Emotional Abuse

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I am in counseling now but we haven't delved much into emotional abuse. I was the "target child" for emotional abuse from my mother. I understand why I am the target, I was strong willed, difficult to parent , really I was just "difficult", I argued too much with her and probably the biggest reason is I remind of her sister she cannot get along with. I don't want to cut off the relationship because she has helped me tremendously financially as my husband had cancer this year. They always made sure I had everything I needed so I was not neglected. I was however the only child to get ever get punished for wrong doings. My brother and sister in her eyes "never did what I did" which was get into verbal escalations with her. As a child and teenager I in turn will admit I could be very verbally abusive to my brother and sister. I was downright mean, I have since apologized tremendously and have taken responsibility for my actions towards them and we get along great.

When I was in verbal altercations with her I was constantly reminded I "was destroying the family", "if I only could act like my brother and sister did it would be fine", I basically "ruined" every holiday and birthday, I was always being told I was selfish, manipulative and controlling, her favorite phrase "it's always about you isn't it." She has told me once while intoxicated and once sober how she gets along much better with my sister than me and will still admit that sober. She justifies that as an okay way to feel. I see it as favoritism.

For most of my late childhood years, teen years and continuing I felt like I was a bad person and have been searching for what was so much more wrong with me than apparently everyone in my family. I was the perfect student in school, very intelligent, well behaved, a nice kid. At home not so much. She's almost like a martyr in that she would do anything for you but I always felt if I didn't act "right" or I criticized it was "well I did xyz, how can you act like this." I don't want to be her. I could see myself heading that direction when I would fight with my husband I sounded just like her so I am working very hard to "break the cycle."

I know I had meltdowns. I have sensory integration issues with sound and touch. I had a very hard time understanding when people were joking and i took EVERYTHING literally, which unfortunately was used as entertainment. She is still convinced I am "the problem" and the only one in the family who needs counseling. What was worse is she would tear me down when she was mad but when I was "being good" I was told how wonderful and smart I was. It makes for a very confusing life. How do you have a relationship like that? She wants me to forget the past but I can't. I remember everything. We have discussed Asperger's which I at first thought it would help her understand me but now I realize it is her way to make me even more of a scapegoat. I was bad because of this and she didn't know how to handle it. Which is true but she still holds me highly responsible for everything that went wrong in our family and herself to very little responsibility. Besides the work I am doing in counseling, I don't know how to have a relationship with her? They all still look at me as something to be fixed, they just had a conversation over the weekend about how much "better" I am. I just don't know what to do.

I don't know what to say to offer you support other than I've been there too. Mom really hated me, & she was never one to mince words about how she really felt about me. Yet she'd tell others how wonderful I was but never when I was around. I was an only child unfortunately, & that just made the situation even worse. She did tell me she loved me on occasion, but her actions showed her true feelings. I did my best to stay scarce around her....never knowing what mood she might be in, or what she'd do if I upset her.

All I can say is to keep on keeping on in the direction you're going. Therapy is supposed to help. Not sure if you'll get her to tag along with your siblings, or if that would even be a good idea until you are stronger. It's nice that she's given you some financial help. Maybe that's a step in the right direction.

Hope your hubby is doing ok with the cancer treatments.

Tomboy

I was emotionally abused that one week that I spent at my parents home two years ago in the fall. My mum saw me at my laptop all hours of the day and she told me that it was the worse that she's ever seen me. I told her a few things that I've been keeping to myself the very next morning, that I've been keeping to myself for years. I was fine after I told her that secret and I shut right up.

I can definitely relate to this - some women are never meant to be mothers. My mother was one of those people, and she did the same thing as you say yours does (say she loves you then blame you and tear you down). She played favourites as well, and it effects everything even though you get older. Telling someone to "get over it" is just as selfish, because when it affects you so much, and it's so incredibly wrong, how could you forget? I still haven't forgiven my mother for her abuse, and I've segregated myself from her as much as I can. Some people just can't change, but I hope that your mother can and that someday you may have a better relationship with her. Good luck!

I really appreciate everyone's support. It's just so hard because even posting this makes me feel guilty because all my life I have been told that I am the one that sees everything wrong. My view of the world is skewed. I just sometimes think she can justify her behavior because of the money she has spent on me. I still find myself questioning what it was really like when I was growing up. However, the more I read on emotional abuse that's what I find people who are emotionally abused feel. They are very unsure of themselves and their feelings because I was always told my feelings were wrong and I shouldn't feel that way and I remember things wrong. It's been really tough since I can't distance myself as we now we live in the same town and I have been very financially dependent on her because of my husband's cancer. Until the cancer I have been financially independent basically since I moved out after high school until now. My reason for getting a job in high school was so that she had nothing to hold over me. I just hate that she has something to hold over me because now I can't say what I feel without a fear of a verbal beating of how she does so much for me and I am ungrateful etc. even though I always thank her and offer to do what I can to help. I like hearing everyone's stories it helps to heal.

I would be cautious of that kind of verbiage. Being more of a challenge, you likely drew more negative emotion than a sibling ... but that does not mean your mother specifically "targeted" you.


Are you thinking of cutting her off because of something in the past?


I think it is tacky for her to have told you (or even anyone about that), but I have 'favorites" among my own children and grandchildren without loving any of them any less.


Before cutting your mother out of your life, I think you really should make more effort to understand her and to deal with her fairly so you actually can keep from becoming just like her.


There is your sticking point, and there is where you work must be done.


Ask your therapist about the possibility of some family counseling.

Thank you for the points. I DO NOT want to cut my mother out of my life. That is my whole reason for writing about this. It's not just about the past but because this continues to happen. For example when I was in college my sister had a binge drinking problem and when I addressed the concern to her she told me I was trying to control my sister. She only believed me when she saw it happen for herself. My sister lived a few hours away and became so intoxicated we had to call the cops to find because she couldn't articulate where she was and wandered the streets calling and hanging up the phone for hours in the middle of the night. Then she realized there might be a problem. She thought I was controlling her instead of being concerned. I love my mother but I am trying to figure a good way to be around her in the right amount so I don't get drawn into these escalations. It has gotten better because I am trying to avoid any confrontation because that is when there is a problem. I have spent a quite a bit of time around her family and I see why she is this way. One of her sisters was verbally abusive to her and still is. I think her mother may have been verbally abusive to her two eldest siblings one being the one who is cruel to my mother. Both this sister and my mother have recently decided to no longer communicate because of their differences. I am piecing the history but my mom will not do family therapy with me. She thinks that won't work. She stated she did not want to turn out like her sister because she gets angry like the sister she does not talk to anymore but she doesn't think she needs counseling because she can work it out on her own. This is why it is difficult because she thinks she doesn't need the help it's just me who does because unfortunately I am the only one who has caused problems from her point of view. I think it's a combination of family dynamics but she won't consider that.

You definitely do have a tough situation, and I commend you for considering my challenges.

Many years ago, I told both of my parents I was all done hearing anything more in any way negative from either of them (even about each other) ... and all of that did eventually stop. And along with that, the kind of "history" you are investigating in your own case was definitely helpful in my efforts to not turn out "just like my dad".

I've been emotionally abused too... not in the same sense but mostly by school systems. I was the target to students and teachers and everyone always picked on me while the teachers always said I was doing it by making unusual facial expressions that 'egged them on'. But I've always autistic traits growing up... and most of the things I did were because of that. It was tough because I had one friend but that friend always moved away.

So, in a sense, I know how you feel. It got to the point where I always had one meltdown after another at him because I hated going to school... but I still had to go... I had to deal with the teasing and the neglect and ignorance of students and teachers. I was often the one who got in trouble for something another student did... and I would end up crying or melting down.

I've always thought of confronting those who did that and one I did... he actually said he was sorry for bullying me. But I never told him about having autism. I was afraid of speaking to him and most of my past classmates who had made fun of me like that and I chose not to. It was because of the of trauma and lack of social interaction.

It's hard when you are treated this way, you don't want to feel like they are always burden and you want to make amends with them and yet you are scared. It can be really difficult and I can sort of understand how you feel right now. I could never tell them what was wrong with me and I ran away. I had trouble actually talking to them.

So yeah, I sort of know how you feel. But its good you received counseling. I would get it but I have a lack of expression and communication... and have to writer everything I explain down.