Pain of being misunderstood.

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Alright so I imagine I am not the only one who runs into this, but yeah I couldn't get to sleep till early in the morning because I was thinking about this. But anyways I have some ideas about it and was looking for possible tips to cope with it so it doesn't eat away at me.

So first of all I was thinking about how maybe people project their intentions onto others......for instance I've been accused of being 'manipulative' before when its more like I am trying to express things the best way as I can and it ends up coming off that way even though that is not the intention at all. I notice sometimes when I try to explain I was not trying to be that way people argue that 'yes I was, and not to lie because everyone does it.' or do they mean if they where coming off the way I was their intention would be to manipulate so they assume my intention is the same as what theirs would be? I guess that was my attempt at trying to see it as 'well they are the one with the issue not me.' but I am not sure how accurate that conclusion is.

Other then that I just have to face if I make the wrong impression and that causes someone to have a negative view of me from that point forward...It's just hard to deal with feeling like people dislike me over mis-understanding my intentions. So yeah anyways these thoughts were keeping me up.

Does anyone else get accused of trying to be manipulative or anything like that when you're not trying to be? if so how do you deal with it? or you have any thoughts on any of this post I would be interested to hear your thoughts. I can't very well not sleep because I can't get this out of my head so hopefully posting about it will help some.

I dunno if thats ever happened to me. I'm misunderstood in different ways, intent, demeanor, I give off different voice intonation than I tend etc.

But if someone threw in that "everyone does it" remark and is judging me anyway, i'd probably just stop associating with them. How judgmental and unfair, that'd mean that they're manipulative too as well.

yeah and I admit that specifically has not happened often, but its happened a couple times with people I was able to not really associate with anymore.

Also I was kind of meaning things like that being misunderstood to....or if I say something not meant to be rude that might get percieved that way. But yeah I guess I am more concerned with the pain of being rejected, because I end up giving off the wrong impression....and how to deal with that. I mean there's no use dwelling on it I guess but for whatever reason I kept thinking about all the times that's happened in my life and hardly got any sleep. But yeah I did come to the conclusion if someone says something like that, then it could be a matter of them projecting themselves.

I have done some reading on manipulation and I can easily see how someone can be mistaken for it. I think anyone who reads about it and takes it too seriously will accuse anyone of it who has problems and even normal people too. I think that is if they are very paranoid people, they may assume anyone is manipulating them.

Only idiots do that. Cool people try to work out what you mean. It's possible to manipulate idiots into understanding you - in fact I'm reaching the conclusion that it's necessary. Would never do that with cool people though. Find the cool people!

Well that kind of manipulation is good....in my opinion, but when it comes to trying to manipulate someone for my own gain at their expense, I don't typically do that. Like I am not going to try to guilt someone into doing something for me, I might have a difficult time with expressing my thoughts and seem to be kinda beating around the bush for instance......which some people seem to assume is a sign of tying to get attention or manipulate....but I have AS so I'm not a perfect at social communication.

Everyone plays everyone. Accusing someone of it is a power play.

that's just what I'm talking about though I actually don't play people and I know others who don't play people...I do my best to try and communicate with people, and I like to interact with friends and such but I don't see the point in 'playing' people just to get what I want regardless of their feelings nor would I be entertained by doing so.

So it upsets me when I get accused of those kinds of things, because well its not me, so it makes me feel misunderstood.

Everyone plays everyone. Doesn't have to be conscious. The best at it appear to have not thought about it. So you aren't being accused because you're unusually manipulative, you're being accused because someone wants to keep you down.

I guess, I just don't see how I play anyone.....as I pretty much make a point not to, though if we get technical I'd say social communication in its self is manipulation so in that sense maybe everybody plays everybody.

but then there are those who do go out of their way to manipulate/play people for their own gain regardless of if it harms the person its directed at.....its that I don't want to be lumped into.

Everyone who is manipulative thinks that everybody else is doing it too, and will read manipulative motives into completely innocent things. They will also view any argument to the contrary to be an attempt at manipulation as well. They probably view it as a feint or something.

Basically, most people believe that everybody else is very much like them. A lot more than they actually are. Evil people believe everyone is evil, selfish people believe everyone is selfish, good people believe everyone is good (at heart), and manipulative people believe everyone is manipulative.

So no. Not everyone plays everyone, but anyone accusing you of being manipulative are probably manipulators themselves.

I'm not sure if they actually believe that everybody is a manipulator, or if that claim is just another ploy to get what they want. Either way, you shouldn't let it affect you. It reflects on them, not you.

Well then I am confused as to whether or not I am a good person......lol since I don't think everyone is necessarily good at heart, though I don't think people are born totally evil or anything as that's kinda ridiculous. But anyways a lot of what you posted is what I was kinda thinking with the whole projecting thing. Which makes some instances where that is the case not as upsetting I suppose...I don't really know how to not be effected at all though.

The childhood saying "It takes one to know one" is true.

Most people are generally just mindless scum who judge others by their own motivations.

I think people must accuse others of being manipulative because they feel manipulated for some reason. It has no bearing on whether that was really your intent. Or it seems that if you're in a lot of emotional distress and someone else can't deal with it they turn and point the finger at you as if they think you're purposely trying to bring them down or make them feel guilty. It always seems really unfair and tends to make me actually feel bitter and angry towards them and fulfill their prophecy so they can claim I felt that way from the beginning even though I didn't and initially just wanted support. I don't really know what to do but try not to let that kind of train wreck even get started by avoiding such people when I'm not in a good mood. Some people are just better at understanding and being supportive than others so you seek out the people who can and avoid the ones who can't and try not to take it personally.

I'm not sure it's always because they are manipulative though. It may be more along the lines of them not being able to handle the fact that you're distressed or negative and making wrong assumptions. Mentioning anything regarding suicide also freaks some people out and they go out and assume it's some kind of emotional blackmail when it was more just an expression of extreme frustration with your life.

In any case, most of the time when people really are being manipulated and played they don't even notice it's happening. They may even take pleasure in it because they feel like they're getting special attention. That's not something I'm really capable of doing. It's what politicians and salespeople and people with the sociopath mindset do.

I think autistics can make very effective arguments on controversial subjects but this can become a problem. An effective argument forces the listener either to change their opinion or accept the fact that they are fools. People really don't want to change their opinions about their cherished beliefs but at the same time they are annoyed because they can't rationally defend their opinions any longer.