Feeling Un-important

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So, amongst all the other issues I've been dealing with lately, there's one in particular that makes me sad: it's feeling unimportant.

And I don't say this as in "my life is meaningless", I mean to say that there was a party that happened today (that I was not invited to), which many of my friends went to, and I checked facebook only to see that one of my friends posted "We missed you tonight!! !!" on another friends' wall.

This of course hurt me intensely, as this has never happened to me before and I really wish it would.

Of course, there's roots to all this: people miss their friends for variety of reasons. Whether it's what they bring to the table, what they mean to the other friends, or how long they've known each other.

But I guess it just hurts because I wasn't invited for any of those reasons. I haven't known my friends as long as they've all known each other. The longest i've known one of them was roughly 4 years, which was a good male friend of mine. Past that, it's friendship, but nothing intensely close.

I have reason to believe it's because I'm not very "zany" or crazy around other people. One of my friends recently stuck his hand down another friends' bra, simply to get back his keys which were "stolen" from him as a joke.

I sort of wish that would happen to me. I'm not shy enough to not reach in and grab them. But there's other factors to take into consideration too: he was single, while she was in a relationship. At the time I was also in a relationship (sadly, it's not that way anymore) so I can see why it would've been weird. But I guess I just don't feel important or wanted.

It really hurts to see people have so much fun with each other, and then when I'm invited it doesn't seem to be quite the same way. It may just be coincidence, but I would love to be allowed to have fun like they have fun.

It hurts. It really does hurt.

Well, i can relate to you, worst of all is when you can't maintain a long term friendship simply because you don't know how, then you try to make contact sometimes but the person doesn't make any effort, it like being an "accessory friend", you are just attached to the group itself and not a part of it, and it hurts sometimes i know... especially when you think you're all alone... but things do get better, believe me...

I understand. It's frustrating when people forget you're there. Just because someone is quiet and serious doesn't mean they have nothing to offer. I would not recommend trying on a fake personality though, it doesn't work and just turns people off. Anyway, being the quiet one that people forget and ignore is the frikkin' story of my life. I will say your friends may be misreading your quietness as lack of interest and not invite you along for that reason.

Yeah, I relate to this completely. Because I simply can't figure out how to insert my comments into an ongoing group conversation, I wind up sitting perfectly silent at any social gathering, even when I'm attempting to talk. Eventually, I figured out the following:

1. I'm much better off one on one than at any sort of party.

2. If I want to go to a party, I always bring along a "helper", which to me is another social person who will specifically be my babysitter.

3. Xanax, alcohol and weed go a long way toward my mixing successfully with others in the short term.

But in the long term, I still don't belong to any groups and I don't expect to in the future, either.

I often feel the same way. I'm lucky enough to have some close friends who don't do that - if any of us go to an event in a certain social circle, we invite the others. But for a long time, that wasn't the case.

And it was awful.

Yeah, I have to say that I agree, quietness is OFTEN read as lack of interest. I mean.. for a lot of NT's its not enough if you talk and laugh once in a while, you have to consistently be engaged to be taken seriously. You have to be able to be sharp enough to joke around with them and yet disengaging enough to not offend them.

Awkward body language and utter seriousness, compared to someone constantly smiling and laughing puts out the vibe that you don't want to hang out and that you're not interested in doing things like going to parties. Keep in mind this isn't every NT, but its how I believe a huge chunk of society is wired.

In school, (and this is just an example) speaking for an avg of 15 minutes in a 1 hour class is being quiet and boring.

People try and fit in with cliques without even knowing what they're missing out on. Even people with AS sometimes do this.

Anyway I feel for you, I got hurt by the same things growing up. It'd be weird because sometimes i'd think i'm making genuine connections and soon find i'm distanced by my peers. Whatever you do, don't let it determine your worth.

The most frustrating and confusing part (to me, at least) is attempting to be kind and funny around my friends.

Because both work: but neither seems to cause them to want me again.

Like, I have no difficulty making jokes or teasing others, but it only really works with a few people, where I know they're comfortable with it. When it's new friends, I feel like you have to sort of "get a feel" for what's going on.

A friend of mine was dealing with the stress of losing a friendship of his own once. It was clearly still bothering him, and he got argumentative and defensive when we brought it up. So I asked him what was wrong, how he was feeling, and tried to help him relax, and see things from a different view.

As far as I know, it worked: it didn't solve his problem entirely but he did calm down, and later realized that he was being really weird with how he was dealing with his friend choosing to not be a part of his life anymore.

Still... I feel like nobody's really here to help me at the hard times.

I think why I haven't been invited recently is because an ex of mine is a part of their friend group. They don't want to cause any trouble so... why invite me? She's funner, I guess.

It hurts because the break up happened only recently and I feel like I don't have the support of too many friends to get me through this. I have a few who've been there and heard me out and helped me while I was hurting, but I still feel alone.

And I really, really miss her. A lot.

Group of guy friends? Yeah, especially if she's even remotely attractive or personable (which is attractive).

Group of girl friends? Yeah, because they're more likely to empathize with her unless you happen to be really close with them.

But yeah.. unfortunately/fortunately, people generally prefer girls around at parties. Thats why girls get into things like clubs for free or on the cheap. Ever hear of ladies night?

One thing I can say about relationships.. is that no matter how hard they get, or how mad you get, you have someone who can be there for you usually.

Although sometimes we must deal with things by ourselves.. it isn't easy.. but hang in there and you'll pass this trial you're going through.

It seems like you are hanging around people who are extroverts. In a crowd like that, it is easy to get lost and unable to make close connections. It is easy to disappear.

If you are an Aspie, you will probably do better in groups of 1-3 people instead of 4-6. It also seems like you hang out with a large quantity of people and so you lose that quality.

I'd hang around people who are a mixed group or more introverted. That way, you can build trust and then be able to interact with more ease.

Truism there: it does hurt to be excluded.

I haven't found a Magick Bullet(tm) around it for the few times it gets me. I figure the best I can do is not to turn bitter about it towards anyone else; that is, I'm doing well if I don't end up concluding that "that happened because someone specifically wanted something to be at my expense" without clear evidence of same.