Bad Time With Friendship

Post Reply New Topic

I made a really good friend 2 years ago, We used to spend all our time together, now she is off with a new friend and talks to me once in awhile. The other day when she thought her friend was, so called 'thick' with her, she came crawling... back to me. I was accepting of her coming back, now her and her friend are best companions again and she has left me for the second time, I'm feeling really angry and upset, but I'm holding it all in and feel really low, I don't know how to tell if I have depression or not. I know I can't trust her, she is really hurting me, slowly this friendship is falling apart. I am wondering if it's something I may have said to upset her, I don't recall saying anything. I phoned her New Years (12am) to wish her a happy New Year, she never answered, I thought maybe she never heard the phone ringing. The call would have registered on her phone that I would have called, she never phoned me back. I feel extremely hurt, that after being friends for 2 years that she would not reply to my phone call. What do I do? should I confront her, and ask what has happened our friendship or let the friendship fall apart

Hi. I don't know what you should do, but just to let you know, I know exactly what it's like to be in that situation.

If you really are depressed, then you should get help. I have been quite seriously depressed a few times, and have ended up in hospital because of it. The thing about is, is that it rapidly spirals, so it's worth nipping in the bud: it can become a way of life quite quickly, and that's not good for anyone - least of all, you.

I would love to be able to talk to you about the problems with your friend, but have no idea about how to deal with this kind of thing. So, sorry about that.

Leila thank you so much anyway for your advice, I'm still not 100% sure about depression, as I just retrieve into my own so called 'world' for about a week or so and then come back out. But this time it's really lasting a considerable amount of time, I think it's just because I trusted this person so much, and then to feel so let down really hurts. I don't want to go see anyone because they just start prescribing things and don't help to deal with the underlying issue.

She's using you as a friend, rather than treating you like a friend.

In case that isn't all that clear to anyone, short explanation / elaboration:

If she respected you as her friend, she would be treating you in a similar way to this "new" friend of hers. If she's had the new friend for a while now, and it has been like this for some time, then she is no longer treating you and the new friend as equals. For whatever reason, she is showing favoritism towards this other friend. Now if she still made an effort to do things with you, that would be a bit upsetting, but she would still be treating you like a friend. She would still be a friend.

The fact that she comes back to you when it is convenient for her, when she needs something, then she is using you. She's using you as a friend that she can put back on the shelf and forget once she's done with you. That's not a friendship. That's making you into a commodity, into a thing. Needless to say, that's not something a friend would do.

Missing the phone call, well, that's a tricky subject. Hell, I ignore phone calls and voice mails at times just because I'm in a bad mood, and I don't feel like talking to anyone. I don't want to deal with them, and I find it unfair to make them deal with me in my less than pleasant state. That's just one example of someone missing a call. There's several. If she's missed one phone call, give her another shot, try again, leave a message.

Here's the speculation part, take this with a grain of salt, your mileage may vary, etc. I'm speculating, nothing more.

If she didn't have this other friend earlier in your friendship, this could be how she treats everyone. She uses them for what they're worth as she needs, and moves on. Self-centered to the core. This "new" friend may find this out sooner or later as well. You may have considered her a close, good friend for a while, but that's because she needed, or at the least wanted, you in that "friend" position. She wanted someone there. You filled that position, so she did what was necessary to keep you there. Hell, she may have even meant some of it. Now that she has this "new" friend, be it for a change of pace, for more similar interests, whatever, she no longer needs you in that position.

And now for my opinion on ways to handle this... same disclaimer as above.

If you want this to be settled, first try to do more with her. Call her up, say you want to hang out or something. Doesn't really matter what, just come up with something to do. Try and make a point of having it be just you and her, not this other friend. Try to do some catching up, see how she reacts, if it goes well say it was fun and you should do it more often. If she makes an excuse the first time, says she's busy, tell her to call you back in a few days when she isn't. If she doesn't, you have your answer: she views you as someone that should be there for her when she needs, the hell with your needs.

From this point, you've got a couple options. You could either ignore it, hold a grudge, wait and see if her and her new friend ever fight, wait for her to come crawling back, and tell her off for treating you this way, leaving her with nobody to attend to her needs. The alternative is that you could tell her a short time after her not getting back to you that you don't understand why she is avoiding you, and doesn't seem to give a damn about your friendship except when she needs it, and tell her that you're through wasting your time.

I know, both of those are pretty extreme ways to do it, but that's only for after you try the first way.

Hah damn, I got carried away. Posts before I could finish my own.

Go to a therapist or psychologist first. In most states, they cannot prescribe medications. After listening to you they may refer you to a psychiatrist, and in the ideal situation the two would work together to determine your treatment. I've had a psychiatrist (well, multiple) put me on four different medications to try and get me to "feel better," and for me, well, none of them worked. I know they work for some people, guess I just wasn't one of the lucky ones.

Secondly, you gotta find a good psychologist / therapist. One that's a good match for you. Some will tell you what you should do, others try to start a dialogue, help you through it. I don't like the first type, even though at times it feels like I'm doing the same thing here due to the different means of communication. The second type, they don't solve your problem, but they help you think through it and solve it yourself. In my experience, just walking out of the office afterwards and I was already in a better mood. The elevated mood may not have lasted indefinitely, but my overall mood improved after every session, and stayed that way for a good while.

Last edited by shadexiii on 02 Jan 2007, 4:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well, yes, but that depends upon the kind of doctor you see. I have spent many years battling depression, and was on loads of medication for about ten years - to me, it will always be the 'lost decade'. It took a long time to find someone who was prepared to acknowledge that there were other things going on.

People can be horribly hurtful, and, again, I don't know what to do about that. I don't see that there's much that anyone can do, except for to try to understand how it is that you yourself believe that people should be, and then try to just be it. You will never be able to control others' behaviour, and so there's no point worrying about it. (Easy to say, I know!)

Being let down when you've trusted someone is horrible. But I think that's just it - it's a horrible feeling, and it won't last forever (no feeling ever does).

Keep well.

The hole thing was that she treated me like I was the greatest person in the world to her, when she became friends with me, she stopped being friends with her husbands sister. I can see the same thing happening to me, but how long will it last with the new friend of 4 months? Quite long so far.

I think I will try the first scenario and then move to the second if the first doesnt work, I am starting to think she has been using me all along, but why what use am I to her? I feel like a complete idiot, for letting her get so involved with my life.

I will try to see someone, although I'm a bit sceptic. I just need someone who will listen and give advice when asked for. I may have depression for all I know, but I can't diagnose myself.


Thanks for all your advice, it is much appreciated.

Two quick points:

1. If she suddenly dumped a friend (her husband's sister), and just as suddenly took up another, only in order to dump her too, then it sounds like she's the one with the "problem", not you.

2. It is never, I believe, idiotic to let people into your life. Even if you trust them and then they let you down - this is kindness and understanding, not idiocy.

I agree completely.


Just be as open with the person as you can. I know, not all that appealing, but you're paying this person to help you with your problems. The more you tell them, the more they can help. It would be like going in to a repair place with your car and saying "Fix it," without giving any info you have on the vehicle. Even small stuff could prove helpful. And as for trust, granted you've had someone violate your trust, but, and this might sound bad at first though it isn't, you're partially paying this person to listen to you in confidence. I don't want it to sound like I'm comparing a therapist to an escort, pay the money, get the service, go your way. The good ones care about the patient more than the money, but everybody's got to eat.

This sucks.I have been in this situation many times and have always been clueless as to what I did wrong.Logic would say,either they dont like who I am and just tolerated me until they found someone who better met their needs or they just use people for what they get from them and the other person has more "advantages"to offer..Maybe those are the same thing in the end.

I made a lot of personal sacrifices in attempts to develop and keep friendships with females.They seem more demanding of my time and emotions then males.I decided it wasn't worth the effort.Females never make an effort to be friends with me,as far as I can tell.I got tired of persueing them.I thikn the best thing to do would be to stop persueing,play hard to get.If she is interested in the relationship,let her pursue you>if she doesn't,then you know were youstand.If she does,dont make an effort to be the "giving" one,let her make a few sacrifices.I dont know why,but some women only enjoy what they have to work for.(I know that they do this with guys all the time).It sounds like a game(one I could never play)but it seems to suit the psyche of many NT females.

Leila, you absolutely right I don't need to be feeling like the idiot, or the one to blame. This was not my fault, although I do think that when you don't let someone get to close you don't feel as hurt afterwards, if they let you down.

Everything in life is a gamble. If you don't take the risk, you don't reap the reward if things work out. You can either close yourself off and avoid pain, or let other people in (once you are comfortable) and risk pain, and happiness.

Sorry everyone having some trouble with the computer, I will have to try and sort it out and get back. All my posts are out of order, due to my own fault. I get distracted while typing one post, come back to it and finish it off send it and then find more posts that I have not answered. They website is not working well on my computer, I will see what I can do.

P.S. I will keep you all posted how things are going, I will be away for a week so this plan will be in waiting. Now I'm beginning to sound like the one playing games. Hold on that just jogged my memory, she used to play mind games to see if she could trust me, I'm beginning to see a completely different side of her know.

I may be back on later...

*IrishEyes*

It's true that trusting people can, and often does, entail being let down. But I agree with Shadexiii (may have spelled that wrongly); it is, in the end, a matter of faith - that's kind of what "trust" means. I would much rather be naive and vulnerable than bitter and suspicious. As it happens, I am a mixture of both, and these days, probably veering towards the bitter and suspicious. But this is not only harmful (mainly to myself) but also false, in the sense that most people, I really do believe, are only mean because of their own personal hang-ups, and not out of some kind of genuinely malicious wishes for others. That's not a free-for-all to treat others badly, but it is a way of seeing how and why people do these things.

I'm not really sure what I'm basing this all on, except that I know many bitter and suspicious people, and it strikes me as a way not to be. That's not to say that we should accept people treating us badly, but just that it might be helpful to 1) try to understand why they do and then 2) realise that the only control we have is over ourselves, and so try to approach it from that point of view.

Sorry if any of that sounded rude or harsh or blunt; it wasn't meant in that way. I am seriously a little bit worried because you have talked about depression. I don't know how old you are, but it is absolutely VITAL AND CRUCIAL that you don't let this kind of thing take you over. Even if it is just mild, you absolutely must sort it out now. It's the kind of thing that can take over your life, before you realise it, and it has far-reaching consequences that you don't want or need.

HOW DARE YOU! There is no capitalization in my name!

At least you didn't call me shadexii. I had to kill shadexii in a duel before I could have this title.

Apologies for the capitilisation! (Would put a smiley face there but unfortunatley have some kind of horror for such things.)

Am glad to hear you have been duelling - I have long held that it's illegality in the UK is irrational. (Again - imagine smiley face.)