I wish I was in a coma

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I guess that's better than wishing I was dead. Seriously. I hate what is going on in my life right now. I am under an enormous amount of stress, and I do not know when it is going to end. The stress is getting worse. I am being stretched in every possible direction and it will not stop. I just want it to stop. I don't want any more stress. I don't want any more. I am reaching my breaking point. I have gone YEARS without doing any self harm and having suicidal thoughts. I am not there even now, but I am afraid I am going to hit that point. I don't want to be there again. I don't want to hit rock bottom. I cannot do that. I have kids that need me. But if this does not stop, I don't know how much longer I can cope.

I am finding myself wondering how it would feel to do something illegal (drugs) or to take more anxiety meds that I should (not to OD, but to make me relax). I already know that Alcohol will not help. It just makes me feel like total and utter crap. I have percocet and that will put me to sleep - for 4 hours and then I will not be able to get back to sleep. I have trazodone I could take, but there are two strikes against that one. 1: I have very weird vivid dreams while on it and 2: I wake up all groggy the next day. The fog does not clear for hours. I could take more than 2 Klonopin, but I don't know the OD level for it, and I don't want to risk it.

I just wish I could be knocked out so that I do not dream, I do not worry, I do not get physically ill and I do not have to solve the world's problems (it feels like I do). I do not want to snap. I have worked too hard to do that.

What's stressing me? In a nutshell making it as short as I can...

Custody battle over my kids
The potential of being evicted (but thankfully saved by a friend tonight with that)
Not receiving child support for a year, but finally court ordered from his paycheck (but I have to wait until it comes... probably the beginning of Dec and my landlord did not want to wait for it)
My kids coming to me in tears because they hate being with their step mom
Hearing them tell me how they are treated (My youngest is facing the mental games that I fought so hard to get my oldest (who I do have custody of) out of there because she was suicidal
The fear that if he does get the other two, their sister will never see them again, and neither will I
Trying to keep my 16 year old to not obsess over these stessses and let me handle them (she is hyperstressed herself)
Trying to get that same daughter in the school district she grew up in because she cannot play in band otherwise - band is her aspie obsession - trumpet actually)
Money
No sleep
No time
Trying to homeschool oldest daughter because she is not safe in the school district she is currently in PLUS they will not follow her IEP.
Trying to move (I hate this place)
Trying to protect my daughter from a dangerous neighbor (not getting into it here)
Having until the beginning of December to wirte two essays for a class that if I do not, my incomplete turns into an F.
As I try to research the above essays, I cannot comprehend what I am reading...
and I could go on

It is just a huge boatload of things that does not want to go away. Plus, my counseling records are open to the courts to read, so I really can't even vent to my counselor (not that I can anyway because he has cancelled the last months worth of apts)

But it is 4, so I am going to attempt to sleep.

I heard antipsychotics can induce a coma, but it would probably also kill you, so I wouldn't recommend it.

Going into a coma could be very unpleasent

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1230092/Rom-Houben-Patient-trapped-23-year-coma-conscious-along.html

http://news.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474980748135

I hope that things will get better for you in the near future.

id love to be put in a coma. I think thats what i like about weed, it puts u in this state where you're not quite 100% conscious, without it i'd have killed myself 8-9 years ago, no doubt whatsoever.

The only problem is that drugs stop working, right now my tolerance is so high that i could smoke 10 x what people smoking it for 20 years could take. I dont smoke to get a little stoned, i smoke to monstered and its beginning to show, I've been losing my ability to get stoned and its horrible, i feel like im losing my only refuge. My 3 choices as far as i can see right now are death, some heavier drug like heroin or to actually sort my life out, the only problem with the last one being that i could sort it out but i can't take being alone for a second more.

Why, would you end up like...

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhffuKpgVyM[/youtube]

That is EXACTLY how I felt when my mental health was at its worst, I could never kill myself or even want to die, it's a horrible thought. But all I wanted to do was to be unconsious or extremely mentally deficient so I did not have to worry anymore because my mind would not be sophisticated enough to do so.

I hope you stop feeling like that soon, it's not nice.

I'm so glad you're much better now MONKEY. I'd hate to have seen you in such a poor state.

I've often felt like I've wanted to be mentally ret*d so I wouldn't care too. It may sound as if I want to avoid all responsibility, but I've often wondered what it would be like for me to have Down's Syndrome or William's or something, and not have to have the stress of having to work or anything. Irrisponsible I know, but I have been quite desperate.

_________________
THINGS I LIKE
Parasaurolophus, Plesiosaurs, Dinosaurs, Pterosaurs, Music, Tuna, Chocolate milk, Oreos, Blue things

Parasaurolophuscolobus. Parasaurcolobus. Colobusaurolophus.
....And Nunchucks are my friends.

I really wish that I were comatose from 13-19 and that I only woke up on my 20th birthday.