Im ready to die.

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Well. I lashed out at my best friend on Saturday (NT). Granted she has and still is my best friend. We have been best friends for 8 years almost 9 and no matter what i do i seem to lash out at her for no apparent reason when i get tired of having her at my house. I Feel like i cant do anything right in her eyes though we both think its an error in perception. Im tired of being a compulsive perfectionist and compulsive apologizer. I keep telling her to leave because im afraid ill lash out at her again, and she doesn't deserve that. I tell everyone who's close to me to leave because lord only knows when ill lash out. Im sick of being alive on this planet cuz at any given moment i go from being really happy to feeling lower than hell itself. Im tired of my agoraphobia and social anxiety which doesn't allow me to get out of my room without pills cuz I get HORRIBLE panic attacks. My best friend deserves better than me and i have trouble with her saying she won't leave due to horrible past experiences with friendships. She's NT and im Aspie btw. Im just ready to die because i have low self esteem and don't see anything good about myself. I take antidepressants and stuff but they don't seem to work.

don't kill yourself
call the doctor or tell your pernets as you need help

Second time just today saying this.

Jungian.

Psychodynamic.

Therapist.

Go. Now. You will feel immediate relief from being able to say anything you want out loud and simultaneously have a new friend AND intelligent, rational, educated person to observe/help/talk to you/understand you/be impartial/be on your side when necessary etc.

Drugs don't work. Rather - drugs don't work when the thing they attempt to fix is not in need of fixing.
That was the case with me.

Anti-depressants did a BIG FAT NOTHING for me. No-thing.

The freeing environment of Jungian Psychodynamic Therapy did/does wonders. (People will inevitably get sick of me saying this, but I don't care at all. If I can help someone with what helped me, I'll do it.)

You don't have to the only observer of the inside of your mind. You can have a co-observer in there with you, experiencing all your fears/hopes/idiosyncrasies/neuroses/impressions/reactions/worries/silly thoughts/memories etc. Someone who is on your side, but also impartial and knowledgeable. You gotta find the right one though. The first one you try might not be right for you...

LAST BUT NOT LEAST
Just because you are 'ready to die' right now, does not mean you will be ready to die tomorrow, or next week, or next year or every day of the future of your life.
It might not FEEL like there is another option, but there is ALWAYS another option. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS.
At the very least, I will be here tomorrow, waiting to read your reply so I can reply back. You need to be around for that.

ALSO
LET ME TELL YOU ONE GOOD THING ABOUT YOU (since you said you couldn't see any)
You are nice and empathetic enough to see how you affect the people around you. You don't like some of the ways you affect the people around you because you CARE about them. You are a compulsive apologizer (your words) which means that you feel bad for things you do (even when you have nothing to be sorry for).

So: you are NICE, CARING, EMPATHETIC, REMORSEFUL after (perceived) wrongdoing.

I don't even know you and I can tell those things.

I would echo the sentiments of mmcool.

Your friend clearly sees something in you. If you are so awful, why does she keep coming back? She sounds like a wonderful person and I think despite all of the challenges you face, you still meet her emotional needs.

Perhaps the reason she doesn't leave is because she understands you. She knows it's your anxiety that is lashing out, not you.

Anyway, I would talk to your doctor. Your meds don't appear to be doing much good and I am sure there are a lot of other things you can try.