withdrawing & becoming unreal

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Most all my life I felt like I didn't belong. I felt like I've been living in some kind of fake fantasy world. People & things never fully connected with me & nothing felt "real" to me; kind of like I'm living on a StarTrek holodeck or something. Things were empty & meaningless to me. The only time when things ever really clicked & felt real to me was when I was in a relationship with someone years ago. It was like a switch went off in my brain & a tidal-wave of emotions hit me. I was like a stereotypical Schizoid before her & suddenly became an EMO with Borderline Personality. Things fell apart because I had problems dealing with all my emotions & lots of other rezones. Sense it ended; I've been really hung-up on it & been incapable of letting go because I've been paranoid of going back to the way I used to be before her. I don't want to become empty, cold & dead inside like I was before. The only way I can let go & keep feeling real & alive is if I have a connection with someone else. I have horrible luck trying to find someone & it keeps stressing me out & cases me lots of problems; I will probably never have another contention with anyone. Being unable to let go of things has been causing me lots of problems because I sometimes view/stalk her pro on a site & give myself anxiety attacks & cause stomach problems. I'm sure people are getting tired of me talking about this stuff obsessively. The worst thou is that I sometimes think about trying to contact her. I know if I did that I would only hurt her & I would rather die than hurt her. I've been resisting so far but I'm paranoid that I will slip eventually. The only ways I can be sure that I won't is if I find someone else witch is virtually impossible & I'm also worried deep down that I would hurt someone else; I kill myself before I slip; or I let go of everything & go back to the way I was before of being empty & unreal. I'm choosing the ladder. I need to retreat inside myself & build impenetrable walls in order to avoid harm. It was like that for 20 years of my life & i was better off.

I swear when I was like 4- I thought everything the only consciousness was mine and that everyone else just existed.

Though yes, love opens up a whole new bag of worms. It is no coincidence that the first year I attempted suicide was also the year I first loved and in the following 12 years I've only gotten worse morally, again thanks to love. I do "stalk" my ex's so to speak. The one I hurt and can't blame anyone but myself for her suffering I hope with all my heart she finds someone better than me. It was only this year that she ended a 3 year silence with me and today she even told me "everyone makes mistakes" like she doesn't give a damn about what I did to her, I've lived with the guilt for almost 4 years and I'll never forgive myself because I was an as*hole and I should have known to communicate better but I guess it's better that I have ruined it. It was a long distance relationship and I'd rather carry the guilt than her when it reached it's inevitable demise. On the other hand the ones that f****d me over I WANT TO KNOW when they get cheated on, I want to see them suffer the same fate they handed me, I want them to lose their jobs and worry about how they're going to feed themselves without my help, I want to know that they look back and regret what they've done to me and wish they could go back and make it right and I want to assure them that they can't.

There's no going back from love though. Try as I did to get so numb that I wouldn't give a damn about anyone in middle school nothing worked. These feelings will stay with you until you fix what's causing them.

Yes I was 8 and it was a 4-6 month-ish relationship. I cried about it for years, any more doubts?

I had a mustache when I was 10, my mom remembers me commenting on girls being cute when I was 4. I also got caught....eh lets not go there

We often do not know that you are thinking about us. When you pull away, we assume you do not care. This is what happened to me, when the man that I love who has AS stopped talking to me, I thought he didn't care. He has come in and out of my life for the past year. I have learned that he does care and that he does think about me. That was very important for me to know.

I am able to be more patient with him, and I hope that this time he will stay in my life. There are times I think he has stayed away because he knows he has hurt me and other times I feel like he is afraid that I will hurt him. If there is someone that you want to reach out to, I think that you should do so. The person may tell you that they don't want to hear from you, but they may also be really glad that you did.

Hey i know what you are going through, im right there myself. I have Borderline Personality disorder and have been depersonlized/derealized for years without even knowing it. I would be at places and see the layout, the color, the ppl there but it just felt devoid of any emotion/spontaneousness...what i'd imagine a room to be like if all the air got sucked out of it and became airtight. I thought something was wrong but I bulled my way thru it because I knew becoming depressed would just end my active life .....I didnt seek help and I could not talk to my parents....I had also pondered that maybe all people felt this way and maybe I was just weak/retarted or had a mental illness (which BPD is) for years i didnt even feel like I had a self, that i was just a body and a consciousness just moving about automatically. I had friends until 6th grade and I felt 'alive' to that point, but from 7-10th I was pretty much depersonalized/derealized the whole time....and only I made true friends (not superficial ones who i didnt connect with) in 10th-12th did I feel that rush of emotions and feeling REAL again...thats when I realized I had a serious psychological problem. I went to college from age 18-now and was sucessful in establishing friendships and had a short relationship lasting 5 months...and that 2 year period I felt ALIVE and that life had vibrancy and emotions attatched with it. When that girl and a few others broke my heart I my Borderline Personality Disorder came bursting out like a hidden demon and demolished all relationships I had painstakingly constructed.

, I lashed out at ppl, used drugs and drank a lot, hid myself away in my apt for days and stopped all contact with some ppl. Now that ive destroyed those bridges I am falling back into feeling like nothing is real anymore- the only thing that brings me out of this fog is being physically present with a friend or my family- or by being on this forum or texting a friend because im communicating with ppl who can relate or care about me

Most of my teen years seem like a fog, I can remember what events happend and what I did but not many specific memories or meaningful ones- it was like I was there but nothing registered with me the whole time.

You arnt alone, things can get better.

I can definitely relate to these stories. Relationships bring out the best and worst in me, with regard to emotional and psychological well being. I get very paranoid about the motives of my partner after being in a 4 year relationship with a jerk who lied to me all the time. He would work hard to make me believe things then tell me later he was lying, like it was all a joke. Current partner, unfortunately, has to deal with that somewhat. I don't trust anything she says, but dammit, I love her to death. I feel like she loves me a lot, too, but I'm very intense for her and I'm definitely awkward. I also still question her motives... I can't accurately interpret body language, but I can perceive energy, if that makes sense. Sometimes I'm right, most times I'm wrong. When I'm alone, I just tick away the time. Lots of blurry time, no memories of anything special. That was my teen years. Relationships definitely stand out. I want to better myself. I feel like I have a reason for being here. To love. I love intensely. I'm sad by the idea that I might be destined to spend a life without love (platonic or romantic) due to my ability to appropriately relate to people. I feel so disjointed and discouraged, just seems like the dull boring life is simpler, as the only one you have to deal with is yourself.