high school, then all of a sudden people started talking behind my back, saying things about me. Then everyone begins to think I'm weird (or creepy, get this a lot nowadays). And at first, I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I had trouble understanding what the problem was. Was it my appearance? Something I'd said? Didn't have a clue. As time went on, I began to change as an individual. From the constant dirty looks, to the odd glances, to the dirty remarks, the constant gossip, and even the occasional bullying. I became socially anxious, couldn't look people in the eye, began avoiding social contact and people. I even began looking at my friends differently, my parents as well. After I got my job, things went ever more downhill. I made mistakes, I was ridiculed at some points, I've heard people talking behind my back, most of my co-workers do not have good thoughts about me, including the managers. Every shift I work there is also always at least a handful of guests that end up disliking me for whatever reason as well. Further on, I began experiencing more problems. My motor skills (movements) became sloppy, I became very self conscious of what I was doing with what was happening to me, and I began to move around in what one could consider a very odd manner (I'm actually working on improving this now). Also, to make all of you aware I have been diagnosed with motor skill problems, though I never had much issues up until now. I also occasionally made/make (still do on occasions, made improvements so far) odd faces, for instance smiling at inappropriate or often random times. I've also been accused of staring, which except a few minor instances here and there I don't find to be an issue. I believe myself to be quite an intimidating character, with my height, 6'5", and my overall appearance. I often wear worn jeans (not ripped), shirts with an assortment of colors (for instance, red and white or green and blue), and maybe the occasional checkered shirt or dress shirt. I also wear a black jacket, which is quite big. My appearance is why I am considered so creepy, at least that is what I believe. And really I don't believe there is a way to fix my "appearance", at least not in the eyes of the common individual. Presentation is everything in this society. Too bad some people only judge a book by its cover (figuratively speaking). If you would like to see a picture of me and judge for yourself, visit my facebook profile: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=748671146
Anyways, I'm finished with my little speech here. Snap back to the present and things haven't changed much, minus the small improvements that I am making. Thanks for reading, if you read all of it (no TL;DR's here, unfortunately). I know what I've written may be a little messy, I apologize. It's 1am in the morning and I'm tired.
05 Nov 2010, 3:00 am
