Had my biggest meltdown ever, even Police was called

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Okay, I have to share this, because I think I have to check myself into closed psychiatric ward. There is exactly one person in this universe that can cause me to have a meltdown, and that is my mother. Today, it was the worst I've ever had, and to be frank, I am glad I did not turn violent against her. She is an alcoholic (oh, and an elementary school teacher, by the way. Cool, huh?), and she was getting drunk today since midday, drinking at least two 1L bottles of wine within a few hours. I wanted to prepare a salad for a birthday party, and told her I was going to do it later, she started preparing it, did it all wrong, I freaked out and called the host and said I would not be coming, because I was royally pissed. I was sure not to go, but after two hourse, I thought I'd go and try to save the salad and prepare a new one out of the ingriedients I did not throw into the garbage. Guess what, she started AGAIN and ruined it AGAIN. I could not help myself, I just went completely bananas and wrecked half our apartment. I was screaming like all hell, stomping my feet... I guess, my memory about it is actually quite faint, since I just... I don't know, I can't really grasp what I did, or if I did it at all, but it must have been very bad. I threw all the ingredients on the kitchen floor, broke all the bowls and jars with the ingredients in them, my rampage apparently continued in our guest's bathroom, where I wrecked the door with a single punch, I shattered the glass on our clock in the living room, and split our living room table in half with a kick, at least that's what my drunkard mother told me. One of our neighbours apparently called the police, who almost kicked the door in and assaulted me, while I was slowly coming down and realized what happened. It was a nightmare, the officers screaming and yelling at me, and I barely realized what happened or what I had done, or why they were yelling at me. Don't remember what happened then, I just phased out and told them I was autistic, which did not stop them to keep yelling at me. Don't even know why I am writing all this, it's just... I hate myself so much right now, I hate my mother (and allthough I have no idea how, I will be moving out be the end of next months, that's for sure), and I am scared, confused, you name it. Mainly scared. The fact that I was apparently able to tear down solid, massive wooden doors and a table with a single strike from my bare hands, I am just shocked. I always thought I was not violent. I always thought it would never happen to me. What if it somehow happens again and I turn on another human being when in such a rage? I don't try to defend myself, or justify what I did, it was wrong, no matter what this horrible person that my mother is did, there is no justification for it. It's just, I truly had no control over it, I had this irresistable impulse to start wrecking things, and once I got started, I just snapped and did not realize what I was doing. Couldn't even say in what order I did it, it is indeed just a blur in my mind, and it drives me insane. I can't even go to sleep, even though I am tired as all hell, I just can't, I am worked up and still think I should go and check into psychiatric ward. I can now truly say that there is a side on me that I hate like I've never hated anything before, and cannot figure out how I could ever go on living with the knowledge that I can turn into a rampaging lunatic that smashes doors with his fists.

I am in the exact, and I mean exact situation. I have been melting down everyday. Even the slightest thing my drunkard mother says turns me into a wild animal and I can only scream or retreat into a childlike state. The thing is I know that 99% you will not hurt anyone but yourself and only via your mechanism of venting the stress. I have broken rear view mirrors, doors, phones, you name it. My meltdowns because of my ex were horrible also. She tortured me DURING my meltdowns and it was as if the cops busted in on me and started screaming at me. I had the cops called on me before too and at least they were nice and I told them that I had asd. So sorry they treated you like that, there is a lot of ignorance in the world. You say you get to move out in a while? Do not go the hospital route. They will treat you like a maniac and pump you full of drugs you do not need and will only make you worse. Imagine having no control in a place where people can restrain you? You do not want that. You won't hurt anyone. Next time just get away as fast as you can and vent where you're safe. PM me if you need more advice since your situation resembles mine. Maybe we can help each other.

OMG - that's awful

Please hang in there, the worst is probably over and please don't beat yourself up too much, it doesn't help the situation.

Good luck, and please keep us posted about your well-being...

Wow, I suggest finding a psychiatrist or therapist fast. You really need help learning how to deal with her and help managing your meltdowns. Chances are someone like that won't be COMPLETELY out of your life just because you move.

I hope that you will be able to find the peace within yourself to not beat yourself up over this. However, you should find a therapist so you can work through these meltdowns. Just because you may move away from your mother does not mean that your meltdowns will cease to exist. Then, it probably is a good thing just to find a therapist anyway - so you can work out your frustrations in regards to your mother with a third party.

I agree you shouldn't beat yourself up, but therapy can help in managing stress in ohter ways so that you don't melt down as frequently or as extremely. I used to have pretty bad meltdowns, broke my finger, put my fist through a glass shower door when I was a kid, but now I manage them better. I've had a lot of therapy, the majority of which did no good because no one addressed the AS (it wasn't even a diagnosis when I was a kid). Lately, though, I've been doing better. (BTW is there any way you can get away from your mother? It sounds like she really sets things off for you).

~Kate

I am really sorry to read that. Some people can push our buttons like no others. (((((((((hugs))))))))

Thanks for all your sympathy, it has been quite a rough night for me with barely any sleep, and I am still very worked up about the incident. Thing is, my mother just does not want any help, and I just can't stand seeing her ruining herself with her relentless alcholism anymore, and I don't want to have something to do with her anymore, ever again. I scheduled a meeting with my psychiatrist for next week, and see how things go from there. After talking to a support center for relatives of alcoholics, they urged me to contact the principal of her school and talk to him immediately, since he should know about it and he may be able to help issue a medical and psychiatrical exam for her, essentially forcing her to admit her problem. This is nothing I would have done just out of my own initiative, but then again, they told me how I would feel if I knew my kids were educated by an alcholic, go on school trips with someone who can change into an irrational, irresponsible person any moment, and I have to admit, I have never thought about that. I will go check out some appartments and contact my social services department right away on monday, and I hope I'll be able to move out by the end of the month. I am scared about living on my own, fearing that I will not be able to take care of everything, but everything is better than it is at the moment, because I just can't take it anymore.