When you feel so alone

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that you just wish you were not here anymore, it is really hard to fight.
My family has next to no contact with me. When I do talk to my father, he usually criticises me or asks me what I am doing with my life
My mother has barely had contact since May, and said it is because I sound formal when I text her? What sort of reason is that to not text your daughter for a month + at a time?
I feel totally alone. I do not have friends. I do not even have friends online anymore, and lost trust in anyone on the netz caring about others anyway. I honestly don't think it happens.
How do other people manage to survive so well and to not care at all about the lack of love in their lives?

Oh. I'm so sorry, That is tough. It sounds like you need to build a network of friends that act as your family. Which is a challenge in itself. While still trying to connect with your mom. I don't live near you but write to me anytime. I wonder if there are any close-knit groups you could join that would provide a familial atmosphere and mutual caring.

I don't know the answer, I am replying because I am in the same situation, so, hi, you're not alone. Sometimes I just don't care about being alone and sometimes it is extremely difficult. There should be an emoticon for sending a virtual helping, friendly gesture. Anyway, I send a smile from the way-too-hot desert in U.S.

Often because they have had love in their lives in the past and learned the hard way that no matter how miserable you think you are, that unhappiness can be increased a thousandfold by interaction with another person. There are many things in life worse than being alone.

I'm sorry you feel so alone. I know how that is.

Most of the time, I am too busy doing other things to notice. Just trying to get by in this world sucks up a lot of my time and energy. I have a job. (It is not a great job, it is only part-time, and it is on the night shift, but it is about all that I cope with.) On top of that are all the other mundane aspects of life (e.g. I spent a couple of hours on Saturday night ironing clothes). I try to spend the rest of my time working on my special interest (although, sadly, I even procrastinate on that ).

When I was younger, I used to make an effort to interact with other people, make friends, date, etc., but I never really felt any sense of connection. I used to be one of those "active but odd" types, but by the time I had hit 30, I had run out of energy and things to say. Now I am quiet and unsociable.

I still have some residual desire to interact with the other humans, but I find that I have very little in common with most people, and the outside world just depresses me. I usually do not venture out unless I have to (e.g. to go to work, buy groceries, etc.). The rest of the time I stay indoors with the curtains drawn. I guess one could say that I live in my own little world. I have plenty of things to do to keep myself occupied while I wait for death. Mostly, I just feel tired and overwhelmed. C'est la vie

Eh, I think I need to totally switch off the emotion parts of myself, disable them, and become totally engrossed in my books and films and my cycling and just totally blank out the human race. How ironic to find oneself most happy alone, yet also most unhappy alone. It seems like a no win situation, to enjoy having my own time to do all my stuff, yet to crave companionship so acutely at times that it becomes painful.
I expect there to be physical evidence of caring, the same as I tend to expect physical evidence for the existence of other things.
To me, emotions have to be visible in another, for me to believe that they exist, if that makes sense.
Not sure if that is an empathy thing, or a theory of mind thing...

I should have noted that my current state of affairs are not something I slipped into overnight. Up until about my mid- to late-twenties, I would purse friendships and romantic relationships. Unfortunately, these were lacking at best, and unsuccessful at worst. During this time, I lived in several different places and met a lot of different people, but the results were more or less the same. So gradually, I stopped trying to be social, stopped pursuing new relationships, and let old ones wither away. Simultaneously, I began filling my time with other things, especially work.

These days, I lead a relatively simple life, because that is all that I can handle. Like a lot of people on the spectrum, I rely heavily on habit and routine to get by. Maybe it is my poor executive functioning, but I am not sure how to fit someone else into my life.

If, when I was a teenager, someone had told me what my life would be like now (i.e. without any friends, romantic or otherwise), I would not have believed them. But now I am more or less used to it, and besides, life seldom goes according to plan.

I am veering towards that myself, Logan, but it is not what I wanted in life.
Like a lot of females, I seem to have some silly inbuilt desire to have a companion, especially now I am in my mid 30s, and there is a sense of time running out.
Each relationship, seems to bring more trouble than good, after time, moreso since I seem to end up with others with AS or autism, the current involving the most awful communication issues, leading to more sense of isolation an hopelessness.

I am swinging back into escaping into my internet games, and simply ignoring my friend when he comes round, for lack of knowing anything else to do, what to say, how to break the silence we have fallen into.

Sometimes I actually feel a great sense of relief when I grab an entire day to myself, which is a contrast to how I felt some weeks ago.

The problem being that those I spend time with, change what they do when they are with me, which changes what I do, it breaks what I am used to, breaks the routine, and makes me very agitated and angry.
If I get used to eating at the same time as someone every evening and suddenly they stop eating with me, I experience this sense of anger, and frustration, confusion, and end up not eating myself.
I like things to stay the same. I like to know what is coming, and if I am ever to have anyone in my life, they need to be able to be better at communicating than I am so things don't fall into silence and detachment.

I fail to understand why I find it so cripplingly difficult with some people, to break silences, to speak what is in my mind, to express myself, but the more it happens, the more depressed I feel and the more like giving up, because I dont thrive on total isolation, unfortunately.