I don't know.

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I don’t know. This phrase has haunted me for a few years now and in the deep recesses of my mind I can always hear these words being echoed. For a while I thought I knew what the world was about, but where assumed information was, that phrase eventually began to take its place. My mind has now eroded so far into uncertainty that I can’t even reliably interoperate the simplest of situations without muddling the waters with subtle possibilities to the most absurd of possibilities. Well, at least it was like this for a while; where I would run through different scenarios trying to figure out the true underlying meaning to various experiences/ideas, usually leaning towards paranoia (especially when dealing with other people).

However, more recently I have found that my mind has begun to shut out more and more; as my mind continues to silence an increasing amount of content, I’m becoming worse at things as I’m less aware. I’m more forgetful, I’m slower to catch on, I make less sense to other people and I can’t find the motivation to do anything. Strangely enough, if I look into my past I can see a vast sum of errors and not much achievement. So, I begin to wonder if I have always been in this dismal state minus the obvious depression. A very frightening thought as I would characterize my current state as mentally challenged. I’m seriously failing at every aspect of my life and can’t regain my grip as my hands don’t know where to apply the pressure. My current mood may be exaggerating the severity of my difficulties but if that’s not the case I have no idea what I should do with myself. I would seriously not like to live another 60 years of agonizingly aware misery with no hope for improving the situation. It really doesn’t seem worth it and as of now I essentially only serve as a burden to others around me. I can’t make sense of anything anymore.

I can’t help but believe that there was something to my previous state that was far preferable to my current one. As odd as it may be I think that my previous state was more so of my own world and this difficulty I’m experiencing is the conflict between my internal world and the real one. I vaguely believe that my previous internal state at times showed a richness worth extending into the real world, but alas the time for whimsical interpretation is over and all that I was must now be sacrificed to what I’m deterministically destined to become.

Really… what is depression but the slow acceptance of the truth behind a misguided expectation? I was a fool for ever having even a shred of hope.

I really dread to think of what my life outcome will be if things continue down this current path. I don’t think things will change and I don’t want to press on through such unforgiving terrain.

Things do get better. I wish I knew what to say to help.

Please hang in there. I don't know what else to say. I do know what it is like to have the phrase 'I don't know' in my mind stuck and echoing in my mind. If I understand right, it is like an answer to a question but you have no idea what it is you don't know.

It's not that the phrase "I dont know" repeats in my head and that the phrase's repitition is somehow troubling me; it's that im so dissociated that I cant make heads or tails of anything.

ooh, i like the way you write and find the content of your writing very interesting.

it wouldn't really make sense to give advice or reassurance when I usually feel the same way and am struggling to find myself in a better position. so I just thought I'd tell you how nicely you write. sorry