Why don't you want to change?

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I see it a lot on this site, other such sites, and literature about Asperger's Syndrome. I see people saying that they don't want to change, that we shouldn't want to change, that we shouldn't want a cure, that we should be proud, and that, if NTs don't understand us, then they are at fault.

But I don't really buy any of that. Yes, I want to change. I don't like that the only safe place for me in this world is at home, in front of my computer. I don't like that, while I want to have friendships and a social life and such, I can't help but tense up around my peers and shut everyone out. Conversations overwhelm me with anxiety and exhaust me. I can't focus. Although I still manage to make eye contact, it just takes so much more effort for me than it really should. Stress, anxiety, and depression have consumed me since middle school (I'm in my final year of high school). And I can't eliminate these problems; all I can do is "cope" with them. I don't want to "cope" all my life.

Furthermore, I don't think I should blame NTs if I'm naturally an unapproachable, unfriendly, unlikable person. I know I can't hold a conversation and that I make eye contact only reluctantly and that I speak in monotone and that I seem like a robot, etc.

I know a lot of aspies think NTs are shallow, boring people, but I know many NTs who aren't, and I'd rather be one of them, frankly.

That is not an option, you cannot change who you are. You can only learn coping strategies and in time will gain some confidence social situations with practice. it is still exhausting, but people become easier to deal with outside of the HS arena.

My Aspergers is fundamental to my way of being-
it's a part of who I am,
the effects of which are sometimes terrible, and at other times make me very proud.

Coping mechanisms can be learned.

I don't resent any Autistic who would like to be cured-
I DO resent NT's who think Autism is necessarily a horrible, pathological affliction as it is depicted by certain political groups.
A man on Yahoo the other day asked if Autistics are capable of feeling love.
I also resent a common attitude among them (which you share, apparently) that because someone is different, they are "unlikable".
This isn't an "NT" characteristic- it is a mentality displayed by people who follow herd thinking,
and most people happen to be NT's.

The person who's been the nicest to me, throughout my whole life (my mother) is NT- stereotypically-so.

There's a difference between not wanting to do things that are so deleterious that they're worse than the problem they're trying to solve, and working on skills, adaptations, and so forth. I often see a false choice presented that you either want a complete cure or want to remain absolutely static.

I know how you feel. But I don't know if people like us can completely do a 360 in the way we deal with social situations. I try my damn hardest to make myself approachable and be a nice person, but in all honesty it is not enough t establish lasting friendships, and without social skills it is impossible to go beyond simply saying "hello" to someone. I wish I was NT too, but there is nothing we can do about it. And I am like you too where I don't really know what to do but cope. I am in university right now and this is a major coping thing because I am so afraid about what life will be like after college I wish I could just stay in school forever.

i know how you feel too; and i think in order to do a 360 i'd have to go to acting school or something like that. ughh - i don't just wanna "cope" either, it's not f***ing fair at all. at the same time though, it seems pointless to bend over backwards learning other people's skills when i think that will only do damage.

learn how to make friends with understanding individuals and find your niche, yes. live like an NT? not so much.

Why should I want to change, sure my life can be hell at times but I don't really want to be someone else. besides if I where 'cured' or changed I probably would not be able to get such a great experiance from storms, I might not enjoy music the same way I mean everything I do actually like might be effected negatively which would be bad because I have depression to.

1. I'm a Pride Mite.

2. I'm stubborn.

3. I love The Kinks too much.

4. I'm set in my ways.

A Pride Mite is somebody who believes in Autism Pride.

Would you like to convince me to change, after I've stated my case?

I do want to change, but I also accept that there are some fundimental differences between me and most of the people in the world. I can learn to cope, to adapt, and to fit in, but I will always be different.

1: Desire to change
2: Acceptance of what one can't change?

These are two different things, and people should be allowed number two. My thoughts.

I do think that you can change where you feel safe and how hard conversation is. The way i view it, every hour that I spend somewhere I'm not comfortable will grow my world by a small amount, every awkward conversation will make the next slightly easier. Similarly every single day I spend alone at home, my world will shrink a small amount and i will get worse at conversation.

Time with eye contact and listening to the inflection in other people's voice, will slowly modify your behaviour, just maybe not as fast or in the same way as it would for a NT. It may never be comfortable, always a coping mechanism, but that doesn't mean it never has to change. just don't get caught up in other people telling you how large your world should be, or how easy conversation is, their balance is significantly different.

I would not resent another person for wanting to be cured. There are days were i would probably give up all that i have to be able to communicate with people normally or relate to them in the way they seem to relate to one another. Yet later, I wake up and learn a new programming language, research a new piece of animechtronics, write a computer algorithm, order myself some magnetic fluid, high temperature superconductor or raw Russian semiconductor and things seem a bit brighter.

If there is to be a cure, I suspect it will take some time, so you might as well try and enjoy the wrong planet for what it is.

I agree with Bethie in that my AS is what makes me who I am, it's intrinsic to my personality. I was born with AS and I will die with AS, and I'm proud of who I am. I'm not going to change to suit other people, who think I should be like this, and do that. For most of my life I've often wondered if these neurotypicals were right, if I should listen to their silly advice and live the way they want me to live. Instead I've stuck to my guns, and did what I wanted to do. I know now, that their silly advice was just that, silly, because they thought I was like them, and what they liked worked for me.

I remember that highschool was a difficult time for me, and I got bullied, made fun of, picked on, and ridiculed because I didn't act like them. Girls I was interested in I didn't have the balls to talk to, so they thought of me as a creep. There were a select few number of kids I became friends with, as they accepted me for who I was. I was also admired by most of the adults in my life too. At that time, I never even heard of AS, and just thought I was a regular person, just a little different. I never wished to be anyone, I never wished to please anyone, I wanted acceptance, but never lost any sleep over it if some bully at school treated me like the gunk of the bottom of his shoe, instead of accepting me. I got out of high school, got my diploma, and moved on. Looking back, the losers who'd bully me are still losers to this day. They have trouble with the law, use drugs, and live like a scumbag. And for whatever reason, when I see them, they want to be my friend. Go figure.

One year ago around this time, after learning about AS and finally starting to throw around the idea that I might have AS, I became very depressed. I was depressed that there was actually something clinically wrong with me, that I was born "defective". After feeling sorry for myself, I began to accept it. Around this time, I wanted a diagnosis because I wanted closure, that I definitely has AS. I couldn't really find anyone in my area who worked with adult AS, so I just sought help for the overwhelming anxiety that I experienced all my life. Still not finding any magical cure, I found Wrongplanet. It still hasn't reduced anxiety, but it has allowed me to express myself for who I am, and be accepted for who I am. Knowing that there are people who are going through and went through the very same difficulties that I did, when before I thought I was the only one, has been the best therapy I've ever had.

Now, I'm proud of who I am and who I've become, I regard AS as a gift. It has brought me so much happiness with my interests in electronics, my oddball collections, and given me a lot of pride for how knowledgeable I've become in my special interests and the very gift I was blessed with. I would not change it for the world.

Being born different is not a curse. It's not something you should hide. Your brain is simply wired differently, not incorrectly. Do not be ashamed of who you are because others don't accept it. Be proud of who you are. The only person you have to please is you. You weren't put on this earth to please others.

I hate being who I am, but it's very hard to change myself. I know that if I tried, I would probably wouldn't do it right, since it's hard to be something you're not. I'd probably either change myself to a miserable, solemn, quiet person and then end up bottling all my feelings up, or I'd probably go the other way - which is putting on false confidence, which isn't much good for anyone, because people can suss you out much easier than if you just remain yourself. I've learnt that. If I go to a place where I'm meeting completely new people, I don't try to pass myself off as confident and outgoing because I know I will blow it (since I'm just not a confident and outgoing person). Then people will just think I'm annoying or weird. But if I just be shy, but make some effort to be friendly, like smiling, making eye-contact, being polite, being relaxed, and only speaking at appropriate times, then people will get the gist that I'm shy and will treat me with more respect. That way my confidence builds up more, knowing that I'm accepted, and then I go from there. That's what I normally do, rather than changing to the full extent.

Personally, I do not want to change myself at the moment because currently I'm content with myself and it seems that other people here feel the same way.

However, I have changed a lot in the past two years, and I guess this has come mostly with the circumstances in my life. This included rejection, loneliness, depression, major anxieties and limited knowledge of what was socially "right" or "wrong", all of which have for the most part been eradicated in the past year.

Why do you want a social life if it overwhelms you with anxiety and exhausts you? Would it not be better to try and have the amount of human interaction you do enjoy and can handle comfortably, no more and no less?

Autism has a lot to do with tolerance levels. Low tolerance for people-generated crap (social pressure, too much personal attention, hecticity, noise, aggression, lies, obsession over appearances, too much language and not enough space, etc. etc.). So it would be in your interest for your tolerance levels to become a bit higher. This is very difficult to achieve, but it's possible. It's very difficult because if your tolerance levels get exceeded too often or too drastically, they will become even lower, and if out of fear you keep your circumstances way below your maximum tolerance (e.g. by avoiding people altogether), your tolerance levels will also become even lower. So the trick is to try and stay near your maximum tolerances without exceeding them. Push yourself gently but not too hard, making sure you don't lose touch with space (the medium in which your consciousness exists, as language seems to be for NT's).



But you can't be something you're not. I'd really like to be a solitary mammal of some sort, with fur and bigger teeth, so that the billions of complete strangers I've never met won't entertain the incomprehensible belief that some close relationship between them and me exists, and I can bite them if they get too close. My desire is moot, obviously. I'll be a hairless ape until I die.