I am convinced people can be broken and beyond repair

Post Reply New Topic

I happen to be one of them. I wanted to find a woman that I respected and could love. I wanted to devote myself to starting a family, to prove to myself that it can be done right. A family where the parents don't hate each other, become unfaithful and use the children in a struggle for control. One where the children understand what respect is and don't resent everything that isn't theirs. One where nobody tells each other to get the f*ck out and then accuse each other of being *ssholes. I wanted to be a mechanical engineer and provide for my family.

But I am broken. It takes almost nothing to get me thinking of suicide. Every semester I think about it. Anytime I'm not in school I think about it. Even if I don't think about it I am defective. I am a complete social misfit. I grew up in an area which on average, is the highest earning in all the US. You don't find any social misfits here. Yet somehow I am one.

No woman worth having would want to be with a neurotic suicidal loner. I've never asked a girl out yet I keep imagining how my would be wife comments on how much of a failure I am. Someone who even thinks these sorts of things can't be worth her time. I know I'm smart enough to get through engineering classes, but professional engineers need to have good communication and people skills, which are my weakest areas. In some ways I am far too selfish to get married, and yet in others I try to make everyone else satisfied, regardless of my own needs.

I am too sensitive to pressure and crack at the slightest failure. I have been told to just "pick yourself up by the bootstraps and keep going", I have been told how sorry people feel for me, and I have seen many other attempts to justify life or make it seem worth living. But as it stands I don't see why life is worth it. I don't even see why I wanted a family. I do not want to keep living for the sake of being alive, and I do not want pity. I don't think I'll ever be able to shake the sense of inferiority I've developed.

all men are created equal - thomas jefferson. just because you feel inferior doesn't men that you are. you're giving up on life when you've barely started. could you be suffering from depression?

Sweet Pea hugs

I'm going to level with you:

You're never going to have the life that they have. They're never going to understand why you just can't seem to get it the way they do. For them it works, so it must work for you, so it must be your fault, is their logic.

In reality, it never will work for you the way it does for them. Depressing? Possibly. But before you get all suicidal, recognizing and addressing this reality would be beneficial. You seem to be stuck in the "why can't I be like them and why can't they see what I'm going through?" rut.

I'm going to tell you now, you're never going to be like them, ever. And they're never going to understand or be able to help you, ever.

Though that might sound bleak on the surface, think of it for a minute. If you can recognize that you'll never have what they have, then their meaningless advice and suggestions will be nothing to actually aspire to, because they won't work for you. So all that talk about bootstraps, etc. can just roll right off your back, as you know it doesn't apply to you.

The reason you're depressed, in part, is because you're secretly hoping and wishing that maybe you can be like them, and want so badly to be. But you're not. You never will be. Sad? Yes. But once accepted, once it sinks in, once you realize it's beyond your grasp, then not being able to attain it won't matter, because it's unattainable for you. I guess the hard part is seeing others get it so easily, and all of them assuming that it must be you who is doing something wrong. Again, they're blissfully ignorant. They don't get it. And once you understand this, you'll see how meaningless their advice is, and how futile and waste of an effort it is to try to emulate them.

If they allow themselves to run themselves over and just think that way... yes they probably are beyond helping.
However, maybe your being too critical of yourself and expecting... instead of letting it go and just being yourself.

I am a firm believer of chance encounters. Imagine you only meet a specific woman once, it could very well be that in 5+ years you'd have a house with childeren and a dog with that woman, but all it requires is the introduction. If you don't try you won't succeed. I know it's hard to "try", i am still manning up myself to ask people out i like but i know someday i will. You need to keep up hope and keep trying..

Also something to consider.. do you want to be with a woman who doesn't accept you for who you are? I know i wouldn't. I rather take one "average" looking NICE girl over 3.000 stuck up beauty queens.