Lonely and Stuck in a Catch-22

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This is going to go on for a while, so be patient. I haven't posted much, but I have to say something that requires a lot of context.

1) My father has had numerous affairs. He and my mother are trying to work things out.
2) A cousin I was close to shot himself back in March this last year.
3) The first time I have ever really been in a relationship with a girl happened within the last year.

More on #3. Let's call her "Ellie." I met Ellie at a Halloween party in October 2010. This was before I had a diagnosis and knew why I had so much anxiety about going to that party in the first place. I really had to force myself to go to this because I wanted to meet people. I was leaving the party to go home at the end of the night when she came up to me and asked me for my cell number. I gave it to her, and I drove home wondering why she asked me for it. I did not understand what was going on.

I did not see her again until New Year's Eve 2010. She invited me to a New Year's Party at her friend's apartment. When I got there, she was very drunk. She kissed me at midnight, which was the first time that had ever happened to me. She was so drunk that I had to drive her home. We were dating then (I guess) for the next three weeks. At the start of it, I told her that I suspected I might be on the autistic spectrum. I explained to her what that was and how I do not read non-verbal cues well. And it was fun. I liked her, she was beautiful, we played video games and watched movies together. I really had not been that happy in years.

Then she said that she missed her ex and that she wanted to try and work things out with him again. I was so messed up from that that I almost drank myself into being broke. But because I wanted to know why I was bad at reading her, I actually pursued a formal Asperger's diagnosis.

Later, in May 2011, Ellie contacted me. She had split from her boyfriend again in April, because he cheated on her. I wanted to help her, so I let her back in. We were dating again for a month. At the beginning of July, she said she did not want to see me again. Two weeks after that, she contacts me and acts as if everything is completely fine between us. She does not contact me again until September 2011, and asks why we were not friends on Facebook anymore. I did not remove her from my contacts. Anyway, she added me (for the 4th time) in mid September. I just checked my account and she has removed me from her friends.

I just don't get it. What is my flaw? What did I do wrong? I was not abusive. I was sincere. If she asked a question, I gave an honest answer. When I asked her about the scars on her wrist (she used to cut), I told her not to be ashamed. I just wanted to help her feel better about who she was. I drove her home while she puked in the passenger seat, and showed up to the airport with her favorite flowers when she got home from Las Vegas.

Anyway, I am so much worse off from having gone to that party where I met Ellie. My NT roommate is always inviting me out to things like that, but I just cannot go out. I fear letting in someone like Ellie again. I am sick of being right to expect disappointment. So I wall myself off. But then I am stuck in a cycle where I feel detached because I do not interact with people, but when I do interact with people I end up detaching myself more because they just end up hurting me.

I have not chosen to be a cynic so much as it has been thrust upon me. I do not understand these relationships. Isn’t the whole idea of romantic love that you do not have to hide who you are? That you do not have to change, because your partner just understands and accepts? That’s what I was told. But being who I am leaves me lonely. That suggests a flaw. I am alone because I am not likeable. Something. Something is amiss. I retreat further and further away from actually interacting with people. I cannot be sincere with people because they just reject what I know or they pretend to listen until I finish. Once I'm done, they go away.

Talking to my family and few close friends about my short relationship with Ellie just makes it worse. My adulterous father even said shortly after the second breakup in July, "I know you're in pain, but one day you'll find the right one and you'll never look back and all will be right." I wanted to scream at him and throw that nonsense back in his face. He cheated on someone with whom he made a supposedly sacred promise, and one of the conditions of that promise was monogamy. What he said cannot be true if he cheated. I feel my cousin could understand a little bit, and even if he couldn't, he could make me laugh with his absurd humor. Now, he's dead.

My best friend (who's also my roommate) and I argue a lot. He claims that people get exactly what they deserve and that choice is all that is needed to instigate change in the world. But I know that people just get what they get, it has nothing to do with what they deserve. And choice is not enough. The right conditions are needed. I cannot simply choose to spontaneously turn the color of my skin light blue.

I do not know what I seek to accomplish in writing this. My Asperger's counselor has heard my writing and said that I communicate well, so she advised I use written words to try and find people who understand. I guess I will ask just a few things:

1) Do not reply with something like "there's more fish in the sea" (I hate idioms like that-especially when I do not believe them).

2) Unless you think you can say something that I have not heard and is so extraordinarily profound that simply hearing it will change my life, do not try and give advice. (Don't say something like "Jesus is there for you." I don't believe anymore. A benevolent and omnipotent god would never give people free will - it enables us to be calculating and deadly beasts)

3) Do not try and refute what I have experienced. This is what I know. And if you were me, you would see things the same way, too.

4) Be sincere. Do not tell me lies just for the sake of comforting me.

All the best.

-The Tomb

I was going to reply here but I don't think any relationship advice is 'extraordinarily profound'; its all just opinions and life experience.

Who wants to go to the effort of writing a thought out response only for it to be shot down as not being 'life changing' enough...?

Concerning this girl, I think there's nothing wrong with you - it's more about her. She seems to have some issues, maybe closeness-distance issues, maybe she only can attach ambivalently... maybe this or maybe that...
there are plenty of reasons why she acts the way she does but that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. You seem an understanding young man and she comes and goes - I just know it's hard to keep an emotional distance in this case.

Concerning your father... the intensity and kind of love changes through a long marriage. Sexual attraction is less important the longer you are together with someone and often gets replaced by other things like having someone realiable in your life, someone you trust and who really cares.
Often many men suffer from the 'Madonna-whore-complex' without even knowing it; maybe that's the problem. We females tend to meassure the intensity of men's love on the depth how much they desire us sexually but the sexual love is the lowest form of 'love' - if you even can call this love then there's not much more except sex between two people. So there are many ways to love someone...

I just hope you can distinguish between the relationship between your parents and their relationship to you as their son to gain some emotional distance to that. I can understand when you feel hurt for your mother but then... when do you really break this sacred promise - everyone has a different opinion on that, especially when we don't forget that sex is more an instinct and need than real love. Even seperated and divorced people cling on each other, not sexually but psychologically and emotionally - aren't they still true at heart to each other when it's mutual?
Well, what is love... who can put something in words - knowing you can't explain it, you only can feel that.

I'm sorry about the loss of your cousin and I think there just happened too much at once in your life but I hope you can sort it out by time.

I see that separated and divorced couples still often have an attachment, but is it for the right reasons? If one is going to take action, one should do it for the right reasons. Practice and principle must overlap. Do my parents want to work it out because my mother does not want the blame for pushing my father away? Because my father will be alienated from his conservative family? Is my mother staying with him because she believes that his side of the family will blame and defame her if she tried to divorce him and break up the family?

Something to add: my mother's a passive-aggressive alcoholic. One of my first memories is visiting her in Residence XII (alcohol/drug dependency treatment for women). My father made an awful choice in cheating, but he would probably have been less inclined to cheat if he felt he could have actually spoken to my mother. Instead, she just would drink, yell and get irrational. I have never heard my mother say even once in her life, "I was wrong" or "I am sorry." She just presses her lips together and ignores logic. The infidelity is something my parents did together.



Agreed. But I am consistently learning that what I feel is unreliable. When I let Ellie in, my logical side said to me "You had better enjoy this, because it is going away soon." My romantic times with Ellie or any other girl are the same in that way. It feels great to be with them, but the entire time I am resisting that logic that the moment is ephemeral. It felt so right with Ellie. She invited me in. I thought she was sincere. Even though she left me once, I wanted to be wrong and believe that she would be a part of my life for a long time.

My friends and family had not seen me that happy in years. Now, I am worse off. I do not want to invite in the opportunity to meet people because they are all just insincere beasts (some people are just better at hiding it). Yes, I include myself in there, too. I was insincere with myself. I deceived myself into thinking that somehow, Ellie would be different. I told myself a "white lie," but I just ended up in pain. That is why practice (action) must overlap with principle (belief).

I respect that at least you can admit that relationship advice is anecdotal. And that is why I do not speak with my family or few close friends about it anymore. They cannot know what I know, and I cannot know what they know. The people I used to chat with about this would just try and offer confusing, inconsistent and often double-standard tips on how to find a companion. They would idealize it by saying, "You just have to make the choice to find someone." What if the one I find doesn't want me? My choice is not enough.

I do not mean to sound condescending or dismissive, but I wrote that as a self-defense mechanism. I feel I am going crazy when people tell me the same nonsense that I cannot believe. It makes me think that something really is wrong with me and that I do not deserve to have companionship. I cannot trust my family or friends to help, and with all due respect, I am writing all of this very sensitive information on a message board full of complete strangers.

Lene, I appreciate that you respected my wishes. You have my respect.

No problem LeninzTomb. I apologise for taking it the wrong way,

You need not apologize. I was not clear in my intention when I wrote that. I appreciate you and "fallen angel" for writing back. When I woke up this morning, I just thought my words would have gone unread. It was nice to see that two people cared enough to write back at all. Thanks again.

Might be able to get advice from L & D forum as well.

Some opinions of mine..

1) I don't believe there's someone for everyone. Most everyone has the potential to "bed" someone.. yay for them, some of these very same people are selfish, self centered or worse, abusive.

My aunt is very much like your mom--minus the alcohol. Incredibly violent temper, physically and verbally abusive when riled, etc. I dunno if my uncle cheated but yeah.

2.) If God exists I don't believe on a human's most arrogant day that we could comprehend his wisdom. If he's truly omnipotent, he has knowledge humans can't perceive. (Not refuting by the way, nor do I believe anymore atm)

3.) I understand your angry at your dad, he probably was trying to help you in his own flawed way even tho certain aspects of his advice, he didn't live up to.

4.) Being insincere causes me to be stressed.



An ideal love (which is rare but possible) is not having to hide who you are. But that is really usually from my experience love, this girl--seems VERY sketchy to me. The flaw might not be yours at all, (there's no way of knowing, everyone generally think that all they do is correct in a relationship, a very impossible standard when given enough time)

Also people change, you might be in love with the idea of the person now--but things like finding an incredibly lovely individual inside and out, with all the traits you'd like in them--and then having them have a mental break down, premature alzheimers, go on a drug binge, or any number of problems can be very taxing and will put a saint to the test.

Greatsharkbite, thanks for writing all that. Just curious, what do you think I should do if I were to post in the L&D forum? Copy and paste what I wrote above?

I appreciate your sincerity. I do not believe that there's someone for everyone either. There is no perfect fit, just better fitting than others.

My mother is not physically abusive really, but definitely verbally abusive. She and I actually just finished arguing. She resorts to personal attacks and uses anything she can to belittle me while I try and stick to the point about why she is angry in the first place. She never let logic get in the way of her trying to win an argument.

I don't want to talk god. As Talal said in Assassin's Creed: "He's long abandoned us." Perhaps some higher cognition is possible, but if so, no one can describe it to make me believe it (yet).

I understand that my father was trying to help, but how can he not see the conflict in making such a statement? He cheated on his wife of 30+ years, and he has the nerve to say that when I find someone just as wonderful as my verbally abusive mother that all will be right and I will never even be tempted by anyone else. Nonsense! It's like he just blurted out a cliche and felt like he had solved my problems.

Lastly, I know I don't love Ellie. She has caused me more pain than my cousin's suicide. I still have not cried about that. I had a 3 day nervous breakdown when Ellie left me for the second time. I cannot trust what I feel, because it leads me to be hurt. But what is so frustrating is that despite my knowledge, I cannot flip a switch and make myself not care. I wish I could. Cognitive dissonance is terrifying. I feel like I have lost control over myself.

Thanks again for posting!

Thanks just noticed by post was full of typos. Also yeah, copying this post is fine. It depends on what you want, you could possibly get some helpful responses posting there as well.

Also about your situation, I kinda.. (correct me if i'm off base) know the feeling. Feels like your mind rationally should know that the person wasn't any good for you at all, yet the feeling is still incredibly painful and won't go away.

Especially if you're the type (I am) .. where forming what you think are solid emotional connections are very difficult and you try to give the person a lot of chances to get their act together because you don't want the relationship or friendship to end.

Not even just aspies, (tho we're overly trusting) but some people are just generous to a fault it seems.

You're right. I rationally know that Ellie is causing me pain, but I am still attached. I have no solid emotional connections to any girl really. My best friend from grade school was a tomboyish girl, but when she came out as a lesbian her parents freaked out and she has basically disappeared. I miss her so much. I trusted her with all my soul. I don't even know if she's alive anymore.

I wanted Ellie to be special, because she did choose me after all. I had never had that happen before. I wanted to help her, too. She used to cut her wrists, she's estranged from her mother, her dad is dead. I wanted to be someone she could trust. I suppose this is an example of generosity to a fault.