Fixated on someone I've never talked to before

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777

Welcome to WP, Velvet_Morning. Despite what I'm about to write to you (in public view of others no less ), do try to enjoy your stay here...

So this situation with this girl you're stuck on has all the ingredients to make up Regret Soup, Extra Large. The core of it is that you're stuck in your mind between "I'd rather not try to find out since she could say 'no'" and "I *just want to know* how she feels about me!"

Stepping back a bit, this is a lot like being faced with any other large, life-changing unknown, like:
- what if my grade on this final isn't high enough?
- what if this quarter's results are so bad I get downsized out?
- what if my mom really has cancer?
- what if my husband is cheating on me?

The common theme in these is the not knowing, and how it can drive the one-who-doesn't-know to great distraction, or even paralysis of decision. This isn't specifically an aspie thing [1]; this condition seems to happen to everyone.

One for me was "what if I don't measure up to the standards of the place in which I work, and they let me go?" It still prays on me from time to time. When I joined I was one of the least competent sysadmins in the whole organization because everyone is a rock star. I'm better at it now, but I still feel like I'm doing all I can to keep up.

I don't honestly know whether or not aspies deal with this better or worse than NTs either. In my experience, some folks just deal with this worse than others, and I don't know what sets those folks apart.

The only prescriptive advice I have for you is related to your mention about being the best you can be for others and yourself. Start with yourself. "Being what others need you to be" should be what you choose, not what anyone else does. Don't ever let someone take that choice from you; it's your responsibility and no one else's.

Best,
AK

[1] I believe this thing is called The Human Condition.

It happens.. I empathize a lot with some of your story.

When I was in highschool, I had this crush on a girl in my gym class. Now in highschool.. I wasn't very liked, very teased and no one made a real effort to talk to me. Now was in gym class and had forgot to bring my uniform that day and so did this girl I was sitting next to.

All of a sudden she started talking to me out of nowhere and she was one of the only intelligent people I talked to in highschool period, friendly, nice, attractive. Now the next day she invites me to sit next to her and I was so overcome by peer pressure and what everyone else thought that I didn't. I don't regret not hooking up with her, but I regret not taking the initiative to speak to her. At the very least I could've made a good friend.

My point is this--people say not to approach people at work, but this life is way too short. How many opportunities are we going to let go?

I wouldn't harp on it anymore.. I know a big thing about aspergers can be obsessing with things. I'd try to let it go as best as I can tho, through highschool/gradeschool I had those types of infatuations with people I didn't know as well. Its not productive.. and to be honest, she could've had a boyfriend then and could be married now.

The best you can do is not to hesitate next time, if its a work thing.. and they seem uncomfortable with you approaching them for coffee or something, play it off as a friend and don't approach again. That way not only do you know they are/aren't interested, but you don't get fired as well.

P.S. Women rarely approach guys, just like a lot of women expect flowers and a guy to pay for the first date (at least) women generally like to be approached. The best you'll get usually.. is them talking your ears off and trying to get to know you.

777

Thanks a lot for talking to me & the advice