frustrated with my son's school

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Hi
I am new. I joined because I feel alone. I am not an Aspie but I love one. My son is the most
important person in my life next to his wonderful sister. My husband and I are strong friends
who put our kids first but mostly we are there for our son. He really needs us.


I am tired of dealing with my son's school. Worn out from the battles, the constant
negogiations trying to get them to do the right thing. Make changes...My son's school is the
worst. I would love to use nasty words but this is not fair to the reader. Lets just they are the
worst word you can fathom times 1 million. Everything you can imagine
they have done wrong and they have done it.


It is a daily grind to deal with them and I feel all alone.


I feel so sad. I cry every day about the struggles. Not about my son. My son is really a
great human. In fact if he left that school today his life and ours would be fantastic.
It sounds like I am blaming the school but honestly they do more harm to our family
than good. We notice during vacation, summers and times away from the school
our family is at peace. And this effects my daughter as well. The other kids torture her and
she witnesses the bullying her brother faces on a daily basis. She tries to be perfect so no
one will harm her or harm her brother. It is the worst kind of hell. Lukily for our son
she is there to relay to us what is going on. Clearly he was suffering before she was
old enough to be in the same building.


The only stress our son has in his life is our public school. He has 2 more years. And
I am in a battle to whittle it down to on line courses and getting him out of the building. We
won't home school as our school is rated Newsweek Magazine as the top 25 and it is has a
blue ribbon award. This means it will help our son get into a college one day. We just have to
struggle on. I will say I have a case, I just am sick of fighting. An attorney tells me
we could sue and win. But I don't want to fight. I want my son safe and happy. That's all. I
wish they would cooperate. I have a meeting next week and I will probably win but
how much damage has been done already to our family.


I am sad, hurt, frustrated, tearful, angry, aggravated, irritated, discouraged, melancholy,
depressed and furious with the school. If I had a wish it would be to make everyone who has
hurt my son suffer 1000 times worse. My curse to the school, the cruel teachers he has
encountered and definitley the bullies is they suffer 1000 times back what they have
done to us.


And please know this is so unlike me. I am a peaceful soul who cares for others with a
gentle and guiding quality.Thanks for letting me post.Since joining WP, I realize I am not alone.

Public schools are definately a huge pain in the neck. My husband and I were thinking of suing but were advised to hire an advocate instead. We talked to one but ultimately didn't use her because the school gave in just as we were about to hire her. Advocates are the middle ground between fighting by yourself and out-and-out suing. They come to IEP meetings with you and have a more thorough knowledge of educational law than parents. They are who to go to before you go the distance of suing.

This website is labeled ADHD but it gives good info on educational advocates:

www.healthcentral.com/adhd/education-281264-5.html

Thank you.

Advocates are great. I have met with an advocate in the past.
I keep telling myself I can do this without out one. . I do not want to sue.
I am told I have a case but I am worn out from fighting them. I am tired.
My sadness is taking over. Maybe an advocate would make this easier.

My goal is to have him do the next 2 years out of the building or with
very little time there. Legally he has to be in the building for so many hours for them to get
Federal aid. I think they are going to come around, I am just tired of dealing
with it.

Feeling alone. Anyway, I am so appreciative of a place like WP.
It is a comfort to find people who understand my situation without judgement
or cruelty. A place that I can express myself. I am going to try to get my
son to join in too.

Thank you again.
~mm

It's very important not to tire yourself out in a situation like this. If you spend all energy on your struggle with your son's school, you will have less energy left to actually take care of your son and his sister. So I think it might be a good idea to get little help before you are all worn out.

Have you noticed that there is a special forum on WP dedicated to parents? Maybe you will find some additional help there.

Having your son join WP as well sounds like a good idea, but please don't push him into it. Show him the site, help him with signing up if he's interested, but if he is scared of making contact with so many strangers on his own, it might be a better idea just to encourage him to read without participating. Remember that he can also sign up at a later time if he changes his mind.

When I was in school, AS wasn't even a diagnosis, so that wasn't an issue. But I was labeled a "genius", which did me little good. Those stories are longer, so I'll give you another glimpse into the school system I survived. I also have ocular albinism; I am legally blind. My second grade teacher - and the school nurse - insisted, in front of the class, that I was lying when I said I couldn't see the book unless I held it close to my eyes. In high school, my graphic arts teacher insisted I wasn't capable of using the equipment, despite the state Commission for the Blind expert's insistence that I could. I was in my guidance counselor's office daily arguing to be allowed to use the presses - then the teacher gave me a warning slip because I "refused to do the work". I could fill pages with this stuff. I even overheard the principal and the town's acting building inspector (who was a teacher) conspiring to conceal a dangerous condition that the building inspector stated the state building department would shut down the school for. (Water leaking through the roof and running over wires.)

The point is that I have some feel for what your son's enduring. No, I don't know the exact situation, and the precise hurts he's suffered, but I know what "the system" can do to the poor innocent victims caught up in its claws.



I believe you. But the important thing is this; just by battling, you show your son that you care about him. And, just by continuing to fight, you keep things from getting even worse. I'm sorry you're worn down; I know that feeling. But it isn't totally in vain. Try to remember that. And there is at least one person who knows that you are right and that the school system is toxic to your son. I wish I had some useful advice for you, but most of the things that worked for me were very specific to who I was. (I was into journalism, so when I was in high school, I used to threaten to go to the press when things got too bad. I had just enough chance of figuring out an angle that might make that work to keep them worried. )



Well, I never thought those ratings were useful for much, anyway. Now I know they aren't...

I like what I've read that you've posted. I like what you're trying to do for your son. And you're caught up in a horrendous situation, without the chance to really pause and think. So you couldn't have had a chance to realise this. But I've been in similar shoes, and I know how that works out. There is a good chance this school system has already ruined any chance of his making it through college. I was the "genius", the one everyone thought would succeed - but I melted down in college. The years of being ground down in school, learning all the wrong lessons, it all set me up so I didn't have a chance of making college work.

If your son has a chance at all, he will need time and very careful preparation. And enduring the kind of school system he is now is not going to help. What does it matter how good it looks to the admissions people, if he falls apart once he's there? Even if he gets out right now, he's going to need a chance to put his mind back together, to learn the right coping skills, not the wrong ones (which is exactly what you learn in a toxic school system), or he won't have a chance.



I've felt all of that, and I don't blame you one bit. But, in the end, even if they did suffer a thousand times worse, it won't help your son at all. I do know how you feel - but what you want to focus on right now is what will help your son. That's what matters most, to you and to him.

Not that I can criticise you; all I have to do is see a photo or hear the name of Phoebe Prince and I will start to grind my teeth and rant and rage. She wasn't vision impaired or AS or anything, so why do I take that one case so personally? Well, for one, I live in Massachusetts. For another, I'm half Irish. And I was bullied, not to death, obviously, but with the same bureaucratic indifference enabling it - "we've followed our procedures, we can't be blamed" - and, most of all... The superintendent who created the system, the climate, in which she was bullied to death was a teacher at my high school when I was there. He wasn't too bad then - but I know exactly where he learned the garbage from that he's spouted in the press, and when I read his name and checked his picture, I wasn't too surprised, because the very phrases were so familiar. So poor Phoebe became a trigger for releasing the years of pent up pain and suffering.

But, as much as I can understand your anger, what really matters most of all is that the hurting stop, that the destruction, the bullying, the wearing down, all the awful pressures, just stop. As fast as possible. And that's hard to remember when you're caught up in it, which is why I'm trying to turn your thoughts back in that direction.

Fluffydog,
Yes, I am worn out and I am not seeing things as clearly as I could.
I need to rest and perhaps find more help. My husband and I do not have family
support. So we lean too much on each other. It will be good to visit the WP parent
section. Thank you.



-------------------------

TheWanderer,
Thank you for your kind words.

Wow, I am so very sorry you had to have such a horrible time in school. Truly you are
a testament to survival. You are here to help people like me realize it is going to get better.
My son can get through this tough time.

Concerning college,
I have no expectations for my son. It is HIS hope that he could get a college degree in the field
he loves. He is very bright and could definitely get into a university. But living there would
be impossible. Our hope is he could go to school while still living at home. My husband and I
would even be willing to move across the US to any college so he can live with us. We know
that our son will be with us forever and this is best for him. We will be ready to let him leave
the nest only when he really wants too. And of course he can come back anytime.

He could take on line college credit classes and if he is brave take a class or
two at the actual campus. But this may come later, years later. I like to think that
college for him will not be 4 years but maybe 15 years. And yes if he only gets a
4 year degree so what. If that makes him happy this is all good. The reason we have him in
this "academically" profound school is for the reputation. So that when he does apply to a
college level program he can be accepted. Not to ever live on campus or live A typical college
student life. That could be totally wrong and possibly dangerous for him. Just to have the
opportunity to do something he truly loves.

You wrote
:.......just by battling, you show your son that you care about him. And, just by continuing to fight, you keep things from getting even worse. ..."


I needed this. It does not make me less tired but maybe there will be an end in site.

But, as much as I can understand your anger, what really matters most of all is that the hurting stop, that the destruction, the bullying, the wearing down, all the awful pressures, just stop. As fast as possible. And that's hard to remember when you're caught up in it, which is why I'm trying to turn your thoughts back in that direction.

Thank you for this reminder too. I need to get him out of this toxic environment ASAP.
Coming to the WP-haven was to cry it out but I know once I have had a little pitty party
and pulled up my boots straps I will be ready to fight some more and help make his life
a safe and loving place. I truly am so very tired by it all.

Go raibh míle míle maith agaibh ( I am married to an Irish Man from Southey )
~mm

I agree with thewanderer on college. The system is by the mediocre for the mediocre.

It is not your son's lot in life to be mediocre and therefore, neither is it yours. I suggest that until you lift your sights from mediocrity, neither you nor your son will be happy. AS is an all or nothing type of life. You win big or you lose big. There is no middle ground for me. I recommend winning big. It is harder but more rewarding.

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."- Einstein

I had to get out of school and out of the normal system to succeed.

I know for a fact that I have succeeded where some of my worst bullies failed. Success is the best revenge. Forgiveness of those who harm you is the best gift you can give to yourself.

Life for your boy is hard. It will always be hard. It will always be harder for him than any of his peers. You need to prepare him for that. He needs to take responsibility for his wins and his losses. Only then will he be able to learn fully from his losses. Only then will his successes be his own and only then can he take pleasure and receive emotional release from them

Consider what philosophy this school is teaching your son. He will need more than a mediocre philosophy on life to succeed. It won't be coming from public school.

If he only has two years left, I suggest you get him practial help with self-discipline, physical training, self reliance, confidence and philosophy. It will help with the lonliness, ASPIE clumsiness, meltdown mitigation and lack of peer support. For me that help came from martial arts, running, shooting sports, the US Army, Marcus Aurelius, Kipling, Longfellow, and Tennyson to name a few.

Courage is not for the mediocre. It will not be taught in public school. He will need it and you will need to teach it to him if he is to succeed. Here is the formula.

"Self-control is the chief element in self-respect, and self-respect is the chief element in courage." - Thucydides

US Army special forces school in Germany (when it was still there) used to teach that "If you know the why, you can make your own how."

I suspect your boy has no trouble with the curriculum. If he is anything like me, the "how" is simple once he has the why. In my opinion, the best reason why follows:

"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile." - Einstein.

Good luck. Your son has a HUGE advantage many of us did not...YOU KNOW and YOU CARE.

Regards,

I would go ahead and file the lawsuit. If the school district sees you mean business, they will probably offer some concessions (a settlement) in exchange for dropping the suit. That leaves you better off than you are now. I know fighting with them is frustrating, but if you want what is best for your son, you will have to play hardball.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a lawyer and am not qualified to offer legal advice.

Thanks CranialRectosis and Misery&Emptiness

Just having someone understand my perspective is powerful.

~mm

I'm sorry, that was my misunderstanding. Since it is something he wants, then obviously you want to help him as best you can. You are clearly devoted to helping him, and that is a good thing. Certainly if he is able to live at home while attending school, it will make things much easier. On the other hand, any move will involve disruption. It is hard to spot all the potential sensory issues beforehand, for example. (I don't know what bothers him most, but in my case, thinner walls, noisier neighbours, more planes overhead, heavier traffic, even particular sounds could make moving difficult. And in some areas, industrial smells would drive me to the brink of despair.) So I'd suggest you consider all the possible factors, do what you can to avoid them if you do move - and plan to settle in enough before he must start attending school to give him time to get used to his new surroundings.

As far as your current battles, I've been giving this some thought. You are dealing with a school system concerned for their reputation. As long as they sense your reluctance to fight them, they won't feel any need to yield - but if you decide you're ready to go as far as it takes, I think they may be easily scared. It wouldn't take much publicity to tarnish the reputation of such a school system, and I doubt they want to go to court, especially if you find a lawyer who is clearly willing to involve the press.

I understand you don't really want to fight. You just want your son to get an education without being tormented. Ideally, he should get that without a fight. The fact that so seldom happens is a source of irritation and frustration to me, and I'm sure to you and your son as well. But, that reluctance to fight is one of the strongest defenses any toxic school system has. If they just put up enough barriers, delay you long enough, your son's time in their hands will be up, and they won't need to do anything. For you, this is personal, and tiring. For them, it is part of their job; the way they treat every "problem" student. They know what usually works for them - and stalling, putting things off, refusing to act, finding reasons to deny what the student needs, putting road block after road block in the path of parents determined to get help for their children are tactics they have practice at. They already know, if they can wear you down while avoiding provoking you to such a degree that you do jump into the fight for all it is worth, that time is on their side.

But time is not on your son's side. He is stuck there, suffering, learning all the wrong things. And they don't care about him. Most if not all of them will say that they do; some may even think that they do. But their actions show otherwise. They are acting to protect other concerns, at his expense. They want to keep the budget down, because that will look better on their record. Or they want to avoid trouble with the teacher's union, by avoiding asking any teacher to go beyond the usual. Or they don't want to upset those higher up in the administration by going against official policy. Or they are afraid of disrupting whatever usually gets results, since that might mar the system's reputation. Their exact motives don't matter. What does is the fact that their actions show they don't care how much harm they do to your son.

And I hate to say this. It isn't fair to you. But that means that either you can fight them with all you've got, until they see you mean business and they have less to lose by helping him than by obstructing you, or you can let things keep on they way they are. Because you don't get worn out fighting so many hopeless battles unless they are unwilling to act without being forced to. I'm sorry to be so blunt. And I'm sorry that both of those alternatives are ones you don't want. You don't deserve this. I'd be overjoyed to see the entire system you're battling so shaken up that things changed on their own.

Thank you again wanderer and again I agree. I misread your message magicmom and did not understand that it is your son's goal to attend college.

Have you contacted any colleges?

There may be other ways to skin this cat than by going through social he** of high school.

You may find an option whereby your son can test out of high school and if he has a kick @$$ SAT he may be able to go to college without dealing with the high school pinheads.

I don't know but I would call some colleges to see what they need.

Hi All,

Thanks again for all your words of wisdom. I wanted to write a follow up on all that
has changed. There are days I still feel worn out but I was very upfront with the school
in Jan at the IEP meeting. I did not hire an attorney. I led them to believe I had. That
we were doing this meeting first without the attorney but if things did not go well our
Attorney would be there at the next one.

The school fought a bit on this. I reminded them I could hire the attorney to have him
placed out of district and that would be an $80 thousand dollar bill to the school. They
know I have a case. OR, they could let him cut back all of classes to just online.
$80 grand for the schoool or free do what I want! My husband explained we want him
out of the building as much as possible. This mean next year all day.

WE WON!! !!
Next year he is allowed to take only one class in the building the rest all on line.
For the rest of this year he does attend for half the day at the school. If in one month
things do not improve he will cut back to only 1 class in the building for the rest of
this year. He has to be in the building for one class in order for the school district
to receive money from FED and STATE gov.

For now, My son now takes only 4 classes on the campus and the othere 3 on line
at home. He is getting HS credit for them. This means he goes in later to school every day.
He avoids the difficult bullies and mean people by arriving after 3rd period.
He only needs two classes next year (senior year) to graduate. He could graduate
at the end of the summer if he chooses to take summer school. Instead he is planning
on taking more on line classes and only 1 class at the school. He will only have to
go to the school for one class. The extra classes he will get credit for even though
he does not need them. He wants to learn Russian or German. He would like
to take a few computer classes.

In addition he is going to try to find an internship program to practice a job or a volunteer
job. It is very challenging as we found out he does not qualify for services from the
state we live in. This means they will not help as far as case manager or advocate.
But, we will continue for the rest of his life to act as his advocate. I am not sure that
he will EVER be able to live on his own. I need to remember it is a day to day plan.

Today he is going to run an errand all by himself. Driving himself and picking up items
from the store and driving back. Lets cross our fingers he can do this without getting
lost, in a car accident or forgot why he was going. A challenge but I hope he can do this
and it is practice for life.

He does not have a kick Keister SAT score. He had an average PSAT.. He did barely
average in the state wide testing. And writing was so low it is considered remedial.
I wish he had a the drive to go with the high IQ but he is a bit lazy and not driven at all.
But he is a kind person with a great heart, happy smile and positive attitude toward others.
This is good. In life if you can be happy with simple things this is gold.

My hope is he will live at home and go to a community college taking 1 or maybe 2 classes
a semester. Anything more he would fall apart. And from there maybe a 10 hour a week
job. Nothing stressful. Something like stocking shelves at a toy store or bagging groceries.
We will help with the basics of life. Car, Food, Shelter, Clothing and college paid for.

I am glad I did not have to hire an attorney to fight the school. I need to keep in mind
my husband and I are the driving force and help. The school is nothing and gives my
son nothing. As long as my expectations are low, I can focus on the good stuff for
my son. He is a great human being and that is all that matters in this world.

Again, and Again I appreciate beyond words the kindness others have give me
from WP. Thank you. I only hope to be able to help other new parents with
understanding and guidance paid bay.
~magicmom