Suddenly have depression sprung down over me

Post Reply New Topic

I've been OK for the last few weeks, but suddenly I've got this horrible depression back again. It's making me feel confused and wondering what I'm actually depressed about. Then I suddenly feel rather happy and just want to hug everyone and show how much I love them, then about 5 or 10 minutes later I suddenly feel all down again and just want to cry.

My cousins growing up makes me feel depressed aswell. I feel like I don't want my cousins to grow up. One of my cousins has just turned 16, and I remember the day he was born and he was always such a happy, sociable child. Now he's turned into a surly teenager who just prefers to be out with his mates. He's always hated girls, but now I've seen on Facebook that a couple of girls wanted to kiss him. I know this is normal for most NTs to change in their teens, but I can't seem to deal with it. I don't really want any of my younger cousins to have partners and relationships, I just want them all to be sweet little innocent children again, but I know I can't stop them from growing up, and I'm hoping these strange feelings will pass in a couple of years time, once I'm established to having most of my cousins being grown up.

Also I can't get over how shy I am. I seem to be getting worse and worse. I go to a social group on Wednesdays, for people with psychological conditions (besides AS, not sure if there are any other Aspies there or not) but I haven't really said two words to anyone yet, and this is my fifth time I'm going. Maybe it will take time and I might come out of my shell, but it doesn't seem to be happening at the moment. I don't seem to get anywhere in social situations. It makes me feel so miserable, and I worry about what this will mean once I finally get into paid employment, and later on in life (I do voluntary work, but I'm so ridiculously shy there too).

As usual, I am extremely depressed right now too. All I can suggest is working out. When I can be bothered doing it, it seems to be the only thing that can stir any semblance of positivity in me.

I get those ups and downs from one minute to the next-most of the time I am mildly depressed and hate that I see young people out having a good time with each other and I feel cheated that I am older and not that young and cant now have that youthful fun with people of that age-I feel cheated because I did not know what was wrong with me.

I just really don't know why making social errors is so scary, but to me it is, and I am shy because I avoid making social errors. I don't want people thinking I'm a bit odd.

I'm also depressed because I keep thinking people don't want me around. When I visited my friends at a market stall last year, we only chatted for about 5 minutes, then one of them said, ''so...are you going to go and get something to eat and that now?'' And I think they were implying that they didn't really want me standing there with them. Although I am not that bad at having conversations or making eye contact or listening and relating to other people, I still think there is something others have that I don't, making people not wanting me around them for too long. If that was anybody else seeing them at their market stall and talking to them, I bet they'll be there chatting for hours.

This is so hurtful because I don't want to be this way. I want social skills that come more naturally to me, and to not appear odd to other people. I don't like being an odd person. I hate it. I look at other people around me, and I know NTs can be odd sometimes, they still get socially accepted so they must be doing something right, even the ones who are a bit odd or even shy. But then when I see other people talking, I don't sound much different to them, especially with small talk. But I suppose neuology and one's behaviour is a very complex thing, you could be acting like everybody else but still be different. What a shame the human mind has to be like this.