It's hopeless...

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That about sums it up.......and no there is no one who can help me at all. I mean when I feel like people are getting annoyed with hearing about my problems they usually are. I have a hard time taking any advice because I feel so useless I get caught in the mindset of thinking I can't really do anything. So of course that frusterates family and friends so eventually they just stop trying to help and wont even ask how I am doing because well lets face it they don't want to know.

I don't know if I should even bother with talking to the disability office at the college or even pursueing a diagnoses....what's the point my sanity is already on a downward spiral so I'll be diagnosed whether I want to or not soon enough probably, not to mention I am afraid of mentioning anything that does not specifically pertain to my personal depression or other problems...I mean yeah its going to look really good when I start talking about how this is a sick society and I feel like life within it is meaningless. I mean lets face it I can't fake it anymore, I have ran out of energy to put all that effort into putting on a freaking act around family and on campus in class that I am fine...when that is so far from the truth.

So yeah I don't know what to do.....for today I'll go to class, come home and try and start on my psychology paper I'm supposed to write and have not been able to start on yet. And maybe I will call the disability office and make an appointment if I cannot make myself walk in there because then I would be obligated to go...but who knows.

I swear if I did not have one close friend, the ability to listen to music, and some cannabis to get me through the days. I would probably have already ended it, I mean it would be easier on everyone else if i were not here and less painful for me. And regrettabley I feel like that friendship is becoming less than what it was.....I am afraid to say I feel that way though because that might just speed up the process of me finding out my suspicions are correct.

I should not expect anyone here to know what I should do.

If they don't care, despite knowing full well what is happening, or get annoyed, they're not the right people to look for in terms of support. That's all it says - nothing about you, just about their nature.

(Although, saying that, I don't believe in people willing to help others without a hidden motive... despite being one. Just about everyone else seems to help you when it can help them in some way in the longer run, or so it seems)


Been through that before: the disability office should be committed to help. If they don't, you can sue them for encouraging (= knowing but not doing anything about) pain/hurt/harm/whateveryouwanttocallit. So, trust me on that, they will help, because they know that, but also because they might be good-natured!

Don't get me wrong, I know your pain. I've been through roughly similar at school, with two notable differences: the school wasn't abiding by any "moral conduct" code or anything like that (so I couldn't get them at their own game when they decided to let me rot in a corner and let me get insulted by other people on a daily basis in lessons and not even move a finger to stop that), and the only friend I had betrayed me the moment I wasn't "useful" anymore. However, I think you're focusing a bit too much on the negative (nothing wrong with that, by the way. You're studying psychology, so you should know what causes that); surely there are nice moments in your life from time to time, as rare as they may be. Hold on to one, and remember it - it'll help you go through the rest of that dark tunnel that people call life. Also, remember, it's through trouble that you know who your real friends are, amongst other things.

I can't sue them for not helping if I don't even build up enough confidence to walk into the disability office. Or even if I did I can't sue them......I could not handle all the stress associated with trying to do something like that. And all the good moments are only half as good as they should be because of everything going on within. I can't get all the negative thoughts and feelings out of my head. I guess i have to talk to my one friend and see if I am right to be worried that the friendship is becoming less....the worst that could happen is its true and then I pretty much have no one except family and they tend to make me feel worse even if its not intentional.

Indeed. But you're 100% certain that, if you step in, you'll know one way or another.

Personal anecdote time! It took three weeks of me not turning up to lectures/tutorials/seminars and not answering anything (email+phone) for the secretary of the department to notice and actually physically come and ask what's up. I was a complete mess then, and they ended up wanting to see me immediately about what happened. I was a complete sobbing mess during most of the meeting, but in the end, despite me not even wanting to be there at the time, it turned out for the best.

Morale of the personal anecdote: if you're going to talk about your problems to someone qualified to do anything about it, don't worry about self-confidence - it's not required. Especially not if your survival depends on it.


That's perfectly understandable. Also, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it seems as though major depression episodes leave a few scars.


I had that as well, and my answer to that was to (stupidly) slam the door and leave the family and never come back...until 4 years later where everything got so unbearable.

I've already suggested that before (because it works!), you might want to try to find a hobby or anything that can help you convert all the thoughts of "this life sucks" and similar into something positive. Some people like art, others music, for example. Just find what you like, and delve in it whenever you're not feeling okay, to take your mind off things.

Well its gotten so bad I don't know that I could find a hobby......I also have PTSD and I feel I am getting hit pretty hard with the depression like symptoms that come with that luckily I'm not having horrid nightmares over it at night otherwise I would get no sleep but I do on occasion get hit with the unwanted memories...for someone who already had depression before having PTSD it does not help matters.

But yeah I gotta go to class for now, but I feel a little better just having gotten it out.

Uhh I wish I had just stayed home today...

Something happen?

Yeah I got sick over the weekend with a cold or something that I still have(but will probably be gone tommorow).....on top of being really depressed and overstressed for the past couple of weeks so it was not a good day to begin with. But I made it through class feeling ok but things sounded kinda weird and it was hard to focus so I attributed that to just not feeling well and the drowsiness caused by the benydril I took so I would not have to blow my nose every five minutes in class.

But then after class I started feeling an anxiety attack coming on so that sort of ruined my plans to try and force myself to go into the disability office at the college......yeah I figured being in the midst of an anxiety attack was not a very good state to be in to try and explain my situation and ask about if they know of any way to pursue a diagnoses that I can afford without coming off as completely unstable and in need of immediate psychological treatment. It was hard enough just to make it to the bus without jumping at every sudden noise no matter how quiet it was.

Just not a good day, at all.

Sorry to hear that, i've had (and still have) similar experiences with anxiety attacks where they can get in the way of something important.

Maybe it will be possible for you to work up the courage gradually, there's no reason to be embarrassed. Calling the disability office might be a good idea. Forcing your hand doesn't make it easier, but it can make you get things done that for your sake--need to be done.

I really don't even know how much that will help, Im just pretty sure you're supposed to talk to them if your problems are interfering with college.......and am just hoping they know of where I could maybe go for a psychological assesment that I can afford. But yeah I should not be embarrased about it, but its still difficult because I feel like I shouldn't need to I guess.......I don't really know.

you need to stop blaming yourself and go do something maybe exercise. sometimes if you just run out the door and keep running until you can't go any longer it makes you feel like you are escaping reality you are trapped in. it also gets you endorphins. sounds weird, just try it though.

I get quite a bit of excercise since I don't drive...and it can make me feel a little better, but yeah I have been dealing with depression for most of my life without proper treatment and being I am now 22 I feel it is a little to late to totally reverse it especially considering the other issues I have as well. But I feel like it is in my best intrest to have that documented instead of just claiming undiagnosed depression for instance.

Well I am off to bed, cause I could use some sleep........maybe I'll get lucky and not wake up.

Hey Sweetleaf - did you wake up? How are you doing today?

Well of course I did.....and today was not as bad as in I was not extremely depressed for the entire day, and I did manage to scedule an appointment at the disability office. But things got quite unusual for a while I basically felt really numb and like I was not all here you could say and I felt kind of like I was tripping on some psychedelic type substance.....and colors did seem a bit brighter(not as much as they would be if I was actually tripping). So yeah not sure what was up with that maybe it was some sort of anxiety attack, though I felt numb and detatched not very anxious. I did however have to keep reminding myself whatever it was it was going on in my mind.......and that I was still on campus and in public so to be careful not to do anything that would draw attention.

Sounds like today was a little weird and unsettling but not as bad as yesterday. Well done on scheduling an appointment.