In need of desperate help,

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Hi,

im posting on here because im getting worried about ymself and dont know what to do.
i have no family no friends basically and everyone keeps turning me away, even my own mother.

i have been a bit suicidal since 15 and have had major depressive disorder for a very long time, am also on the spectrum.
i have lived through a life a child should never have to live through, my mind and my soul is tortured because of it now,
i have been waiting my whole life for things to get better, and it just seems to keep going backwards.
i found love a couple of years ago and thought it was finally my chance to live some of the care free life that i see others so oftenly take for granted.
but we have been having more problems in the last year then ever, it just seems everything seems to crumble no matter which direction i take or how i take it,
as of the last month, my thoughts have gone insane, i have become completely lifeless, i havent eaten the last 2 weeks basically only had 3.5 hours sleep every night the past 2 weeks,
i dont have any emotion for anything really anymore. im completely disappointed with what life ive been given, i give and give and never receive, i let my all out, and get no response,
i cant do this anymore, i feel like a shadow, already with the spirits watching all around me.
im starting to lose my mind, i cant think properly, cant find anything cant search for anything, even in my brain, i can barely hold a smile, and my whole life i have worn one every day i walk outside of the house.
i just dont want to feel anything anymore, nothing is worth it when what i will get back will be so much worse.
i have made my poems to leave ready for the night if things go for worse, i have found the information i need to know about how to go, im ready and im prepared.
it hurts for me to read this and to see all my memories flash by my eyes, nothing good that can really be seen, surrounded by only bad,
i want and need to know if there is any way out of this horrible mess, because in the end, they say "you leave all feeling with guilt" well the guilts there for a reason, it shows you could have done more, but just proves how too busy everyone was to spare a breath even a a helping hand, im trying to make sense of this insane world.

i dont feel im going to last much longer, theres got to be some light somewhere in this tunnel.

the national suicide hotline is 1-800-273- talk.

The Australian number for a suicide hotline is 13 11 14.

The important thing now is, don't do ANYTHING till someone can talk to you. Depression is not just a bad mood, it permeates every thought and feeling you have. It's not your fault, and it's not a problem you can, or should, solve by yourself. This number is only a first step to getting help, but it's a step you have to take. Don't trust your feelings right now, just find someone to talk to.

...... if thats the only type of post im going to get then, i can see where things are headed already,
alls i have been dealt is crap by every psychologist doctor agency, all of them doing nothing but their job, because this is the world in our days, posts like this are not going to be helpful, its not hard for me myself to type up and search it in google, i didnt ask for lifeline numbers and would greatly appreciate none of such.
we dont care about our own, all there is, war, fights, lies, mistrust, deceipt, betrayal... all i ever saw when i was a young child was a peaceful world, where everyone cared for one another, and did there best with concern, they didnt take things for granted, until it was too late, they wer there for one another, through thick and thin,

thats all lies, this world is nothing to what i expected, it disgusts me, everyone is on their own in the end. the only way for a perfect world would be if we wer free of emotions.

posted hoping to find someone understanding and could give a helping hand,
the other night was too close a call, im not sure it will be the same this next time round

Agree with OP
Never trust your feelings when depressed! Depression changes how you feel about your self and perceives the world. You will probably interpret the actions of other persons more negative than they are intended.

When going through several depressions, it is possible to learn to cope better (my experience). Among things to learn is the knowledge that when depressed you can not trust your feelings and you do not have to stick to desicions made while depressed.

Helle

Please, try talking to someone about how you feel - a doctor, or a helpline for example - to help you to take a step towards the light at the end of the tunnel. Because there is a light there, even if you can't see it right now. I know you don't really want this advice, but please think about it. Reading your post made me think - this person needs to get themselves some help - hence my advice.

I'm not sure what sort of reply you are looking for, to be honest. I know from experience that it can be horrible to feel alone and suicidal - I had a very close call myself last winter and it scared me so much. So you have my empathy and my understanding, if that helps at all.

In my case, I sought help, spoke to my doctor and basically said that I couldn't carry on like that, and I got referred to the Community Mental Health Team for therapy to get me through. I also take anti-depressants to control my mood and help me cope day-by-day. Depression will always be part of my life, but I try my utmost not to let it rule my life, if that makes sense.

i have the hospitals number ready for if i get another unbearable feeling shortly again, its been here for a month and just keeps getting worse, normally i can try snap out, and find my love for music stronger than anything, but that hasnt helped, have talked to 2 friends and have been suggested to go to the mental health in hospital if things get worse, so i have promised for him i will, i have been trying to hold it together and it just seems to have gotten a whole lot worse since leaving home,

thank you for your comment sacrip, i will be waiting every chance i get, i have heard easiest put that depression is basically the sate of seeing everything "for what it really is"
the only way it has effected my thoughts and feelings so far, is reminding me of every memory, i have an amazing memory, and have basically had no good ones, which is why im in such my harsh spot, im really believing more and more so that i should book myself into the ward for a bit, not as a bad thing, but to get some help because no one should have to live like this, its horrible. but i feel if i dont ring the mental ward things are really going to turn for the worse.

it hurts so much to not be able to smile,

i should mention, that the scary part, is that im on my meds, and have been taking them since last year,
my partner atm,is making sure im ok daily as he understands with the life i have lived that, no matter how much someone says, "your wrong" he knows in the end he knows im correct,
i cant live by myself, i need a carer/support, its taken me 3 years to finally get diagnosed and a little bit of help, but so far, theres been nothing done,
a family(consists of 3 people in my whole country) who wants nothing to do with me, i almost died last year, and my mother didnt care at all, she just said well learn your lesson. friends dont ever talk to me, unless i send a text, and normally there busy or i have to always see them. therefore, it doesnt really happen, apart from when my partner talks to them.
i just want people to understand tis not a typical case, i dont have all much to fall back on, which is why i want to see how others have coped and what made them think twice, properly, and really find the love in "life", because she hasnt shown me her beauty yet and i have been waiting my whole life to see her,

Well I don't really have a solution for this......but I can relate to how you feel, I've been depressed for a very long time and even now I am having a hard time seeing what the point in continuing is. Main thing I can really suggest is try and put to use whatever coping methods you have that help, it varies with people though. I know that for me though just some relief from the depression helps. But yeah I never remember not being depressed....not sure from your post but I am getting the impression that you've had depression quite long as well.. anyways I wish I could be more helpful.

Oh and is there anyone IRL you can talk to at all that helps?....if not I certainly recommend posting here, I know sometimes responses don't seem very helpful but sometimes people can really understand and will have good advice to offer and sometimes I find just venting a little helpful........this is a good place for it if no ones around to talk to. And I try and do my best to respond and at least be understanding though I don't always have much in the way of advice.

Hmm just a thought but maybe you should talk to your doctor about the meds......I mean if they aren't helping they could even be making symptoms worse. So you might want to look into that. I experienced some bad effects from Prozac so I know it can happen and sometimes certain drugs don't work for certain people.

You need to see someone for your deep depression, perhaps even as an in patient. Tell the doc your meds are not working. Also tell the doc you are not getting enough sleep. Sleep deprivation aggravates depression, and other conditions. Good luck.

my meds work great for me, normally, so im thinking im going to up them aswell, thanks for your advice and such guys