An Angry Letter to Autism

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An angry letter to autism

Dear "high functioning" Autism,

I am incredibly angry with you. I sick of your nonstop needs. I am
sick of being stuck inside this haze. Its because of you that I sit in
dark rooms bc your panic attacks make light, noise, and other people a
complete impossibility. Its because of YOU that I have to eat alone
because its impossible to hear others chewing without it scraping
against my f*****g ear drum. It's because of you that I never get what
people mean, can't follow stories, and never get jokes.

Although I cant prove it, I am certain that EVERY SINGLE visit to the
hospital from nonstop puking was related to you and your sh***y immune
system. Every day I wake up to you and your horrible allergies that
give me incredibly sore throats, itchy eyes, aching head. Even before
I get out of f*****g bed in the morning, there you are, making sure I
feel like crap.

Did I say morning? No that would require I go to sleep without tossing
and turning for 4 hours because YOU replay every f*****g audible
conversation from the day in my head like a f*****g boom box stuck on
repeat in my skull.

Every time I trip on nothing, or walk into walls like a f*****g
MORON, I know its because of you.

7th grade, and Freshman year of college, well who could deny that was
all YOU. So thanks for that.

You have managed to alienate me, humiliate me, and demonize me in
front of EVERY SINGLE PERSON I HAVE EVER LOVED. You have turned me
into a indomitable monster, a reckless force of destruction by eroding
every rational bone in my body. By slowly chipping away at my ability
to cope. You BREAK me, again and again like some sick rhythm.

You took language away from me when I was only 2. You replaced me with
some rocking, twitching, silent loner.

You made my parents feel like I never loved them because you hated
being touched. You hated being looked at. You hated affection.

and I can see why. You hate life. You hate scents, you hate sounds,
you hate movement, you hate sensation, you hate people, you hate food,
you hate it ALL. And worst, worst of all, you make me hate those
things. You make people think the monster is me. I wish you'd never
ever come into my life. I wish I could be me without the Constant
erosion.

Ever since I found out this monster is you, that your name is autism,
I have defended you. I have defended you to a fault. I have rallied
for you. Why? Why? Would I ever give you to someone who wasn't me? No.
Would I ever wish this on my worst enemy much less innocent babies
born every second? No. Do I just rally for you because I dont want to
be the only one? Because sickly misery loves company?

I wish I were the last of my breed, I wish this THING died with me. To
think I may one day inadvertently give you to one of my children
sickens me. To know that I can never get rid of you, to know that each
meltdown will NEVER be the last meltdown...ugh. Do you have any idea
how demoralizing that feels?

I am an SLP whomworks with high schoolers with autism. Thank you so much for sharing your incredible writing of what it feels like to you.

Yes, Thank you, Writing letters like this is a very powerful thing. There are so many people with AS that can not own their pain and hide behind difference not disability. Some days there is great anguish, other days gift. To hold the two is when i am most human, most true to myself.

If you find chewing or other mouth or nose sounds excruciating, then you probably have misophonia. While some people on the spectrum (you, me, a few others here) do have this, it is also found in many people with ADHD, OCD, and anxiety disorders and in just plain neurotypicals. Misophonia (a made-up Greek word meaning "hatred of sound") can make your life seriously impaired quite apart from any ASD you may have.

There is little known about misophonia so far. A psychiatric article in 2008 claimed that there were no other psychiatric articles about it at all*. There has been no significant research. There are a couple of Internet forums for people with misophonia, and a few members of those forums are on the spectrum. Likewise, the topic comes up on WrongPlanet every few months, and there are a modest number of people here with the symptoms.

Anyway, misophonia is not so common amongst people on the spectrum, and most people who have it are not on the spectrum themselves. That suggests that it is a distinct co-morbid condition, rather than part of autism. In other words, autism may not the cause of all your problems. At least one of them seems to be a distinct condition.

Here's a guy on YouTube who talks about it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIhoEtlgiyI

* reference

from an AS with anxiety and depression, try antidepressants (they also help with anxiety). you have nothing to lose, except if you live in america with no healthcare... then you have lots of money to lose. worth a shot.

Me again. I'm glad I'm not in your shoes. It must be real bad to be you. But I rekon there must be quite a few people in NT land who wish they could write like you. You write real good.

Hi richardk do I know you? You said "me again"

couldn't have been written better
autism just plain sucks
no amount of positive thinking, pills can help

Sorry, when I said me again I thought I was talking to Knifey. The message is still applicable though.
Regards R