Hello everyone. I am here and back on my meds. I feel very guilty about my upsetting meltdown here as well as worry I have given my parents. I feel like any words I could type up really wouldn't do justice to the kind of things going on in my head at the time. I had one of my biggest meltdowns ever in well life and I am very blessed I did not run into a policeman while making my escape across the freeway or there is a good chance I would have attacked out of paranoid fear and I would be dead.
My mind is more sound now but I am in a very depressed stupor, probably induced from whatever caused my meltdown and my own chemistry being f****d with from not taking my meds. I initially assumed I would be ok since I had read about others who had flushed their meds as a way of defiance but I had no idea I would be effected so severely. Of course my major bout of mania began soon after I stopped so I don't really put the blame on them.
I have a therapist appointment coming up on the 12th and lots of very personal things will be said. Lots of deep, personal words were said to my mom, many secrets were revealed, embraced and accepted.
I am sorry for selfishly behaving here and worrying so many people. I truly feel shame for the fact that so many people do care. I checked back here days ago and was rather shocked to see several PMs and a topic about me. It took me awhile to muster up courage to read my PMs, I am very sensitive and was expecting laughs or accusations of racism(Planet Africa). I learned that the WP community is very accepting and warm, hardly anyone mocked me during my weakest moment.
A lot is going on around my own home, things more appropriate to tell a trained professional. The good news is that my sister and boyfriend, who were creating lots of problems for us, both financially and mentally are now gone. A lot is worrying me now, my mom, my closest ally in the world, is undergoing constant paint, my biggest reprieves from depression are those times I can get in the car with her to do errands and talk. She's had a lot of health problems and has been trying to get her uterus removed to make her up up and able. I fear so much something happening to her. My sister has proven she is the same as she has always been, what I call a "taker", from an evolutionary standpoint the taker is the one who wins. Things like religion deter us from living a life of being wanton takers and exploiters and while I am not pious at all nor religious I enjoy philosophy and some stories of the bible (not the stuff with burning sodomites and daughters sold into prostitution mind you). For example, the Brothers Karamazov is a wonderful, brilliant book but even it has traces of antisemitism that was the "cool" thing of the 1800s.
My sister just takes, takes, takes, exploits, exploits, like an insect and my parents take her back despite she all she does. I haven't told this forum the full extent of what she's done through her late teenage and adult years to all of us, but is very upsetting. My parents love her and I was frustrated so much at how they do nothing, outright ignore me and then only later say "Neueziel..you were right the whole time.". She had to leave, not because of my mania, but because our landlord said that we had 2 people living here ,free of charge and we would be evicted if they didn't do (they'd been here a month). Also the boyfriend's boat was blocking the way for some tractors, you see we live in the country and there is a big field across the road and another adjacent to our house, past a copspe of trees. There is a car sized opening between this copse that tractors go through during the summer. We were
stricly warned NOT to park vehicles here and adhered to this rule until my sister came.
The first week my sister was nice, second week she got meaner and the boyfriend was more taciturn. By the last two weeks we were prisoners in all our rooms with nothing to do. Nothing mattered. Even my episode was nothing to her, rest assured me freaking out had nothing to do with her finally leaving. And when she did, after all my parents had done for her, all the money sacrificed (were not rich at all) and hardships we provided while she used my folks cash to buy her boyfriend alcohol she cursed us all, said I controlled everything and needed to be gone and that none of us would ever see her baby.
I could talk more about my own break down, which occurred a few days prior to this. I'm back on my medicine but I just feel very strange, new thoughts have gone through my mind and I have had a hard time doing the things I use to do in my routine. I read some today..so I'm getting there. I try to talk as much as possible to Mom, but I just don't know what will happen if she doesn't get better. I really feel alone and more often than not I wish I was a beautiful bird with gorgeous plumage that people would stare at and love without question.
I talked to mom about my older sister, I said "Mom, you do so much for me but I realized something today. When people think of relationships they think like this:
a boy wants a really cute girl or at least companionship, closeness and a girl in return in a relationship wants the aggressor, the bold one, the confident one because all relationships with a male who is down on himself are doomed to failure. The same can be said for both sides. Both sides want fire. I'm water.
Take me for example, I'm no saint, I'm hardly perfect, but like I said, I'm water, my sister is fire. My sister acts cruely and selfishly without thinking, she lies and takes, takes, takes. She has no love for me out of jealousy that has existed since I was born. My mother always, secretly claimed to me she loved me more because we were more alike in behavior, temperament, tastes and whatnot. I told her that in reality she is more drawn toward my sister, that when she is around I am forgotten completely and I am in no way allowed to question her or speak out for her terrible behavior. When/if I do I get yelled at by her AND threatened by my dad. By nature, my parents, despite what they want, love my sister more and its not. I don't say these words out of self pity "BOOHOO NO ONE LOVES NEUE ZIEL", its just a realization that shook me one night.
The term alpha is used a lot by guys who angrily talk about the confident dudes with the pretty, desirable girls. Well, I personally don't like terms like alpha,beta, ladder theory etc but during I realized my sister is an alpha female and it doesn't just apply to relationships. My sister is a taker and will always prevail. She is a predator and I am week, its all fine when she's not here, I can read, do math, paint, garden but then she comes, like kudzu. She controls my family, all the food in our refrigerator becomes replaced by coarse junk food and all order vanishes. In my own house I am questioned and drilled on JUST WHY am I doing math in the kitchen at 3 am. I can't defend myself or else she will scream at me, make me wince and in
hurl painful insults at me. If I yell back at her (which I'm not good at ) my dad wakes up and changes from my friend and advocate to enemy, telling me that I'm "worse" than my sister and other things. I think our big fight the one he punched me and mom threatened me with sending me to a group home really caused some of my marbles to go. My parents have always been smart, educated people. It hurts me watching how much power my sister exercises and they can do nothing. Especially now.
When my sister came to visit I made a prediction: she will stay with us for as long as possible, behave nicely for a week, bum cigarettes off my mom, cook, make a mess, enjoy herself and get treated like she's at a hotel, especially due to her pregnancy. Then finally, when she does leave, it will be on angry terms where she promises to never let us see her baby or anything. In fact the first week my sister was here we talked about my autism, my meds and how I felt with people and other stuff and she said she and the boyfriend would take me to the lake on the fourth of July to see fireworks. I don't want to see her now, but it looks like I'll be spending another year in my bedroom just reading books. I'm also sure she won't come to see me on my soon coming birthday yet she will call, hurl insults and curse my parents when no one gives her tons of tribute on her own birthday. That's my sister.
I could tell you all more things, not just related to my sister, but this post has gone on long enough. I am alive and well, I do feel pangs of suicide but I have before in my life and I'm sure once my meds kick back in I'll be a bit better, plus I have a therapist appointment to look forward to. I actually didn't get to go to my last one in June because my sister used all the gas in our car. So I haven't been to my therapist in two months.
Thank you everyone for caring so much. I feel bad making suicidal posts because I know they are frowned upon by the forum and some people probably view me as an attention whore, but I have some dignity and few people to talk to so if I exploded that badly obviously something is wrong in my head. Give me the benefit of the doubt. It won't happen again..or at least I'll try not to.
Also the knife is gone. There is a high chance I will get an increased dosage of whatever I am on. Some people view med pushing as a sign of weakness, but we're all different and like my mom said, my meds, during my good moments, helped my reach toward my true potential.
04 Jul 2012, 1:05 pm
