How long does anger last after relief has come & gone ra

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This is a rant. If you are the type to get depressed or super-duper sensitive SKIP this post now. I am a newly self-diagnosed and I am hurting so bad. I am just venting.

I just figured out in the last two weeks that my two kids are aspies, I'm a aspie and my husband probably has a touch of aspie. At first I thought, oh that explains why all that stuff kept happening to me, around me, over me....

I feel like a freak and I should have never reproduced. All that time I was an aspie freakozoid with my strange hair and screwed up eyes (I see that a number of aspie's have this unusual face). There is nothing I can do to help my kids or myself. There is no magic pill or cream. Just bad genes gone so wrong.

Maybe I was better off being frustrated and ignorant. I always thought I might find the perfect job where people didn't get under my skin. At least two weeks ago, I had hope. I hoped my kids would do better than me. But no. No Grandchildren for me. The aspie gene needs to stop with my kids.

How cruel to be intelligent and know that the world thinks that you look funny and that you are funny. It can make me insane. This feeling is like being trapped in a casket underground and nailed shut.

Silly me. Working 3x as hard as everybody thinking the effort could make up for my sociability. Now I know. Either people pitied the freak girl or they were filled with disdain. Now I know that all of my boyfriends were aspies.

There should be these pods that they seal people like me in so that I don't infect the NT (normal types). We are mind lepers.

I am so devastated. I can't look at my kids. There is no money for me to make their path easier. Why? Because I screw up every fantastic opportunity I get with my horrible thoughts that I can't control. I try being quiet - never works. I try being opiniated - "shut up" they say. I bet we could not even live with each other we are so messed up. We are insanity walking.

Sorry, I am just hurt beyond anything I've ever experienced. If I could beat up me I would. Please don't take offense. Please don't take this sickness in your heart. You are meant to be.

There was a post sometime ago on this site, maybe more than one, that asked if those of us with AS would take a "cure" to become NT if one were available. A great many responded that they would not want to change and lose their aspieness. I am definitely among that group. Yes, life has been hard for me socially and otherwise, especially depression, but I have survived. I lost track of how many times I wished that I was as ignorant and stupid as most of the population, but I view my AS traits as a gift for the abilities that they give me; the ability to focus and to engage in problem solving from vastly different and creative viewpoints than those of my coworkers. (I was an engineer.) Rather than focusing in the negative aspects of your AS, consider the positive side of it and for those traits that are issues, such as sociability, try to learn how to pretend to be an NT in those situations. There are classes and books available to help you learn some of this. BTW take a look at some of the lists of famous and successful people who had AS. You might find it encouraging. We are most certainly different from the mainstream of the human population, but that's not necessarily bad. Hey, it was probably an aspie who first made fire!

As for children, I would recommend home schooling and then public school only as a last and desperate alternative. BTW I chose not to have children, but for reasons that have nothing to do with my AS. Remember that children are what they are and at their young age its impossible to guess what they might become, so please don't be too quick to judge them or to feel that you have somehow "inflicted" AS upon them. Give them 20-30 years or so and then see what happens.

Responding to the question in your heading; I have worked with my anger and depression for decades and have gradually experienced much relief. I know this:

Only with accepance can we let go of anger. Awareness must preceed acceptance. Plum, you are now aware.

Thanks Wolf and Mountain. I appreciate your kindness. And they say Aspies cannot understand what other people feel.

I feel that a gigantic trick has been played on me at 43 years of age. I just had this picture in my mind of a Thanksgiving dinner with my children and grandchildren in 20 years.

I just thought God had already gotten me good (and I'm not even religious). I thought the rejection all these years was enough....