I am so freaking confused as to who I am.

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seriously for the past few days I was feeling really suicidal and putting a lot of effort into fighting those thoughts.....but now I just feel kind of numb and like I don't care about anything. I feel like I just need to freaking come to terms with the fact my life is not going anywhere.....and just do as I please. I mean I have tried so many times to try and improve myself and a lot of times I do a lot for others without worrying about myself. I mean sure the lonliness is painful, but there are ways to get away from that. After all the lonliness is not quite so bad after a couple drinks and some good music. And why should it matter what people think...its my life after all.

But then chances are tommorrow or the next day my worries about what people think are going to start getting to me again, Im gonna feel bad about the fact my life probably wont go anywhere that impressive and Im gonna be back to feeling suicidal.

I'm just so confused I mean who am I, am I a rather pessemistic person who just wants to live life as I choose with no regards to what people think......or am I an insecure person who really desires more support and to get my life on track as best as I can. This internal conflict is driving me insane. I mean I don't even know which one of those I am. If I am in my insensative screw what everyone thinks mood then I have that nagging feeling in the back of my head that I should be more compassoinate and think of how I am effecting people. If I am in my insecure, caring put everyone else first mood I have the nagging feeling that I should quit being so selfless and worry about myself for a change.

Can anyone else relate to this, or have I already lost it.

I can relate.

In my twenties, I felt quite a bit as you describe. I often felt pulled between being an arrogant, excessively self confident ambitious person to being so insecure I could hardly bring myself to go out the door. As I've gotten older I feel less like the rope in a tug-of-war although I still have my moments. I guess it's gotten easier to accept that I can live at both extremes and it actually makes sense. I'm still arrogant and self confident. And I'm still one of the most insecure people I know. It just doesn't bother me so much.

I think some of what we go through in our teens and twenties is bio-chemically influenced. The emotions are real and valid, but they are pushed to greater extremes by shifting hormones and also from fears that arise from a lack of experience. I don't know that this helps you now. I know that when people told me it would get better when I got older, my reaction was, "screw that, I want it to be better NOW!" It can get better, but it took a lot more time than I wanted it to.

One of my greatest fears was that my life was passing me by. That I had to do something NOW or else my future would be lost. I felt like was was running as fast as I could ahead of a tidal wave and that if I paused long enough to look back and see if I was getting away, that I would be hit by the flood and killed. With time I eventually realized there never was a tidal wave. It was all fear and no reality. My life has not gone the way I had planned or expected. In some ways this is disappointing, but I do realize that I still have plenty more life in which to do interesting things. When I was young, I didn't realize how long my life would be. I suppose as I get older, I am accepting how short it has been.

To determine one's life isn't going anywhere, one generally must harbor some idea of where they would like their life to go. So where would you like your life to go?

well that is somewhat helpful, but yeah its nice others can relate to this...makes it seem a little less extreme.

I don't really have any idea where i want my life to go...I know I don't want to stay at my moms house and I don't want to many people trying to support me and point me in the direction they think I should go. but other then that I have no clue.

I think everyone can relate in one respect or another, but few can really give you what you want/ need. I've been there, and still get there from time to time. I think of it this way, I'm 27 with a useless college degree, and working a crappy job. Bad mojo that keeps you down if you let it. Really you kind of have a choice to whether or not to let that bad mojo get you down. William Glasser is a theorist who says everyone generally has choice on how they react to certain aspects of their life. You can either dwell in your current negativity or accept it and say "now what?" That's what my wife tells me when I or anyone we know get bad. You can choose to let it get to you or choose not to. Don't get me wrong sometimes it feels way too daunting but believe me your a lot more capable of a person than you think. Most everyone is, but break it down to basics: negativity, suicidal thoughts and depression are addictions, just like most everything else. Chemical addictions in our brain that when we feel/ engage in whatever activity/ thought process, we get our "fix". So, find something positive to tame that addiction. I dont know if this helps but I certainly hope you feel better

Well the trouble is a lot of things I find as positive are hard to get involved with, but thats mostly because of other people......when i worry about what they think it tends to hold me back. Then I only get more frusterated because when I feel like it should not matter what they think and then I feel trapped...because theres that part of me that just wants to get on with it but then that other side of me thats all self concious and such holds me back. Its like I'm fighting against myself internally.

I know what you mean. My self identity is really fuzzy since I seem to be a walking contradiction. I'm a moody person, so that probably has something to do with it.

im not really sure what to say, but me too. i'm also really moody, and a contradiction. though i usually do my damndest to conceal my moody-ness, probably furthering my troubles........

For me it seems the more time I spend thinking/reflecting by myself the more self-conscious and uncomfortable in my own skin I become. I'll start thinking about how all my childhood friends are now married and have children and how I've never had any interest in dating or sex in my life, that I should be more like other people - or just feel there is something horribly wrong/missing with me in general.

I think the issue is lack of stimulation. It's too easy to get stuck on the internet or just too stuck doing all the things I'm used to doing all the time and those things can't really hold me forever. After a while depression and horrible thought starts to fill the vacuum because there's nothing else to feel. I really have to do something a little bit out of my comfort zone every once in a while because if I don't I just get worse and worse. Then again it's easier if there is someone else to push me because in the moment I'm always waiting to be in the mood to try something new but it never really happens.

As far as feeling like you know who you are I don't really know either. It seems like people who are more comfortable interacting with others always have a better sense of self. It's almost like people need some kind of external input to define themselves. It really takes life experiences. Sometimes I think I really have no idea who I am because I lack a lot of experiences. When every day is just the same thing over and over again and I'm lost in my thoughts 90% of the time there's no way I'll ever feel any different.

But yea. I've been depressed and suicidal on-and-off for the last 15 years of my life even with medications. Some times are better than others but it's always a struggle. Some people improve once they get on with their life in later years but I'm still waiting for it to get better.

Yeah I admit I do feel a bit better when i am interacting with people....and I suppose some of this confusion is normal for my age group. I mean yeah the depression and other things can be really overwhelming..so it certainly gets me down. but yeah so far anti-depressants made things worse for me, an I am getting nothing out of going to counseling....so the way I see it I will continue struggling with depression for the rest of my existance. However that does not mean I should be consumed by it I guess.

It does sound like your depression is severe. To be blunt there really is only two options I've found, either do everything you can to fight it or the alternative is suicide. You have to try more than one kind of anti-depressant. Sadly the science of mental health is extremely primitive. I know talk-therapy can seem completely pointless but you just have to go through it so you can get prescriptions. Finding what helps as opposed to making things worse is really a process of trial and error. You really have to take the advice of other people with a grain of salt and just keep experimenting to find out what works for you.

Well I suppose I can't risk my existance that way.....you see when I was on the anti-depressants before along with the rather unpleasent physical sensations, increased anxiety and eventually a state of over emotionalness combined with paranoia which caused me to immedeatly throw away the rest of the bottle. I also felt like I was not myself, like something else was trying to take complete control. I mean I don't quite want to relate to the Pink Floyd Lyrics 'there's someone in my head but its not me'.......I mean there is no garantee a different anti-depressant would not do that not to mention its rather dangerous to abrubtly quit taking prescription meds, which is what I would do if such a thing happened again but next time I might end up being on them for longer before this happens in which case I could die or be injured from the withdrawl effects.

Lets put it this way, what I experianced on the anti-depressants was worse then the time I had a really bad mushroom trip......but the next day it was over and I was fine. After that anti-depressant madness it took quite a while for me to recover. So to me that's a little bit frightening, I mean I am not big on hard drugs and that is what the anti-depressants felt like.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound pushy. I still don't think you should give up this quickly on the medication route though.

It sounds like you didn't have a good psychiatrist. I've had bad side effect and withdrawal experiences as well, including a tingling/restless sensation in my limbs that made me feel like I wanted to throw myself against a wall, feeling tired all the time and numb like my brain was stuffed full of cotton, constipation so bad I feared I might have an intestinal blockage, etc... I also made the mistake of stopping a benzo too abruptly where I stopped sleeping for 3 whole days (literally no sleep, not even a catnap for a full 76 hours). I got so messed up from that that I was dissociating, having panic attacks every few hours, and couldn't remember what I was doing one minute ago. Most of this happened because I had a bad psychiatrist that didn't properly inform me or allow me to experiment with finding the correct dosage for myself.

For me now I always start a medication with the lowest dose possible and only increase if I can do so without side effects. You just have to make sure you get a pdoc that is willing to work with you and go as slow as you feel is right when increasing or decreasing a dose. If you get someone that insists that you put up with the side effects or thinks you should just "ride them out" get rid of them and find someone else.

I find cannabis helps, so I will try and find a way to get it recommended so I can get the medical marijuana card and smoke legally. Untill then I'll just have to settle getting it when I can, at least I still feel like myself under the influence of that.

Depression sucks. I was depressed for a year or as a teenager. Once I managed to find myself the depression went away. Maybe you can find something you like to do. Is there some kind of hobby that you like?