seeking redemption

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I'm still at the olympic trials in oregon. A nothing spectator to so many beautiful, perfect athletes who are achiecing greatness and adoration, and many are younger than me.

I think of my life, and it is one of mediocrity. Merely good grades, went to average schools because I couldn't afford or didn't get into. The films I've made haven't gone anwhere and I work in obscurity for a nothing production company.

I sat in those stands at the stadium feeling uttlery anonymous and worthless...I once aspired for the olympics, but I just kept getting injured. God blessed some with beauty and athletic grace...he gave most the ability to socialize and to find love.

So as it stands I'm a sub human...unable to connect to others, unlikeable for who I am. I've never found love nor will I ever.

My only chance is to do something great. To make up for my failings, to show people there is something beyond the dork without the ability to socialize normally. To show I am worthy of love. To offset my weaknesses.

I've got to make a great film, a great work of art. I've got to find redemption and get my place in the spotlight, to know I am being thought of with love and affection and admiration.

If it is my fate to be anonymous, mediocre, if I have no gifts,...I'd rather kill myself now than live a life without accomplishment, danmed to wacth the beautuful people get all the love and affection. I want to throw this piece of junk back in god's face and say "f**k you" to Him.

MY dad said maybe I should focus on living vicariously through others, by being a teacher and influencing others to great things. f**k that. I won't be a stepping stone to someone else's success.

I will achiece greatness. I will do something to redeem my flawed state and earn love and friendship. Or swallow some pills and end the mediocrity and the failure for good.

I can relate to what you're saying.

There would hardly be enough of the species left for it to be viable if everyone thought like that. The world is not divided into the great and the worthless. It's mostly somewhere in between.

Being in the spotlight has nothing to do with love, at all.

I can also relate, but you can't buy love through accomplishment.
If you want to achieve greatness, do it for yourself, not for other people, not for god.

Perhaps your father was right. You seek redemption for yourself but are unwilling to give it to others. Maybe help to repair the down-trodden and lowliest of society, and your idea of redemption will change such that in this way you too are redeemed. Success is what it is evaluated to be by the individual, not some rigidly-defined condition. Hell, I could duel a man and shoot myself if I believe that robbing him of the satisfaction of killing me was success enough, even if I end up dying.

None of us is a subhuman. We are part of the evolution, better adapted to a changed environment and altered conditions than many of the NT's. Their typical traits like procreating without rhyme or reason were necessary in order to spread the human race and cause a variety in the genome, but look at the downside, the mess and extensive destruction their traits have also caused.

The current step in evolution is integration and cooperation and if you think about it, who does actually know the person who has programmed the routines of their computer? Take Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, two icons of the computer age, and then the millions of unknown people who do the jobs and keep the wheel spinning.

Throughout history there have been very few outstanding people, but nonetheless everyone can succeed by simply testing their lines and then continuously expanding them.

If you achieve greatness, as you state it, yes, some people will pay attention and perhaps even admire you, but countless others will criticize and belittle you and your achievements, and if only out of envy. Become the best person you can be, that's lasting and more rewarding than other people's attention.

Do you have links to where someone can watch your films? Thanks.

And oh, if it helps, I'm a screenwriter. Maybe you just need a good script? <hint, hint!>

(Thread moved from Autism discussion to The Haven)

You've got to stop seeing yourself as 'less than' and start to concentrate on your strengths. Celebrate your achievements and think of all of the things in your life you have to be thankful for. You're healthy and intelligent and you have a good job. ( related to your field of interest? Are there possibilities for networking there?) Change your definition of success! Being famous isn't the only way to find fulfillment in life. And MANY artists didn't succeed when they were young. Many artists didn't find success in their lifetime. You have to persevere.

I'm about to head home, after a week of seeing so many beautiful people achieve their olympic dreams and receive the love and adoration of thousands.

I'm sick of being anonymous, and I'm gonna do something about it. I though I worked hard before but the past is all waste. I'm going to work three times as hard. Forsake all other endeavors. Forsake dating, forsake all things not devoted to work and the goal of achieving for myself some beautiful to give to the world. I'll be remembered with love and affection. I'm going to be prolific and makes so many works of art as a filmmaker until one of them sure becomes a popular hit, a award winner.

It's succeed or I'll down a bottle of aspirin, to do the whole world a favor and remove a mediocrity from it, who didn't deserve life.

you're in Oregon? where abouts?

I'm a born and raised Oregonian, Portland area.