Rants

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i hate my silly place in the world today
so screwed up

Thanks for the advice, but I was somewhat hoping it would get lost in the shuffle, I just needed to get it out of me anywhere at this point. Eitherway, it seems things have taken a turn for the better, I have a unconfirmed (from my part) appointment on the 12th, and today have been given a number of a center that's really close by that specialises in diagnosing people, getting them the appropriate help and even following them up afterwards to find them a suitable integration into life. All this while keeping finances in mind.
So either way I feel i'l be set pretty soon. After years of thinking I was just weird, I've finally taken the first steps towards something that might explain why, and I finally feel a peace of mind coming.

Got to get some of this off my chest, somewhere.

Was looking at ancient posts I made in 2008 and saw one where I called myself attractive. Realized I have said this recently too. Don't know what the f*ck I'm on or what even gives me the right to say this, when all I need to do is look in the mirror to see it's blatantly untrue. Average, weird-looking, sometimes pretty ugly. I hate how my self image is so unstable and I can't even keep it together. I feel like I keep being vain and saying stupid and irrelevant things that are inaccurate, I hate my obsessive thought looping and when it can be so irritating to others, I have all these wonderful people around me and great opportunities and I am not worthy and I am letting everyone down and other people who are not so well off deserve my life far more than I do.

Hate how most of the time lately I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling, and everything I say and do seems inappropriate and I hate myself for it. I want to be better than I am, I feel pathetic and lost, I feel so painfully caught in a trap I feel I can't escape. I don't want to be bipolar any more and go through this, but I know these thoughts are weak and I am better than that. I need to be a stronger person.

I hate that I was determined to clean the bathroom fully and properly today, and not stop no matter what, unless I physically passed out, because I HAD to prove to myself that I could still do it - that I still had it in me to be better and to fight past everything no matter what, but I failed, I failed at 75% completion, and my parents forcibly dragged me out of there, and I couldn't stop sobbing because I've never failed like that before. If I can't fight and destroy myself mind and body to do what must be done and to make it somehow and do the right thing and help others and be a better person I don't know how I can live with myself or live in the world.

I want to be a better person, do better, help others, be better, bring better things into the world, improve the world in any way I can so badly, I can't bear being as I am and I can't bear being myself when often all I want is to work so hard I can forget everything about me and who I am and my life can be useful. I hurt for everything I am not achieving, everything I am not working towards, everyone I am irritating or bothering, everyone I am not doing the right thing by, everything helpful or useful I could be doing to ultimately better society, because I am here trapped within my own brain finally collapsing in on itself over the longest year of my life.

My postman has changed his routine He would always bring letters / small parcels between 10/10.30 and then the van would bring big stuff around 11.30 but lately they've been coming at random times between 12 and 2.30. I don't like it, I like my post in the morning not in the afternoon.

Also mother in law's lack of logic. She calls at 8.45 to ask me to call her mobile (cell phone) so she can find it by the ringing. I agree, phone it let it ring for ages and then hang up, then sit and wonder why she could not have called her own mobile which not only means not disturbing me but also that she wouldn't have to pay for a call to me to ask me to do it.

My attraction to certain people have now changed.

ahh how i knew trying something to change would bring no change. and now im likely to hurt someone because of it. this was a stupid idea

i cant help you anymore. i am sorry.

you'd think a so-called friend would be happy i wasn't depressed for once in my life.
guess misery really does love company.

careful love, your narcissism is showing...

Heres how my conversations usually go:

'Hi'
'Hi'
'You alright?'
'Yeah...'
'...'
'...'

today was not a good day. it started with my mother yelling at me to go to church. then we went to lunch in newtown. i love newtown and tried to get them to go anywhere else lest their unholy presence taint hallowed ground but they couldnt be convinced otherwise. they went and i was really afraid they would notice all the rainbow flags and queer newspapers which almost every store has or distributes and realise that oxford street isnt the centre of queer life in this country, the inner west-newtown especially is. im glad they did not go up the street or these things would have been more obvious. as it was they went in saying that newtown is a "trendy" area and spent the whole time mocking and acting agast/horrified at the people and buildings of newtown. they were horrified at those with coloured hair, piercings, tatoos, old clothing(hipsters) and those rolling tobaco which they thought was weed. then after we got back my dad started yelling at me for my decision to continue going to unsw and start a course that will see me leaving uni at a minimum of 25 years old. i know full well what this will do to my earning ability and i know i will have a huge hecs debt to repay for the courses that i have already done but i do not care. i know that there is no certainity of being allowed to transfer but i need to try. and i certainly do not want to change unis and i most definitely do not want to go to the catholic universities. the queer, atheist, socialist/feminist isnt going to last 5minutes in a conservative environment and i have not heard good stories about those unis. i cant tell my dad that. and i cant change unis because ive made friends and i have comrades there and i cant leave them and start over again but i cant tell my dad that. and unsw is close to people and places that are necessary for my wellbeing and continued existence on this earth but i cant tell anyone that least of all my father.

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