Rants

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Afraid of going to college, afraid of getting a job, afraid to ask out the girl I like, afraid of driving, afraid that I'll be living in my parents basement at the age of 30.

I f*****g hate acne, braces, being scrawny, never having a girlfriend at 18, not having my drivers license at 18, not knowing what I want to do with my life, not knowing what to think about religion, not having any friends, and not seeing any end to this cold dark world I'm destined to inhabit. Thank God for mortality!

I can't be believe she did that. The simple courtesy of knowing why a extended hand of friendship was smacked away was all I asked. And she's still on this goddamn campus. Go ahead and fail another test due to a hangover. Default on a student loan while you're at it. You don't deserve to tell insurance companies what to do with their money. My therapist is going to get an ear-full for this.

I'm only a sophomore right now, but I do plan on going to my dream college when I graduate. I want to be a psychologist (ironically) and I'm going to Ohio State University. If not, a virtual college will work just as fine. There I will obtain all the degrees I need, as long as no one shoots me while I'm on campus, which is quite possible in the lovely downtown Columbus area. Next I will get a job somewhere in Ohio (Delaware county is like the nuthouse of all Ohio, and I mean that in the most sincere way. Really though, most people come here for mental health aide I've been told.)

I told this plan of mine to my parents and some teachers. They all basically just started laughing in my face. Apparently I'm too stupid to pass a single class, too bitchy to make friends and survive socially, too poor to even afford it, and WAY too stupid to survive on my own. Dad says I'll probably never leave the house or learn to drive since I'm already so dependent on my mother. No one believes I can surivive without someone holding my hand. One teacher even discouraged me from taking two science classes one year, saying that "I would probably just freak out and kill myself". I get constantly harrassed with "you'll live in that room forever", "don't even try the scholarships, you won't make it to college" and more recently "no one wants to marry some jobless loser like you're gonna be". Just like my biological father.

Okey, I will admit I can get suicidal, and I will admit my grades did drop low in 9th grade. I had like 3 Cs, two Bs and one A.

I currently have an average of 101.57. If I go virtual, I don't think I will downright fail all my classes. Sure I may struggle, but who doesn't struggle with something? It's not like anyone else in my family (excluding my wonderful maternal Grandpa) went to college and graduated.

I'm kinda fed up with this. I am not a moron! I will go to college and get my freaking degrees even if it kills me, just to prove to everyone that I am NOT a moron! I will get my own house and my own car and I will get a job and no matter what they say I WILL survive on my own. I'm even gonna get married and have a family one day. Maybe not anytime soon, but it WILL happen.

No way am I letting these people decide my future. That MY job. I am DONE getting depressed over what this people say I can't do. In fact, I'm going to write a list of things I apparently can't do, and I will do EVERYTHING on that list just to prove to them I can. Because one day, I'm going to have a Thanksgiving dinner at my house with my family and I will invite my parents over so they can see that they were freaking wrong.

So go ahead Mommy; forget my Aspergers, anixiety, influenza, etc. Support Kyle and all his problems. I will fix my own ALONE. Paul, just keep giving me more things I can't do. And Dad, my loving father. Just stay the way you are so I know how NOT to get a job and raise my children.

And Matthew, my darling 16 brother. You are the one who doubts me most of all. You have been part of the monster group tearing me apart, little by little. Just shut up! I am not a little baby anymore. I'm not gonna run away from my problems like you did. I will take them and use them to my OWN advantage. So stop tattling to Daddy about how bad of a girl I am, and trying to turn the family against me. That's only gonna make me work harder.

And as for myself, I'm frankly quite sick of you. Why the hell have you let these people walk on you all these years? Stop trying to act noble and do what needs to be done! You are a human being, not a Goat or whatever. You'd better get off your freaking ass and start going now! You can act like a wimpy baby AFTER you prove yourself.

I almost like this change of attitude. I should like print this or something...

I hate myself. I hate that I'm stuck in some meaningless existence, stuck back at my parents house because I couldn't handle living at college. I hate that I failed again - that I've never really succeeded. That I'm here, alone, and even when people want me to spend time with them I can't handle it very long. I hate that I don't behave like a normal person, that I act like I'm years younger - react like I shouldn't. I hate that I can't explain why I do the things I do, and that when I finally try to explain them, what makes sense to me seems to sound completely stupid and irrational to everyone else.

I hate that there's a chance I'll go nowhere. That I'll end up in this sh***y half-existence and in forty years my life will be just as worthless as it is right now. I hate that even though I'm the one who determines that, the chances are slim that I'll be able to change anything.

I hate that I don't have a job, a license, that I'm sitting around looking at online community college. I hate that I can't do anything special - that I'm not unique...and yet I can't relate to other people. I can make friends, can talk to others, but I can't keep friends longer than a certain period because I don't understand what to do after a certain point.

I hate that even though someone asked me out, I'm not sure I can have a relationship because I'm not sure I have any sexual interest in anyone. I want to have that close bond between two people - but I have no physical attraction to them - not in a sexual way. And I hate that because of that, I'll likely end up alone.

I hate that I'm literally sitting in the same situation I was in five years ago. And that even though I want to change things, more than anything, I'm not sure I'm able to. I'm afraid that I'm going to screw it up by just being me.

I am so disgusted with humanity. Unfaithful pieces of shìt and promiscuous animals, and all-around useless vermin with no self-control. I wonder how the hell I turned out from humanity. I am NOT a human.

My disgust with this species is infinite.

I guess this is kind of minor, but it's been pissing me off.

I've been renting a "utilities included" room in a duplex, and a month in, I was notified that I was washing my clothes too often and had to pay an extra $40 to use the washer/drier. Right. I've been doing large loads, usually waiting until the hamper completely fills up. What does he want me to do, wear dirty clothes? Heck, I sort of am to a point, since I usually wear pants two days (as long as they still look clean the second day).

Now, after a cold month and days with temperatures down to zero, him insisting to keep the heat all the way up to 66 at night (and not letting me turn it above 67 in the 3 hours between when I get home and when I go to bed) and his family being their for two weeks, using the otherwise vacant side of the duplex, it's suddenly my fault that his heating bill is so high... and once my (very short) lease ends, I'm going to have to find a new place because of it.

Gee... I usually get back to the house only an hour or two before he does, while he intentionally doubled his heater use for half a month (not to mention keep it way too hot at night)... and the bill is my fault? WTF?

I'm sick and tired of hearing this guy complain to me about money for an "all utilities included" room... and getting charged extra and kicked out. I betcha that he's going to find tons of things to deduct from my deposit when I leave.

Cheapskates usually do... one person told me that they would refuse to return my deposit because of being "disrespectful"... and I never even heard about it until tracking the guy down a month after I moved out and never got my check. Another person charged me for existing damage to a room in a 50+ year old house. Excuse me? It was like that to begin with.

I hurt my tuba. My gorgeous, high-quality concert instrument and workhorse is cracked, and it is all my fault. By being too cheap and busy to bother with getting a chemical cleaning done to prevent corrosion inside the pipes, I caused a crack and damaged what I love more than life. I hate myself today.

I don't understand why I have a Facebook account. I hate seeing people that can effortlessly post photos of themselves with their friends while I cannot. I hate whenever I write something, I get no responses. When I post poems, I get no likes, dislikes, any slight criticism, nothing--period. I have 164 friends on Facebook but nothing happens on my homepage. How do most people have so much attention? How do they maintain their high social status? How are they so popular? I don't understand the social world.

I am left with a computer, books, dictionaries, music, and the piano with nobody else to share my interests with. I am always isolated in my room or downstairs with the piano. I'm beginning to lose faith in my ability to delve deeply in my interests because I'm afraid of having no financial resources.

I just turned twenty years old and I still live with my parents, under their roof. I began signing up to study at a university and got admitted, which I was happy to hear back, but am afraid of my social barriers. I hate listening to teachers; I have my own method of solving problems. I wish not to receive help learning mathematics, my major, but I need the social environment to feel less lonely. I figured long time ago that I need people around to make me feel less lonely.

I hate how nervous I was when I played piano at a recital yesterday. I hate how I am unable to stay calm and just play. I hate how my personality and motto is to "always do the right thing" when the beautiful girl who sat behind me who also played the piano touched my shoulder and showed me a message on her phone to get my attention but I had a tough time making the first move. I was nervous the whole time as she was sitting behind me. I was immobilized and regret that she made the first move. I wanted to talk to her but I was afraid to do so, not during a performance. She had another boy that came along with her and I was not sure it was her boyfriend, friend, or brother. I was too nervous to know.

I hate my life. I wish I was normal so I could initiate conversations easily under pressure. I also wish I could be less nervous around people and be able to talk normally instead formally. When will my life get better!?!?!?! ARGH!

It's some sick paradox, I cant stand anyone else. But some innate sensibility within myself requires me to reach out to others, regardless of how many times it has made me unhappy in the past. Everyday it's the same BS, same thoughts, same music, same job, same pinwheel conversations. I'm so tired of the only story I know, my own. Here we go, the same f****n story I've gone over and over in my head.. I've been so distracted with overcoming my dumbass dad's dogma, I lost touch with the things i actually give a s**t about. 16 years of fighting fantasy, and another eight trying to understand any alternative, which has turned out to be a waste of time since the entire sum of life is temporary and pointless. I stuffed all my burdens into my guitar 'til one day it was too heavy to lift. I've ruined every relationship I have had because im a self-immolating as*hole that seeks alienation over repetition. I've spun stories on people to create great dramas that spreads like a wildfire being fed by winded rumors.. for my amusement and as an escape act. Now alienation is the repetition. The s**t that used to distract me is tired, and any new attempts to recapture the glory days of curiosity curl my emotions. Every impulsive stain of a conversation I can cook up is met with indifferent silence, as though my own artificiality is channeled into the mind of who I'm attempting contact with. Same s**t over and over again. I start every relationship in limerence which inevitably leads to uncovering the lies that I created in my mind in a fruitless attempt for a deeper connection. I cant be comforted by any words, but I'm still expecting them to come at me, an irony of my socially disconnected life. I've tried making new friends but I cant seem to hold anyone's interest or my own. An endless cycle through a gateless entrance to no quarters. I'm too wierd for my own good let alone anyone else's. If I'm shallow, I'm opaque - if I am deep, I'm misunderstood - if I'm stagnant, I'm ignored.

My mother is killing my soul. She has no sensitivity at all. She has taken to introducing me to her patients (she sees patients at the house, home office) and the grocer and the shoe salesman and anyone we come across..... "this is my son, Jonas, he's moved home after his brain surgery left him disabled". She doesn't understand how dehumanizing that is and because I can't respond verbally..... I sit there and take it. I asked her not to in private, but she doesn't see where it's inappropriate. I really dislike her right now.

How could I not get rejected? I'm just some weirdo. Of course girls don't like me.

I was forced to tell my parents (read: my mother) about my plans for the future, and as I thought, it was a big mistake. Now I have no future because they will ruin it. The only solutions I see right now is A) run away from home or B) kill them, but both solutions run into the same problem. The only difference is that one takes longer than the other. At this point, I have no future, not anymore I don't. Now my future revolves around them, and it's in their hands, and they will ruin it as always, because you can't plan somebody's life for them.

And people wonder why I'm jaded, especially with regards towards women. This is one more example on a very long list. Maybe if I was really really bad with women I might not feel this way. But the more pissed off I get, the more women like me, and the more I hate them (because that's not who I am; why do they have to like that?) and I get more jaded, and they like me more...you get the picture. I act this way as a defense mechanism, and I want it all to stop. But there is nothing I can do right now. I just don't want this to be a permanent part of my psyche.

I will tell everyone what pisses me off the most. Stupid, ignorant people and when adults act like children.. I don't think we are ret*ds, we are very misunderstood and deserved to be loved and respected like everyone else. If I mess something up that doesn't mean I'm stupid, no one is perfect. I live with a very arrogant adult, I find it funny she used to be a teacher. She seriously flips out at anything, today she spilled a can of beetroot ( went everywhere) and left it in the fridge like nothing happened which I discovered. She gets yelled at her husband. Keep in mind she is retired and 60 years old. I waited a while for her to clean up the fridge so I could put my leftover food in the fridge. Shes been caught out and she decides to take her anger out on me. She acts like a angry child! Threatens me to move out when I have no money and friendly support except for my boyfriend who I'm living with right now. She has all the authority and she can kick me out like that. This happens on a regular basis and it is killing me

Even if we do serve a higher purpose aren't we still being used.

Damn it, I want to know who the Hell gave me this nasty virus, my throat is killing me?