Raised the Old Fashioned Way

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My parents, both undiagnosed Aspergers (my mother has nearly all the traits; my father has most), raised me to be sweet and gentle and at the same time to give people the benefit of the doubt and to love them. On the one hand it's a good thing because I can make deep friendships; on the other it's bad because I don't fit into stereotypes.

Either my niceness is taken for weakness and when people figure out how weird I am they take advantage of me or set me up for mortifying embarrassment/hurt. Women seem to love to talk about me behind my back; I feel I'm under the microscope when I'm connected to any kind of group. On the other hand, there's women and men who automatically think my sweetness is covering a nasty personality and start saying nasty things to me when I'm trying my best to ameliorate a situation. These people scare me. They think they can "see through me" and attribute to me motivations I have never even thought about.

I grew up not being able effectively to verbally protect myself. If I said anything nasty my parents would punish me--with everything from lectures to the belt. It's one reason I feel so uncomfortable if I actually hurt someone. I automatically become fearful that something terrible will happen to me.

As a result of this training I can barely function in public and avoid social situations like the plague. I have met some very good friends and have been told I'm good one-on-one, but holding a job is difficult at best unless it's a position where I'm given lots of time alone.

Was anyone else raised like this?

Does most of this take place in one social setting or one kind of group of people?

Social setting.

If it's one or two people I can get along with them, most of the time. A group really gets to me. At other times, when I'm really tired and in a lively group, I'd overcompensate by trying to shock people and really get myself in trouble.

Some people indiividually make me very nervous or scared. I seem subconsciously to pick up on hostility even though my conscious mind doesn't figure out what or why it is.

I was sort of. BUT I'm male, not Aspie, parents not Aspie. But hardcore Catholic (or any religion) can make you 'unable' to make 'verbal defence'. However when I do open my mouth, a LOT comes out. I was diagnosed ADHD as an adult. You have an advantage in being aware of your neurological status. I presume the people being ugly to you are female. I suggest you recruit a friend to do 'role-playing' re-play of specific situations and dream up things you could have said. Retorts that are not conversation killers but gently push back.

At work I am dealing with a very in-your-face verbally loud and verbose male who I now realise MUST be undiagnosed Aspergers. He will keep saying the same thing, sometimes inconsequential, sometimes trying to push a point of view contrary to mine. I usually let him have his say. The only way to silence him without a fiery exchange is to quietly ask: "Why do you say that ?" I hope for an in-depth discussion but usually get silence.

If you know in your own heart that you do not wish harm to these people, then you could respond. But practise first with a non-Aspie friend.

Hope you get what you deserve

Richard

I'll try that with my therapist, Richard. Thanks.

I really and truly do not wish evil on people. That's not to say that I don't get angry and blow up, but my anger is short-lived and I hold back from doing actual harm, or that's what I've been told by experts. When I'm online here I vent about issues to let off steam. I think people here understand my point of view, though sometimes I see I'm the only one who responds in certain ways and that must be off-putting.

People thilnk that people like me should never get angry, but we do.