Being lonely, feeling unwanted, not knowing why

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Bookshops are out I'm afraid. They don't have the "Barnes & Noble" sort in this country. And Starbucks is icky. But I did have a thought: I should hang out with more artistic sorts of people. They tend to be odd anyway and couldn't care less if I am. I do have one friend who's an artist and she's very much in the clouds all the time and hangs out with all sorts of different people. On the other hand, as is a common downside to being friends with artists, she's incredibly flaky. She'll make plans and never turn up, or disappear for months, she gets obsessive with her boyfriend and thinks and speaks of nothing else, and when I see her it's sometimes like talking to someone on acid even though she's perfectly sober.

But on the other other hand, I had a great guy friend who was incredibly artistic. He used to be a graffiti artist and now works as a stage builder in a famous theater. He and I really clicked when we first met and he embraced everything odd about me, seeming to come from Mars himself. Definitely NT but just incredibly different from anyone I've ever known. We had great conversations (as well as we could with the language barrier) and I honestly thought for a long time that he and I would end up together... until he announced that he'd met the love of his life, settled down with her, and disappeared from our social group. I still see him every few months, but it's rare that he visits and his girlfriend is pregnant now and they're planning the rest of their lives together. Now it's just sort of awkward to talk to him.

But if I could meet more people like that... Where does one meet really artistic people? And I'm not talking about trendy hipsters or emo poets here. I mean people like my DJ flatmate who spends his spare time composing progressive house music, the graffiti artist/stage crew who told me my silly mediocre comics were brilliant the first time he saw them, the painter obsessed with her boyfriend, all of whom accepted me at first sight with no concern for my differences, all of whom I met by accident or through other friends. But they are so in their own worlds that it's hard to find them even after you've made friends with them - how do I find them on my own?

I'll do my best.



Shoot... Yep, some guys don't understand that just about any basic starting set of clothing can be rearranged. Clothing generally doesn't have to be hookerwear to be cute on a girl. Don't let that worry you; you may have another guy friend with a more comprehensive sense of taste in women's clothes. You seem to be onto something for your clothes, so keep at it.



I'm guessing you've tried thrift stores in your country; I seem to recall you mentioning you've moved away from your home country so it's well possible that second hand stores aren't to be found where you are.



^ You absolutely do not have to start now, especially in light of below...



This may sound ... very strange, esp. coming from a guy, but: do you know what your facial expression is when you are just walking around in town and not paying attention to it? It took a while to realize that when my own face is in neutral, I probably actually look pretty imposing, more so than I intend to, and actually *counter* to my standing goal on the street of just blending in and disappearing into the crowd. I didn't realize that my natural facial expression gives off "disdain." I do better if I consciously try to tip the corners of my mouth up just a little bit. Strangers on the street I brush past don't seem quite so nervous.

Only problem is that this may attract more attention than you want. But so might makeup.



These last two may cause you the most hassle. Despite the details you've already provided, these two issues are way more complex than clothing and makeup and it's difficult to provide advice on these.



From your descriptions, this sounds a lot like what I deal with for myself. You're paying attention to this aspect of yourself and working on it, which is a great deal more than is to be said for many other people who are content to be jerks, or otherwise oblivious to that part of themselves. I'm considering following Kirsten's advice and picking up a book on facial expressions. As for being overly sarcastic or dark in conversations... It's hard sometimes to determine people's borders for these things, because it's different for each person.

For all the difficulty in this learning process, it's still a process, and it's still obviously important for you. Stick with it.

Last edited by AngelKnight on 22 Aug 2011, 1:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thanks a lot for the detailed response. I really appreciate it.

Regarding my facial expression, I've been told that I often look sad or scared (and I usually am when there's crowds of people around). This is when I'm just out walking around, not talking to anyone (certainly not when I'm trying to impress anyone). On the other hand, in this country it's standard to walk around with a blank or slightly unhappy-looking face. It's considered a very odd thing indeed to smile at a stranger or look happy for no reason. So I hope that's not my problem. I do my best to look friendly and happy when I'm actively engaging with other people.

As for buying clothes, yeah, there's a definite lack of thrift stores in this country. They have places called "second hand" stores, but actually they're just full of clothing so out of date that they couldn't sell it in the UK, so they send it here. And it's not even much cheaper than clothes from a regular store. I do find deals now and then, but I'm really just flat broke right now. I might be able to afford to grab an article of clothing every now and then, but more than one or two per month would cause a real problem, even including sales and clearance items. And I need to buy some running shoes soon as well so I can try to get into shape, and those won't be cheap either. I've also been dying to buy a scanner for ages, but I can't scrape the money together...

A friend I was talking to last night told me that the point everyone was trying to make with the mascara is that I need to call more attention to my eyes. I pointed out that more attention on my eyes is the LAST thing I want - it's miserably uncomfortable enough as it is just forcing myself to make eye contact with the people around me. How on earth could anyone expect me to be confident and flirty and all those things if guys are trying to look at my eyes all the time? To which he responded, maybe that's my basic problem - maybe I just don't make enough eye contact.

It's this constant balance between my comfort level and what's expected of me to allow me to have a normal life with normal relationships. The more uncomfortable I am, the more comfortable others are around me. But how do I balance that...

Look to your interests. Or look around you.

I go to the weekly Anthropology Club meetings at my college. I haven't had the nerve to talk to anyone yet, but the people are definitely intelligent and somewhat strange, and they are accepting of people who are different.

Yeah I think I have a gift certificate I can use there, lol.




This is very true. The hassle probably is sorting through the people who share interests and also share character and decency. Friends are also a lot harder in this regard. Perspective romantic interests can occassionally fake a nice guy/girl routine for a bit till they get what they want and any "insanity" or abusive behavior in between can be seen as a fluke.

Last edited by Greatsharkbite on 24 Aug 2011, 4:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I've started looking around for connections to the art community (music, visual art, graffiti, photography, theater, whatever) since almost all of my good friends have always come from this direction. Right now it's mostly the underground/electronic music community that I'm connected to, but that also brings a lot of problems due to a lot of drug/alcohol abuse and complicated relationships (one friend described the Prague DJ community is "rather inbred"). I'm trying to branch out. I've responded to one inquiry on the local expats web site looking for artists to link up with, and also posted one of my own. So far no response, but at least I'm trying to take positive steps.

An interesting thought regarding this "negativity" occurred to me yesterday during a conversation with one friend. My long-term memory is famously bad and I have trouble recalling many aspects of my life further than a couple of years ago unless I really try. I was thinking it over really hard and I realized that I was not generally accused of being negative or complaining a lot until I moved to Europe. In fact, I was always told by family and friends and even therapists that I was very funny. They all said I had a great sense of timing and a way of presenting my problems as self-deprecating humor. I'm also very good at imitating people, and my mother used to invite friends over when I was very young and have me perform bits of Monty Python scripts or famous stand-up comedy routines, or tell stories about my family members, and everyone always found them wildly entertaining. On many occasions I was told I should become a stand-up comedian.

Since moving to Prague, however, I get a very different reaction. I'm always surprised when people tell me I'm being negative and complaining too much, because I (almost) never intend to complain. I think I'm sharing amusing stories or telling jokes, but people take me literally and find me very negative. And after one negative reaction from someone, I quickly retreat into a bad mood and hurt feelings and start feeling negative after all.

My Czech flatmate told me a while ago that he noticed that almost all of my posts on Facebook are complaining about something. I was confused and looked through what I'd written. There were one or two complaints, but most of what I had written was either blatantly sarcastic or a joke, and all of the people who knew me before I came to Prague had responded appropriately. Yet he seemed to take it all literally, and he's not the only one. My sarcasm is generally pretty obvious, owing to my general inability to detect it if it's too subtle.

What I'm not sure of is whether I've changed or whether the people here are just different. The friend I was talking to is English and he says he believes that Czechs and Brits have a very different sense of humor than Americans. On the other hand, he and I enjoy all the same stand-up comedians, American and English alike. Has my ability to entertain diminished over time or been squashed by too many negative reactions and experiences? My life has certainly changed a great deal since I left the US and my personality tends to reflect that, I think. Is it a change in me or simply cultural differences, and either way, is there anything I can do about this?

I miss being able to make people laugh. It was a critical part of my self-esteem. I still express my humor in comics and in written form online, but I do that less and less because I get almost no feedback anymore. If it's not funny, there's not much point in doing it as far as I'm concerned.

Humor, and general reactions, are just tough when you move locations. I'm in Dublin having moved from the east coast of the US, and there's still stuff I don't get about this place and the people. So it's still in my best interest to turn down my New Yorker-ness and just observe.

I get the feeling I'll be doing this for a while.

As for how one expresses oneself and how those in a foreign nation understand those expressions.... Well, a story: An American woman transfers from America to Japan for work. The usual minor complaints about work are sort-of a way of life for office work in midwestern America. But when she goes to Japan and mentions them in passing, what she finds is that her Japanese coworkers do the damnedest things: they try to *fix* those minor complaints on their own, often going to extraordinary effort. The American woman will, say, have a small complaint about how the fax paper was arranged, and the Japanese office staff will tear open the packages for her for loading into the fax machine. Then, in surprise, the American woman will remark that this seems an odd thing for other people to do for her, and promptly the Japanese OLs stop doing this. This sort of thing keeps happening until the American woman is deemed impossible to work with, and it gets so bad this woman ends up transferring back home early.

Yeah... I plan to stay here permanently, so I guess I either have to find a way to express my humor in a way that doesn't involve verbal jokes and sarcasm (unlikely), or learn Czech well enough to do it in their language (less unlikely, but man is that gonna take some time).

I have plenty of friends who speak fluent English (probably why my Czech isn't better than it is), but they definitely don't seem to find the same things funny as I do. Even the native speakers are often unamused, but maybe that's because spending too much time around Czech people has made me overly cynical. They are a pretty cynical bunch on the whole, I find. If you ask a Czech person about their humor, they say it is "mostly sarcasm." However, they are unable to recognize sarcasm in English and they speak their own language with a sort of monotone. When I try to joke around with my flatmate he always takes me literally and gets angry at what I say despite the heavy sarcasm in my voice. I think maybe they don't understand properly the English meaning of the word "sarcasm." And I have no idea what they mean by it in Czech.

Gotta study study study that language. It's a bastard of a language to learn though. Meanwhile maybe I should focus more on writing funny stories and comics and finding English speakers to read them for now. But it would help me out a lot psychologically if I could find a way to get my flatmate to laugh.

Kotshka, I have been reading this thread and completely understand what you are saying as beside a few minor differences your situation is almost identical to my own.
Your statement regarding how people in your new country find you negative, I think this has more to do with a cultural difference. I currently live in Australia but was born in Europe and every time I go back to visit family in Europe I notice the vast difference in cultures. It has taken most of my life just to get a understanding of the social norms in Australia and how to blend in as best I can. However when I go to Europe I basically have to start from scratch. I think this is the problem you may be facing aswell.

One of the hardest things for me was the European custom of greeting family and friends of the opposite sex with a kiss on both cheeks (left, right, left) its not a custom here in Australia. Also one of my little AS quirks is that I am uncomfortable being in someones else personal space and in close physical contact with them.
This makes people think that I am being stand offish and rude.

As for looking people in the eyes you may find it easier to look at their nose or the spot between their eyes, to them it will look like you are looking them in the eyes. From there you can make the step to their eyes its how I taught myself to look people in the eyes.


I apologize if my post seems disjointed, the written media is not a form of communication I am comfortable with as I feel i can not get my point across in the way I want and it frustrates me no end.

I'm no expert, but have you tried the whole online dating thing? I clicked on that red bar to the left that says, "Aspie Affection"
and it's FOR Aspies. I don't know, I'm a bit lost on relationships myself. Best of luck, and hang in there!