Living with another aspie :(

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I just spent the past hour with my psychologist talking about my relationship with M. It's not going so well. It's really hard trying to live with another aspie. He's not like anyone I've ever met, for better and worse. He's constantly trying to improve and be a better person. This involves everything from becoming more empathic, developing people skills, get a career and learn multiple programming languages. It's one of the qualities I admire most about him, and also the quality that causes me the most grief.

He works really hard to be a good partner and be loving and empathetic. But there are so many other things he has to do, he's always overwhelmed by obligations because he never wants to rest and also because he really, REALLY sucks at planning his time. The result: he sleeps at different hours every day, his hygiene is questionable, he can never keep his promises regarding when and what he will do and he is blind to my needs. I know he thinks he's got me figured out, but the truth is that his actions say otherwise.

I'm working hard to get my life in order. Managing two kids on your own (one with an autism spectrum disorder), save two nights a week, is hard work when you have severe executive dysfunction. Simply maintaining the household is a big challenge. In addition I have to deal with my anxiety and emotional problems and try to get some kind of career rolling to support myself. The past couple of years, since being diagnosed and kicking my ex to the curb, have been spent picking up the pieces of my life and faltering mental health and trying to rebuild something more durable. In the midst of this I met M. And he brought new things to my life. One thing I never have to question is his love and devotion. He doesn't have an ill-willed bone in his body. I never have to doubt that he has my best interest at heart. The problem is getting him to understand that my interests and needs are different from his.

I never wanted him to move in with me, but being in love tends to silence any doubts. Now he pretty much lives out of my bedroom whereas the kids and I share the remaining two rooms and kitchen. He helps out by doing occasional shopping and minor renovations around the apartment, like drilling, putting up shelves and such. He's got a good eye for getting junk off the floor. The rest is on me, but that's ok. If he wasn't there I'd have to do it anyway. And I'm thankful he doesn't try to raise my kids, that would be a disaster for everyone involved. I was utterly thrilled and amazed that a 26-year old wouldn't be repelled by the idea of a single mom.

But he just doesn't get it. I have some normal and abnormal needs to be able to function well. I'm already wobbling under the weight of my responsibilities and he doesn't seem to get the impact of his actions, at least not until I threaten him with the possibility of splitting up, which I hate doing. But the truth is it's a very real possibility.

Here's a concrete list of my pet peeves:

- He has terribly irregular sleeping habits. We hardly ever go to bed together anymore, not since he stopped working in construction. He sometimes sleeps during the day and then again in the morning, sometimes from six in the morning until the afternoon and he's always really angry when he gets up because he can't get out of bed in time to do all he needs to do. I often end up sleeping in the kids room. And the dog is tired, because there's always someone awake and then he doesn't sleep as well.

-He smokes and his clothes smell of smoke. Only recently, after a lot of bickering, could I get him to stop smoking on the balcony. To be fair, I used to smoke there too, but now it gets too smelly indoors. I don't mind that he smokes, except for his health, I smoke a couple of cigarettes a day as well, but he never washes his clothes and he smokes so much he constantly smells of it.
He drinks too much. He never gets drunk, he's a really big guy, but he always has beers in the evening. That's fine, most days I have one or two myself, but since he sits up until morning he'll sometimes still be drinking beer when I wake up. It SMELLS. And he gets offended when I wont hug him because the smell is too much.

-He expects affection and touches me where I don't like to be touched unless there's been some serious cuddling involved. I've been hard on him and given him very concrete rules, but he still does it. I think maybe he just forgets, but it makes me pull away even more. I hardly ever feel like touching him sexually anymore because I feel so crowded. And the more I pull away, the more rejected he feels.

-He has a real problem respecting my wishes when he doesn't understand them. I ask him not to take food unless he knows it's OK or unless he bought it himself, since my son can get really hysterical if he doesn't have the food he's expected. I ask him to lower his voice because the kids and I are very sensitive to raised voices and actually start crying when he's irritated. He tries, but when he's angry he still does it. I ask him to walk the dog when he's already said he will and he doesn't. Instead he tells me to stop nagging. But the dog needs to pee. Then he realizes he's late and just runs off. I end up having to either get the kids dressed (in the middle of winter no less) or telling them to wait on the balcony when I take the dog out.

The dog is my main worry. I don't know if we're gonna last, but we bought the dog together. I take most of the responsibility, but I don't think he's gonna let me buy his share. I don't think he'll be able to care for the dog since he's so unable to plan when he's gonna be home. And the kids would miss him terribly if he was gone half the time. It makes me want to cry because I've grown to love this dog so much and I don't want my kids to have to endure both another man and the dog going away.

The thing is, I knew from the beginning that I don't do well living with other people. I guess I thought that since he's aspie too and understands my problems, we could work around it. Seems I was wrong. I'm such a dunce.

First I want to say you are not a dunce, you are doing amazing.
I could not face being a single parent, and I don't know how anyone does it with other issues going on too.
You talk about his problems, but not much about your own needs, maybe you could work out what you need and write it down and show him.
You say his love is not in doubt, so if you have a list you can look at together which says things like;
I am sensitive to smells and find it upsetting to smell stale odours in my home or on my wonderful boyfriend, it makes me want to go far away from the smell, but not from the boyfriend underneath.
I need to know in advance when I will need to leave the apartment, so we need to arrange for the dog to go out before the kids bedtime, no surprises please.

If you list the main disruptions and what you need to be different then you can sit and work on them together.

I must say though that with my husband, he still shouts instead of talking, sleeps odd times and forgets to keep promises, but I have accepted these things and he accepts that I cannot be touched without warning and he must allow me time to prepare mentally for any visitors or outings and not spring people on me. Its all about learning what can be changed, what can't be helped and what can't be tolerated (I don't allow him to drink too much in the house because everything gets worse, but I don't stop him continually smoking outside the back door.)

If I think of anything more to add I'll come back later, but I have kids to pick up myself now : )

Good luck & I think you are doing just fine, not perfect, but fine.

Relationships are BS? Meh, That's why I'm attracted to anime women. They don't cause grief and trouble.

Have you considered that it might be best for your relationship for you to live separately? As in, he moves out?

Honestly, I think you have done pretty damn well by yourself.

Look at it this way, he probably needs his own space. You definitely need your own space. Unless you both have enough space the relationship is going to fizzle out because you won't have a chance to miss each other since you're in each others space all the time and eventually it's going to lead to resentment and bitterness.

If he does move out, you can both agree on times to see each other that suit both of you and should stop a lot of the current problems. Later down the road, if you want him to move in again, that can be arranged and you will know the things you need to ensure are in his daily routine (like taking the dog out, regular sleep hours etc) in order to make it work.

Well he managed to have a relationship with you before he moved in, didn't he? If you guys were in a relationship before he moved in then you wouldn't have been seeing each other every day.

So clearly what he said isn't true in reality, only in his mind.

Sounds like he's just scared that if he's not living with you the relationship will die. It's a step back so you both can breathe more easily, not a break up. He can't let his fear of the relationship dying control the relationship otherwise it will die, it will be a self fulfilled prophecy.

Just try to explain it to him as a step back so you both can breathe and you're not crowding each other. He knows what it's like to be living on the edge of overload, just explain it to him like that as an analogy.

I doubt it would cause you to break up unless he sees it as they same thing as breaking up and then does so. But you said he isn't ready for that yet, so I would be using the time in between to see if this is a viable solution to getting this to work.

Hmm, maybe if you do this slowly, in a sneaky way without telling him, and prove to him that it will work first, he won't be so opposed?

It's good that he still has his old place, that's a big bonus.

Example: On a particular night when you really, really, really need a break from him, maybe you should ask him if it's possible for him to sleep at his place that night?

Start out with a night and see how he handles it. If you both miss each other and are happy to see each other after 12 - 24 hours then that would prove that his fears are groundless and that it's going to be good for your relationship.

Even if over a month or so you get him used to going to his place when you need a break, and then the next month you made it a routine for him to sleep at his place once a week.

Simply increase one night per week on a monthly basis until you find a good balance for both of you?

It would be a slow solution but if he is sensitive and struggling it would be a way of recharging both your batteries, as you know no food will be taken that shouldn't, stuff won't smell, etc. And he will have a break from the nagging as he calls it, and he can do whatever he wants there in his own house. It's a long term problem so you're going to need a long term solution.

I totally get the not being good living with other people, I'm like that too I really can't stand it. I learned the hard way by jumping into living with another person too quickly also. Now days, I make sure they're trained before they try to live with me, training them when you get to know them is easier and faster than training them when they're already set in their ways because it's starts to become like what you're going through now.

I totally agree with what Kjos is saying, if boyfriend has his own place, then he needs to stay there sometimes, especially if he's keeping everyone from getting a good night's sleep at yours.

If he doesn't ease up on the 24 hours a day thing, then its going to end up 0 hours by the sound of it.

I have one thing to add though. You said at one point he said he would leave as soon as he felt mentally up to it. He also kept his old place. These two things make me wonder how committed he really is. He is asking a lot of you, letting him live with you when you have kids to consider. While he has a plan B waiting, whenever he needs it. Sounds like he's asking a lot more commitment from you than he is giving out himself, unless there is a genuine reason for him keeping on his place.

If he does move out completely, can you buy his half of the dog off him, explain how it would be too much for the kids to lose the dog too. However close or not he is to your kids, most people do care about not hurting children.

Glad you are sounding more upbeat about the relationship & the dog.

Hope you sort things out, cos every relationship has bad times as well as good.

The only people who think it can be good all the time are single

Update:

I think it's beginning to really hit home what I mean. He actually took the initiative himself and made sure we had a couple of long (painful) conversations about feelings and needs etc. He then asked me to rate how much of a difference certain things would make for me on a scale from 0-10, including him sleeping at his place a couple of nights a week, quitting smoking, helping out more etc. So we now have a plan. Basically, he knows my priorities on a bunch of matters, but right now what he's gonna start with is the sleeping at his place. I feel relieved already. I still don't know exactly what I feel for him, but I figure there's time to find that out too. It will definitely be a lot easier once I get a little more space. I'm hoping this will be enough of a leap forward to get me back into decent shape. I have so many other things I need to work out, I can't go around like this.

So now he stays at his house a couple of days a week. But all I feel is relief when he's gone, not so much that I miss him. My psychologist pointed out that I already do know I'm not in love with him. But can I get those feelings back? My mind has started to wander to other men. I'm not interested in anyone, but I have a longing inside me and my eyes are open. Ist there anyway to get back to what I used to feel for him?