Depression is a funny thing

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It's odd, you know. My life really is not that bad. It could be better. I could have a better job. I would love to be less lonely. I would love to have a few friends, even just one friend. Still, I realize that things could be much worse. There really is no real reason for me to be depressed, but I am.

Some people say that depression is a chemical imbalance. They may be right. All I know is that it defies logic. My life is not that bad, but yet this horrible cloud hangs over me, bringing me down. It it a thing outside of myself. It is not me. Yet, somehow, it is a part of me.

People who don't suffer from depression will never understand the feeling. It is not a feeling of sadness. In fact, at times I welcome sadness, because at least it means that I can feel something. I have felt grief. Grief is honest. It is clean. It has a reason. They say that time heals all wounds, and time will eventually heal grief. Time does not heal depression.

I do not know exactly how to describe depression. The closest thing that I can say is that it is like being slowly smothered under a pile of pillows. Every movement requires so much energy. Every breath is so difficult to draw. You want move, to do something but you cannot find the energy.

I had an argument with a person once. He said that feeling suicidal was an act of self hatred. He was wrong. I have no self hatred. What I feel towards myself is pity, more than anything else. I wish for death, not because of self hatred, but because I am just so tired of living. I am tired, so tired. I no longer want to fight. I no longer want to be alone. I just want a little peace.

Really, the only thing that keeps me around is the knowledge that death is a messy thing. The ones left behind are the ones who suffer. They have to pick up the pieces. My strong sense of personal morality says that it is wrong to do that to anybody.

Sleep is a good thing. I enjoy sleeping. Sleep brings healing. Sleep brings escape. I spend as much time as I can sleeping. Unfortunately, the demands of life insure that I cannot spend all of my time sleeping. I will get some sleep soon, and forget the world for a few hours. That sounds like a good idea. It's time to sleep, at least for a little while.

I can understand this. when i became depressed to the point of think about suicide the thing that kept me from doing anything was everyone else. like my friends, family and acquaintances.

the one thing i dont get is the always being tired and wanting to sleep, when i am most depressed i sleep the least. which i every odd, im not sure if being on adderall has anything to do with it or not. sometimes i think it could be almost like self harm in a way just depriving myself of sleep because i feel like i dont deserve it or anything else.

Have you tried some from of herbal medicine like St. Johns Wort to try and retrack your brain? I know that when I was alone and feeling really bad they helped a little, maybe they may help you a little too.

St. Johns Wort is illegal in my country now (without precription) so I've tried Pasiflora and a few others.

The difference between being depressed and not being depressed for me is being happy for no particular reason and being unhappy for no particular reason. The circumstances of my life could be exactly the same except for the way I feel.

I think that kind of makes sense. A person has agitated sleep. He or she is off kilter a number of ways.

The social isolation is crushing. Even though we as people on the spectrum are more self-contained than most people.

We have so much to contribute and we are excluded for such BS reasons. People might talk a good game about how they would love a volunteer, would love to have someone else pitching it, if you have new ideas (including corporate lie, "we want people who think outside the box")

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All the same. And the hell with them doing it wrong, the idea of the struggle and we can do it right.

Have you thought about political activism on your own terms? And the groups can be as hierarchical and one-upsmanship and as BS as any other group. And not attending as an obligation. But on your own terms and in a manner of your own choosing.

'Wait a minute. We all entitled to our own ideas. And it enriches us all.'

Just being prepared to say that, if several group members begin attacking another, which does happen, can do a world of good. This is kind of like an uber skill or a high skill of leadership, and it's easy to learn.

Perhaps . . . political activism in favor of -- isn't deficit spending and priming the pump and creating jobs exactly what's needed during economic hard times (and isn't the cut the deficit crowd like people against a blood transfusion even when you really need it!)--it is to my way of thinking. And this and other areas need citizens willing to wrestle with issues.

or, activism in favor of cat welfare. although I might be drawing too much from your picture.

Or, what I sometimes preach, the rough of tumble of working for H&R Block. You have a real live client right in front of you. You have an unethical company. So, you are fighting for the client against the company, and in a certain way that can be delicious.. The difficulty is that you co-workers will feel undercut by you in that many of them are looking forward to the end of season bonus (which is another rip-off of the company, for very, very few first-year practitioners get any bonus at all) But here and elsewhere, there might be a small community you can build of people concerned of doing it right.

Again, not an obligation, that's dry as dust. But one more opportunity. Out there doing positive things. The times you have the energy. And the times you don't, the hell with it, don't do it.

The world is not near as open as it could be. But, but . . . it may be open enough.

In one way, I am fortunate. When I am really depressed, I sleep very well. For me, sleep is very healing, but there are only so many hours in a day, and somehow, I need to find some time to live a life. I do sympathize with you, though. Like most people with AS, I have my obsessive interests. When my interests are at their strongest, they overwhelm me and I push myself too far, and I do not get the sleep that I badly need. That often leads to bad things for me.

No, I haven't, but thank you for the suggestion. For reasons that I don't really want to get into here, I generally prefer to use pharmaceuticals. They do help, but don't solve the problem.

Yes, exactly. This is why I think of depression as something outside of myself. There are some things that I can do. I find that getting extra sleep helps. I find that avoiding certain types of thoughts help. Ultimately, though, for whatever reason, depression sometimes just falls upon me, for no reason that I can see. It is a disease, not something that makes any sense.

I find that they always want someone to man the front desk, to interact with strangers. I am and Aspie, and I have severe social anxiety and social phobia. That is the worst possible job that they can give me. I have a lot of talents, but to get to the point where you can actually use those talents, you have to prove that you are capable of dealing with people.



Yes, I have. I see a need for people who have the skills to do things quietly, behind the scenes. I am looking for the right opportunity. I just need to find some niche, that serves my needs and which meshes well with my weaknesses.



Yes, I see so much that needs to be done, but does not get done because people are so short sighted, and only look at what is right in front of them.



You are right on target. I did volunteer with the humane society for a while. It was an odd experience, though. In order to get the right to work with the animals, you first have to prove that you are good with people. There is something backward there.



Yes. This is something that I have to beware of. I tend to push myself beyond my limits. I need to be cautious.

Thank you, everyone who read and responded to my original posting. I really appreciate it. I was having a bad time yesterday, and I'm feeling better today. I do not know why depression falls upon me sometimes. I wish I knew. All I know is that sometimes it just falls upon me, and I lose track of all of the good things in my life. As I said earlier, it is just such an odd thing.

Yensid, I find that our situations are similar down to the fact that we are both depressed, our location and that we both enjoy sleeping because its an escape for a few hours. I feel like the day time is just time to burn before being able to sleep and escape.


In times like this you need to be thankful for what you DO have, for one we both live in beautiful Hawaii nei and two you are employed. Oahu is beautiful and it brings me joy sometimes, but other times its so warm, so nice, the people are so friendly that its like life mocking you isnt it? That we could live in such a paradise but feel so bad....

I dont know if you enjoy living in town but I sure would love to be able to live out in town when I get a job and my own place.Keep on fighting !

Yensid, great post. You have described it all too well.

I send a good wish your direction. Or, if you like this better, a virtual bottle of Pristiq.

Yes, it is so ironic that there are so many good things to appreciate, but, at times, I am unable to enjoy them. I am feeling better today, and was able to enjoy life a little bit. I am trying to spend more time just relaxing and enjoying life.



Living in town is good for me. I work for the University, so I don't have to spend too much time commuting.

Thanks for your good wishes. I may be depressed at times, but it helps to know that people care.

Yensid, you expressed that well & you are truly not alone.

I have heard people describe depression as 'selfishness'. Youch. Way to go. It's like going to a person buried under a collapsed building & piling on some additional rocks and wondering why that doesn't help much.

I think being tired sums it up quite well.
Tired of being unhappy.
Tired of being afraid.
Tired of being me (just for a while...please...that's why sleeping is good)
Tired of not getting how wonderful life is (when it is, but I can't reach it, it's beyond a glass wall).
Tired of the guilt because I don't want to be like this.
Tired of being tired.
Etc.

Best we can do is to just give ourselves a break, acknowledge feelings are there but try and distract ourselves if possible. I think I need a sign that says "Do Not Feed the Depression Troll" Take it easy on yourself.

Yeah, that is pretty effed up! That a humanitarian organization can be as bureaucratic, as layered, as disconnected from the actual work which either will or will not make a positive difference, that disappoints me, and although it shouldn't surprise me anyway, it still does. For me, peace activism was at times bracing, and at times disappointing.