I don't even know what this means :(

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I'm catching all kinds of hell for "not taking on my husband's concerns as my own". He says I don't care about what's important to him. I brought up this morning that I wanted to go back to Romania next year and he freaked out on me saying that I was talking about something I wanted when I hadn't even addressed things he wanted (as if they were freaking mutually exclusive!! !!). I don't know what he wants. NTs are a MYSTERY and I am afraid I will never figure this out. HELP!

~Kate

I think he just doesn't want to go there....that's not to say that you on your own can't.

Ask him why he doesn't want to see where you were born (if he loves you that much).

That might explain a few things.

Ask him to speak up and tell you what he wants. You're not a mind reader. But talking about his needs are not going to negate talking about your needs. You want returning to Romania next year on the discussion table. It's as simple as that. What does he want on the discussion table?

I suggest changing the context of the discussion by creating a visual. If you create a fictional venue that requires a metaphorical action (ie. putting something on the discussion table) it reframes the discussion in the context that it's his responsibility to address his concerns. He's the only one who can put his concerns on the table. You're the only one who can put your concerns on the table. Nothing can be discussed unless it's on the discussion table for both of you to see.

Hopefully, this will avoid some of the emotive explosion in the future. If it doesn't, then he's manipulating a situation - intentionally or unintentionally - based on an emotional response that he's unable or unready to be honest and forthcoming about. That all takes place in his head so there's not a lot you can do other than make it clear that you'll always be available for rational, calm discussion.

Your husband surprised you by freaking out when you said you want to go back to Romania next year. He said you don't care what's important to him. I would be surprised, too, if he said this just out of the blue. But I suspect that is not what happened.

I suspect there have been many previous situations in which he felt you weren't listening to him and didn't care what was important to him. But he didn't say anything to you on those occasions.

I don't know why he didn't say anything on those previous occasions. Does he know you have Asperger's, and don't pick up on nonverbal clues? Whatever the reason he kept silent in the past, this time he'd had enough.

He already feels you are emotionally distant from him. Now, out of the blue, you suggest putting physical distance between you and him. No wonder he's upset.

You know you have to make a special effort to put yourself in his position and try to imagine what he thinks and feels. You should have asked him how he would feel about your returning to Romania. Better yet, you should have asked him if he wouldd like to come with you, meet your family, see where you grew up. It's still not too late for you to do that.

Let him know that you love him (I assume you do) and want to be with him, even in Romania.

I should clarify: What he was referring to is that he would really like to build an addition on our house so that our youngest daughter can have her own room and so he can have a stereo listening room and a hobby room/study. He also wants to put in a little studio apartment for our son. I have no problem with this, and in fact am supportive of it, including refinancing our mortgage to include it, but he apparently wants me to "take this on as my own project" or something, and I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing other than being supportive. I barely have the ability to be aggressive about my own things, like getting my passport for Romania, fundraising for my medical mission, etc, and if he means that he wants me to start calling people about this project of his to try to get it off the ground, I think I'm just going to want to crawl in a hole and die. When I ask him what he means he says I "shouldnt' have to ask" AAARRRRGGGGHHH!! !! For whoever asked, yes he knows I have AS. This is driving me absolutely crazy because I can't even IMAGINE what it is he wants from me and if I come out and ask he says if I have to ask there's something wrong and I don't care/don't love him/whatever.

I am so frustrated I am afraid I'm going to have a meltdown, which I haven't done in a while.

~Kate

Does he have high estrogen levels?

That's exactly what my mother sounded like when she was in menopause.

How are you supposed to know what the heck is he thinking, if he's not even being willing to say what the heck is he thinking?

I think some folks forgot the values of straightforward, honest communication, where everything isn't about them (oh woe is me!), and act like some drama queens desperate to get ANY attention. Crazy mind games do not constitute love - I'd say to him, if you can't spell out what is wrong, and you know I have AS, and alexythimia and I can't figure out even my own feelings, if you loved/cared for me you'd have enough sympathy to understand that I CAN'T imagine things that doesn't govern logic or aren't spelled out directly.

I'm really sorry that he's putting you through this crap again. *hugs*

Thanks It's so hard to figure him out sometimes. I wish he would just TELL ME what he wants me to do. I *do* support him in what he wants and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to facilitate it. All he has to do is tell me. Really. I just don't like this having to think of things ahead of time and figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. I've been anxious all day because I can't do it and I know I can't. I feel like someone has blindfolded me and said "now figure out how to get out of this maze or I'm going to think you don't care about me" and all I can do is run into walls! He even said the other day that my inability to do this means I'm incapable of love. It's just not true.

~Kate

Aww - that is so incorrect and unfair! *hugs* To say that just because we lack the theory of mind we are incapable of love is not only wrong but cruel as well. It seems to me that he might be projecting his own in-capabilities on you - can he read your mind? Can he say what you want, think or feel? Does it mean that he loves you if he can predict what next medical research you'll do, what next O-Zone song you'll translate or what kind of pajamas you plan to buy? Usually women are those touchy-feely types that say to their husbands when something is wrong that "if they loved them, they would know" or similar crappy emo stuff. I'm not sure that even psychiatrists can read minds to a satisfying degree, even less people that have different brain structure, different ways of analysing and processing information, who lack the intuitive grasp of human interaction. The best we can do is to make an educated guess - but unfortunately I guess it's easier to predict the weather, than it is to predict the human behaviour at times. Entropy and chaos govern the world of human psyche.

i'm not marred or anything...and this might be innapropriate or immature..

But maybe he wants more sex? <shrugs>

Being somewhat of a meteorology geek, I find the weather MUCH more easy to deal with! At least it doesn't ask you to *read minds* or do all sorts of touchy-feely social stuff that makes you cringe inside, like think of what someone else *might* want from you and play guessing games to prove you love them. ARGH! I wish he'd just accept that I have a hard time with this. It doesn't mean what he thinks it does. It means I don't know what to do. That's all it means. I am so tired today because I've expended so much energy trying to figure out what he wants from me that I'm just trying to muddle through today at work I hate this

I support what he wants to do regarding the house. I want it to happen. Why isn't that enough????

@ liveandletdie LOL...maybe more sex would distract him!

~Kate

Also...if you are a decent cook, make him his favorite food and that might cheer him up.

Even if you don't know what it is specifically you can probably think of things you know he does like to cheer him up.

liveandletdie marital/communication problems like this can't be improved with sex or food I wish it was that easy

Sorry Kate for your situation, from what you say here and in other threads I don't think there's real willingness from both sides to improve things. Looks like you have to deal with a lot of reactions rooted in frustration and lack of communication and if your husband doesn't want to discuss things with you and demands you just read him mind... I can't think of anything you can do

I think Salamandrina's sig line says it all - selfishness is asking others to live as one wishes to live.

If he wanted an NT - he should have married one - and not after 20 or so years want someone to change their basic features just because he feels like doing so. This marriage is his responsibility as well - and blaming others for not being what he wants, is childish to say the least.

I'd do anything to be ABLE to do this. I wish I could. But all the wishing in the world isn't going to make me NT. I wish he would just let go of the idea that I could do this if I only "cared enough". Does he think I don't WANT my daughter to have her own room? Or that I don't CARE? What a douche, if he does think that. Or if he doesn't why is he expecting me to read his mind about what I'm supposed to be doing about it??? But I can't even ASK now because if I ask, THAT "means something" bad.

Damn. This sucks.

~Kate

^^THAT!! !! !

It's driving me crazy that he thinks I can change this if I "want to" and if I try hard enough. He sticks around and tries to change me, the EX didn't want me to change but threw me away like a piece of trash.

Men suck. (yeah, I know it's a sexist, gross overgeneralization and I'm just venting, don't really mean it and this disclaimer is meant to prevent offense to those men who don't behave like douche lords)

~Kate

The whole wanting you to be NT is BS anyway. Even if you were it doesn't mean you could read his mind or do things he wants but can't be bothered to do himself. It's just a lame excuse so he can put the blame on you.