I hate myself...

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Yeah, I feel the same way. I feel that I constantly have to be aware of what I am doing at any moment to avoid offending others too. I never say the right thing, & so often I end up doing something that others find really annoying. I want to participate in being human, but I usually end up looking like a complete dork when I try.

Your adoptive parents sound like pieces of work.

Who says you have to like yourself?

Pretty heavy load you are carrying there.
what can one say to a person who is in the extreme of self loathing and mutilation.
I read your post and did not reply.
However I woke this morning thinking of you and some advice.

I think if you learn forgiveness it would go a long way to helping you cope. Do a search on that word if you have not tried this yet.

Forgive yourself for being born. You had no choice it is what it is. And where
you got the idea that a baby can be a whore is totally screwed up
thinking. Babies can be sexually abused as well, and if that were the
case, your adopted mother should carry that guilt and not you. If you
get stronger you can confront them on this issue.
Forgive your birth-mother. She was young, no husband, possibly had a bad
childhood and emotional and drug problems as well, probably no job or family to
help care for you. You did not "screw up her life", she did that all by her
lonesome self. She made the most difficult choice a mother can make.
She had to give you up and not your sibling because older children are
harder to adopt. It is not because she liked your sibling better than you.
Forgive your adoption. You are not a 'black market baby'. You were not stolen
and sold to someone without the paperwork. Private adoptions happen all
the time. Even in the 60's.
Forgive your adopted parents. Who like so many people want a baby for all the
wrong reasons. They obviously did not know what they were doing and
how to parent. They had a fantasy of the perfect child when reality does not
match the fantasy they become confused and angry. You did nothing as a baby
but to be that reality-the work the crying, the diapering, the holding the time
and commitment involved. As their mistreatment of you began, you reacted as a
child would react to abandonment and act out your fears and insecurity.
Forgive yourself most of all. You have a extremely distorted view of your self
which you have carried for decades. It is time to find out who you really are.
It is like you have been living a life in a house of mirrors where everything
you see if false and you must leave that place to find what is true and real.
Forgive your past self-punishment. It does no good in a quest for sanity.
Forgive your dog. He has been through a lot as well and is only reacting to you.
The anger, fear, insecurity, and self-loathing can be relieved by forgiving.

Hi Sufi, it's hard to forgive myself. I know I should be able to but just have never been quite able to get there. I also feel responsible for the death of a young man I never knew. I had a relationship with the man who murdered him....started at 9 & went on until I was 12. I somehow found the courage to stand up to his sexual advancements, & he turned around & murdered this young guy shortly after I cut him off. I didn't pull the trigger of the gun, but I do feel that by saying no, I caused it to happen.

Years of being constantly reminded of my imperfection & horribleness by my adoptive parents & others led me to self-loathing. I was full of it by the time I made to my 11th year. People often told me how wonderful my parents were...it just added to my confusion, as I didn't feel cared for or loved by them. I mostly felt fear & anger towards them, & hearing people tell me how lucky I was only added to my feelings of guilt & shame. It made me question my feelings. My adoptive parents were the ones who told me I was bought & paid for, & that I was obligated to them for as long as I lived because they purchased/rescued me. It mattered not that the contract stated I was not their personal property, or that slavery had been abolished 100 years before my birth. My adoptive dad's family had owned slaves, so maybe that's where the entitlement came from. I don't really know. They never explained themselves...it was just how it was, & I had no choice but to do their bidding, or else they'd physically punish &/or scream at me. I also never knew what would set them off, so I learned from an early age to walk on eggshells in their presence. I avoided them as much as I could, though I also craved their approval & love. I never heard a single nice thing from anyone about me. I was always the bad one, the mean, hateful, selfish, stupid, fat, & ugly creature that no one could find anything about me that was positive or likeable. It came from my adoptive parents, their families, their friends, neighbors, teachers, other authority figures, peers, & even strangers. No doubt, Aspergers plays a lot into why I had such a grating personality across the board. People just didn't like me, or if they did/do, it never lasts long-I do something worng & then they hate me...never any explanation, they just don't want to be around me after that. The irony is that when I was about 11 years old or so, my adoptive dad said I needed to learn to like myself. Well, that's all fine & good, but if all you ever hear from others is how awful you are, you learn to hate yourself. I grew up in a very real Cinderella story, but it didn't have a happy ending with a Prince Charming. There was no way out for me, I just had to put up with the mistreatment. Only it wasn't really abusive (in my adoptive parents eyes) as I was the one who caused all the trouble in the first place. Basically I deserved it, since I was imperfect. I needed to be punished because I needed to know what perfect was. Maybe my mom thought if she beat me & yelled at me enough, I would change my very nature & turn into the little girl she desired. My adoptive mother (dead now) probably had narcissistic personality disorder. She never did anything wrong other than adopt me. She had the perfect house, was the perfect woman in every way, dressed to perfection, perfect hair, had the perfect husband, but a horribly imperfect child who always embarrassed her & caused problems for her. I made her look bad because I wasn't the perfect little angel that she expected me to be. I also never knew what would set her off. One minute an activity would be fine, & the next I'd be severely punished for doing the same thing. It's hard to live in a world where you don't know from one moment to the next what you will be singled out & punished, I couldn't even breathe right to suit my parents. I just did my best to avoid them, either by staying outside or in my room. Dad has Aspergers too. He has the classic symptoms of it. He was always impatient with me, although he seemed to have plenty of patience for other children. So there was definitely something different about me.

I was wrongly accused of doing terrible things, & people didn't listen to my side of the story. Because it was me, the bad one, the ugly one, no one would believe my side of the story. I was always the liar. If the truth came out that I was right, I never got an apology for the accusations against me. Even if I hadn't done anything wrong, I was bad I was the one who had to be punished...end of story. It happened when I was 7 or 8, again when I was 10, in middle school. high school, & even in my adult years. I learned that I don't do anything right. I have been like that all my life....everything about me is all wrong.

As far as not being a whore as a baby....my adoptive mother totally loathed me. I have heard that this often happens with young children who are sexually active, that their mother blames the child for being promiscuous, & hates them for it. I'm sure being sexually active only made her hate me worse, since I had already proved to be a difficult baby with chronic ear infections & other health issues. I don't even know who did it. I suspect it, but have no way of proving it. The surgery was covered up, sort of. It was never explained why I had surgery & the truth about it was swept under the rug from the time I was young. I only found out at 46 that I had 1 ovary, & half a uterus. It was strange to have a doctor ask me about the surgery, & he was even more shocked & concerned that I didn't know the circumstances. I was well aware of sex long before other kids my age (4-5). I have no other way to explain my knowledge. The fact that my adoptive mother hated me so much, she went back to work & left me with anyone who had a pulse by the time I was 3, is pretty telling. She just couldn't deal with being around me anymore. Most of my memories go back to age 3, but I cannot recall actual sexual abuse. I do recall crying a lot, being anxious, not wanting to have bowel movements (I fought that alot-so much so that my adoptive mother gave me enemas & laxitives). I saw a little girl on a local news station who'd been mistreated & sexually abused by her dad, & she reminded me of myself when I was her age (her crying resembled growling as did my cries). She had been removed from her home & placed with another family who kept her in spite of the long drawn out crying spells. She grew up ok though because this family took care of her & eventually even liked her. No one did that for me, because there was nothing likeable about me. I was unworthy of unconditional love. I was often alone & lonely, & felt invisible unless I did something wrong-real or imagined. I was preyed upon by men who used my loneliness against me. No one cared enough to get to the bottom of what was going on in my life. What I wanted most, love, was not to be.

I have tried going to shrinks, but they mostly write off my past saying I must be bi-polar. Maybe they think I have a vivid imagination. I don't have that great of one & couldn't make up this stuff. They want to prescribe heavy-duty meds without testing which I refuse to take. Some drugs can do a lot more harm than good. I have not done any self-harming for a while now...I am taking meds for ADHD. It seems to quell the desire to self-injure.

Tomboy

I'm quite a dang cynical person, but deep down inside, there's some hope that there are good people out there. You're deeming yourself unlikeable and pathetic just by the testimony of a horde of scumbags and losers. People like that deserve to be put on an island somewhere. Detroit, perhaps?

Seriously, though, screw what other people think. You are you.

Perhaps it was a form of brainwashing. As I stated above, I have not a single memory of any positive words said about me by others. It doesn't matter who they were: parents, family, parents' friends, peers, teachers, other authority figures, neighbors, etc. It is how I grew up, & being that no one wanted me around or desired to befriend me, I understood I was a reject by the age of 10. I cannot change my past nor my experiences. I grew up with the knowledge that I was unlikeable & unloveable. They were the majority, my views were in the minority. Majority wins, I lost. What can I say?

I can think of a lot of excuses for humanity I'd happily dump in Detroit.

Tomboy, the fact that some evil piece of slime raped a baby is not your fault! !!

All these other pretend humans who have been telling you things about you are that are not your fault says more about them than about you.

I've been struggling with similar feelings - for different reasons, it's true, but similar feelings about me. I've been workng on persuading myself that the problem lies with the other(?) humans, not with me. All these terrible things that happened to you were the result of the actions of individuals who should be dumped in Detroit (I'd settle for locking them up, but Detroit works for me!).

I do know that there are some utterly despicable excuses for humanity out there, but they are the ones who have done this kind of thing to you, not you.

The fact that you are willing to give your time, for free, to help abandoned nonhumans tells me something really important. Whatever you think of yourself, you are a good person!

You mean to say, you cannot just simply go into a store and buy razors off the shelf?
Are you in the US? I am just guessing. Theres a lot that i dont know about America, as I am Australian. I suppose I may have to talk to Obama tomorrow when he comes to visit Darwin. =)
Untill then, I can sympathise with you a little, people at stores who are supposed to sell you something are soooo frustrating.

You can usually...I just ended up with a cashier who was new & didn't know what she was doing. The person who rang up the sale botched it. After she messed it up, she wanted to charge me a second time. I refused, & she took the merchandise away from me & put it behind the counter. I was livid, because all I needed was a new razor since my old one was broken. I had to wait until the charge showed up in my bank account to do anything about it. Went back with a print out from my account (no receipt since the cashier wouldn't give it to me), & dispute the charge with the manager. He apologized profusely & I was finally able to purchase a new razor. Thankfully that mess is now behind me.

Thanks for the kind words, Niall. My parents have not had the easiest time lately. Mom passed away last year after her health took a major nose dive over the last few years. She lingered at the end for several days before she passed. Dad would call me on the phone in a very raw emotional state....in all honesty, I never knew he could feel that strongly. I was his main support since I am an only child. Dad has just been DXd with both prostate cancer & heart trouble. He knows his time is limited. He's never really been a compassionate person. If someone was dying, he'd just say "well, no one gets out of this world alive." Not the nicest thing to say really. But that was dad. I suspect he also has AS. Too late for a DX, he's nearly 84. But he has many of the classic symptoms.

My childhood was really rough because there was really no one who gave a damn about me. I had no one I could confide in...I felt I couldn't trust anyone anyway. My parents usually left me to my own devices unless they were being abusive. I was often left home alone from about 7 years on...I think it's against the law to do that. I was told not to tell anyone....so I didn't out of fear of consequences. Mistreatment also included major sleep deprivation as well as physical & verbal abuse. Because I was an only child, people just thought I was a spoiled brat who acted out to get my way or attention. Aspergers was completely unknown in those days, & people thought if they gave into my wishes it would make me worse, I guess. So from time to time, my parents would box up my possessions & give them away. I didn't even get any input into what I could keep or donate to charity. It left me feeling like I was not important. Later dad sold some of my stuff without asking me first & it's caused more trust issues. Dad never got why I was upset. He felt is was ok for him to sell it because he could get money for my things....obviously money has been far more important. I felt I had no real value to either of my parents. Worse, I had no way to communicate what was happening. I cried a lot & was deeply depressed. People did notice, but I couldn't explain why I was so sad. They probably just thought I was an emotional cry baby. I really don't know.

I guess I have a soft spot for animals because I get what they've gone through. Whatever their current circumstances, I want to try to get them placed in good homes where they will be cared for & loved. I am fostering a little dog right now who was abandoned at a dog park. He's just a baby too, about 3 months old when we took him home. Has a fairly high energy level, & is a handful. I understand that he needs to learn manners & stuff, but they don't learn those lessons by themselves. They have to be taught right from wrong. It's no different from teaching a child. He is learning. My dog came from a rescue too. His story is pretty sad as well. He's a great dog & it makes me angry that he was abused & dumped too. Maybe I have a better understanding of animals than people since people haven't been very nice to me either.

Tomboy