At what point is it okay to give up? What's my life worth?

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This is a long one. I've been pretty much a failure and a disappointment at everything I've done in my life. I thought i was a good filmmaker, but I'm seeing now how miserable I am at that. My first job fired me because I was too slow at editing, and wasn't fitting in with the rest of the staff. The same company still uses me as a freelancer, but I'm largely getting pigeonholed as a researcher, because of my prior background in history.

I admit history is my strength my one gift God deemed me worthy of receiving, and I am really growing to despise this f*****g gift. My works days are spent sequestered, in a back office or at home doing research through books or finding images and footage online. I don't get to go on shoots, I hardly get to interact with anybody. I get to see my work taken by others and made amazing. For a recent project, I research a ton of images, which I then handed off to a graphics guy who fashioned them into an amazing animated film for a museum. Of course he gets the credit, deservedly so. It's amazing work, and what the f**k did I contribute to it? I surfed the goddam net.

On a most recent film, I was given the chance to edit it. I dug up the images, did some of my own graphical animation, and I was so proud of it. But when I screened it for the staff, they were so disappointed. It wasn't the right pacing, they though it was too cerebral, that no one would understand it. They tried to be complimentary, saying I did my best (I f*****g HATE THAT, LIKE I"M A GODDAMN ret*d), and then said they would bring in someone else to help on the animation, so I could focus on...you guessed it! The research! Always the research.

The one thing I'm good at, and I despise it. I don't even get to travel. Thanks to this digital age, most anything can be found online, or requested and emailed. I thought, by being a filmmaker, I'd get to travel, and really live life, and get some credit for my work. Not the way I'm going.

Who the hell gives a care about the pathetic little researcher in the back room? I'm beginnign to see the rest of my life, and I don't want to live it. I don't want a life of quiet anonymity, isolated, alone with only a computer. Yet I love film work so much. What can I do? I blow it when I'm given a chance, and I seemingly reinforce my talents as a researcher. What a crock. What I love to do I'm mediocre at. There are hundreds better than me, so why bother? What I'm good at, I hate. And I don't have enough money or paying gigs to turn any work down. So I pretty much have to take what I can get like a dog, which means I'll get more of the same and it'll all be a vicious circle.

What's the point of it all? If it weren't for the fact that my parents would miss me, I think at this point I'd be ready to kill myself. I have no girl, not enough money to do anything, and not enough job security to do anything other than save the little money I make. I've got no imagination, no originality and I'm getting older with nothing to show for it, while my friends from school are getting married, having kids, getting great paying jobs.

I want to kill myself, and find out if there really IS a god. I doubt it, but I sure would like for there to be one, so I can tell him to his face what a rotten son of a b***h he/she/it is, for giving so much to the people around me, and giving me the sh***y gift I've already described, on top of being an aspie. I'd ask him why he'd be so cruel as to make a mediocrity like me, why he'd give me all these desires to do good things, yet deny me any talent to accomplish those desires. I hate him, and the sh***y gifts he gave me, and before he inevitably throws me into hell, I'll spit in his face.

I hate my life.

Why did God make people with AS? To knock some sense into society.

Keep your head up, dude. Once you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up.

I think God was high on something when he thought of the idea.

(*No offense to Christians. I do believe in god but I cant imagine why on earth he would make autistic people for.)

The saying I've heard is "Just when you think you've hit the bottom, someone throws you a shovel."

Good things tend to get better, and bad things tend to get worse, provided you allow them to continue with their present inertia. I spent a period of nearly two years with my life in an endless downward spiral. But then I discovered my love for computers, and everything changed; I started moving up, and my life continued to get better. Sometimes the way things are going now just doesn't work, and you have to completely rethink your direction in life. When I started programming, everything was new and exciting again. This was because I was willing to abandon the person I used to be and explore new possibilities. It's a huge world that we live in, and there is so much to discover, more than any of us ever could in one lifetime. The time to give up is when you've exhausted every possible route you could take, and it takes hundreds, maybe thousands of years to reach that point. The journey of life will never stop until you do.

I can't imagine doing anything else. I'm done with school and couldn't afford it anyways. My problem is, I love film so much, but I'm no damn good at it. I feel like I have nothing, am nothing if I don't keep trying, but what if it means a lifetime of failure, mediocrity, poverty, misery? I'd rather kill myself now.

Use your imagination. There are probably many possibilities you've never thought of before.

I can relate to this. Growing up I wanted to be a famous musician, but guess what, I was horrible at dealing with setbacks at learning piano, got so frustrated I cried a lot and never kept at it. Then I wanted to be a famous physicist, but again, I wasn't good at keeping track of everything in school, and couldn't focus on the school subjects a lot so I got mediocre grades. It went on like that and eventually every goal I had kept getting reduced as I struggled through. I felt (and still feel) like I have wasted most of my life and it is mostly my fault for not disciplining myself and sticking to things more.

I felt pretty guilty, and was depressed for a while, but eventually I decided to just deal with the disappointment and make the most of what I had left. I think you need stop worrying about what people think of you and stop comparing yourself to your friends. The world is made by and for NT's so as an Aspie you shouldn't knock yourself if you don't meet their standards like the average person does. But if you put an NT in a room full of Aspie's, im pretty sure the NT will be the outcast.

Also look at what you said here:

The key is THEY didn't like, and THEY thought no one would understand it, as for the pacing I suspect that was their opinion as well. There were plenty of great artists who weren't appreciated in their own time, this doesn't really prove anything, and it never will. Think of all the artists that might never be recognized. (maybe because they are too great for us)

Success is what you make it. If you see the truth in that then that is an awesome accomplishment in itself because there are so many "successful" people who are just emotional leeches dependent on the opinions of other's, and some of them are quite miserable, take a look at all the movie stars who have anorexia, they haven't figured that out. The problem is we've been conditioned by advertising and society from a young age to make us think we need things we can really do without.

Don't kill yourself, everyone decomposes in the end so you already have that covered. What you don't know is where you can go before that time, and how you will feel about it in the end.

i was 31 or so before i found something that made my existence work. 26 is too young to give up. honest.

you may have to try something else. put your film making dream on hold for awhile. you'll never get to old to make a film. look at woody allen. just don't marry your step-daughter.

hang in there.

hang in there! I'm in the middle of a downward depressive spiral- been in it for nearly 2-3 years and its nearly crushed me. I'm lonely, people look down at me even though I'm smarter than them in certain aspects, i'm on a break from college, my past has left me with a myriad of emotional issues, im not working (depression)...all I do is sit here at home and idly waste away my days until i can start medication and dialectical behavior therapy in a week or so. At least you know what you love, you can always keep trying- I dont even know what my passion is yet. I love football to death, id love to be a coach of some sort but I know I cannot handle the social aspect of being a coach- i doubt i could be inspirational to my players or be 'strong' or even have them respect me not to mention coaching is hardly enough to support yourself on. Keep trying bud, or maybe look into finding another job like your current one and start fresh. Maybe there's a staff more suited to you or a certain type of filming/editing (I dont know much about the field so excuse me if this makes no sense) that you are better at like editing sports highlights for the news, or a company that produces films for indeviduals or demos..

I was actually serious when I said this. Society has sunk pretty low in terms of how people treat each other. I feel like Aspies came into the picture so people could learn to treat them respectfully, and in doing so, would also learn to treat EACH OTHER respectfully. At least that's what I think. I could be wrong, but I can't think of any better reason. Unless, of course, there is none.

I totally agree with you. But not just with aspies, but other people with disabilities as well.


As for the topic, at the age of 26 you cannot expect to have found the one thing you want to do the rest of your life. There is still a long way to go and you might stumble upon something else on the way that gets you caught. Maybe this is a road you need to go, to later on, use this knowledge to your advantage and maybe again start making films. Everyone can't like your films. All films get criticized more or less. One day you might find a new opportunity and go through with it and share your story with others and inspire people like yourself. I think it's something worth working for.

If you give up now, your chances equals zero.

I had a followup discussion about the film today with my producer. I could see how disappointed he was in me. It's not the first time either. I don't know why he keeps giving me chances when I clearly don't deserve them. I thought I'd made a really good film that was going to stand up to the quality of work this company puts out, and it is totally wrong. I've gotta take it apart now, and I've been told to not worry about transitions, time or editing, really. Just get the content assembled, so someone else, better, more talented, can do the rest.

I'm such a f*****g worthless waste of flesh. No good for anything except sitting alone poring through old photos. I'd sell my soul just to be liked by people, to be approved of. Instead, no matter what i do, I garner disappointment and veiled disgust. No wonder I don't get asked to go out to film with them. Who'd want me around anyways?

I really see my life now, what it's gonna be. I'm ready to end it.

Then maybe you should become a fortune teller. Seriously man chill out, the fact is you don't know what it is going to be.

It says you're 26, if I read it right. At 26 - my 26 - life was pretty lousy in slightly different ways from you, but it was a low.

When is it ok to give up? Ain't no rules. BUT - by me it turned up seriously at about 32, got really good about 43, getting better ever since.

Do I guarantee you will start flying at 32? No. To you know life swill not start going your way next month? No.

But when I was riding the bus, everytime I decide the bus was not going to get to my stop and started to walk, it got there just when I was too far away to catch it. Every time I figured I was on the wrong bus and got off, it turned out I should have stayed on.

Best advice I know - stay on the bus, where you have an aisle seat, don'y end anything cause it seems like it is not right.

There is a quote that I like:

You don't need to be able to do something better than you are able to. Hang in there. Something will come.

Brian, You are putting too much emphasis on what other people think. I will tell you that the majority of people in power right now on earth don't really have a taste for what is truly good. Your work could be brilliant but you are just blinded by what supposed authorities think of you and what you create. The key is to understand that you want to make something that feels good to you and if people can't see it then they are dumb.

You are not a failure. No one can take away your vision. What matters to you, show the world, if they are too dumb now to understand it then eventually they will but then it won't matter to you because by then you will know how great you are.