Sometimes I wish I never spoke.

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I chat excessively. I know this, I have been told this and I have been mistreated and insulted because of this and yet, its like I can't stop and when I finally do and get super quiet and figure now there will be peace, I get labeled as moody broody or mad or ungrateful, whatever.

Well yesterday was a good day, we had a really good festival of lugh on our druid grove, we ate well, and I was happy, so I was humming and singing softly to myself when we got home as I began to get comfortable for the rest of the night and my roomate went "__ honey just shut up". I felt horrid because I was doing it softly, because I was happy and I had this frank sinatra song stuck in my head. So I shut up, did not act upset, found something else to do.

I thought today had been a good day too. I tried to conversate on topic (i did not mention my own interests ONCE today), Even though I felt like utter crap. I woke up vomiting and with a real upset stomach with irregular bowel movements. I have been in pain all day and half the night prior.

Well on the ride home at the end of the day my roomate looks at me and says, "You know you did nothing but what you said you did not want to do all day. You did not let me finish a thought all day and I did not say anything about it today because I thought maybe me saying things and getting upset would help you realize and motivate you to change but you treat me like crap, no matter what. Its kind of sad to feel like I can't talk."

I was so blown away, I did not what to say. I did not cut her off mid sentence, and how was I supposed to know she wasn't done thinking? Like I can read minds? It was worse than usual because I had put a great deal of effort into being socially polite and even tried to hold eye contact, and this is were it gets me. Why does it bother me so much?

Why do I bother to try to have friends at this point? She doesn't think its rude to talk to me the entire time I am trying to do homework, or singing, or asking me to get stuff or do stuff for her, but gets mad if i am busy READING homework and do not look up at her when she talks. God this is frustrating. When she does homework I cant tell her s**t, well when she used to, I do that now a days. Yeah I am still doing it and its my damn fault, because I do not want arguments.

not to mention that they made me hold/try a kiwi, a fruit that frightens the s**t out of me. I hate the feel of Kiwi, they had me pick them up and put them in the grocery bag at the store and I burst into tears. their claim, if i did not try it I would not get over it. I was like you don't get it it feels WRONG, they did not listen.

Just had to let out some steam so I can get back to homework.

Well does she know you have Asperger's? Usually if someone thanks I'm being a jerk or too unwavering i'll just mention that to them. Than they typically act more understanding.

Talked to her about it, she said it was BS not AS. I am "social" and "intelligent" and "artistic" and spoiled etc. Last time I tried to have a legitimate conversation about it she said she was disgusted that I would use such an excuse. Like I was trying to excuse my behavior. She thinks is bs when I tell her that I honestly had no idea I cut off her "thought discussion" or whatever. even tho she was there when i had my initial ppd nos dx, prob is that when we moved i had to go to free clinic that said i had only depression maybe and then ssi denied me, she said i must have been lying. specially because i got a general psych test and they asked me stupid questions that i could answer such as who was the president and did i bevel cars had religion. -_-