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These are questions from a moment when I'm feeling especially depressed and full of questions.


Why do I seem to have to face so many more hardships than those around me?
I was picked on severely when I was a child, mental abuse not physical except for the time they stole my bike, weekly I was betrayed by those that I thought were friends just because the class had turned against me once again. All those who picked on me were invited to my birthday parties because my parents never knew and played happily, just to crush my hopes once again when I got back to school.

I never told my parents because they faced more hardships and could do without me and my petty problems, so out of concern for them I just tried to endure it all. Eventually it led to me becoming an adult who has aspergers syndrome and no friends together with a severe concentration problem.
For years on end I tried hard to become like everyone else to be what everyone else wanted, in every class I've been in since middle school I've been a liked guy, everyone was okay with me and could occasionally laugh with me but none of them ever became a friend even though I tried so hard, I helped, I listened, I worked and I hid away the real me in a tiny box because he would have never been accepted and because I couldn't go through something like that again.

I always worked hard for everything but I ended up with nothing, nothing at all.
Now I'm in college and it's the same thing all over again but the difference is that I'm spent, I'm burned out. I can't give the same effort for school anymore or for much else, I spent most of my energy on trying to be social and trying to have friends, but none of it worked.

Why is it that so many can have that which I want without having to work so hard?
Why can they have it all so easily?
Why can they be scar free while I have a hole in my heart?

Time and time again I tried just to be shot down again, why does it have to be so hard?


I worked hard my whole life just to end up being a 19 year old without a social life or friends whose failing his college classes and has to repeat his first year, who on top of it all is unable to show any emotion unless he's reading or writing.

Why the hell can the guy who comes from a rich family have all the friends he wants and the girl I like.
Why is it that he doesn't have to work for anything to just end up getting everything?


I already know that these are just my own perceptions and that reality is far different from the image that I'm sketching, that everyone has difficulties and that life is hard for everyone.

But why is it that most of the people around me seem to have it easier?
Why is it that when I end up telling my story to someone around me they say that they've never had to deal with anything that hard?




I'm sorry for the rant and for disturbing your evening but I'm just really depressed without being capable of crying and I needed a way to deal with these feelings.

You're 18 or 19. As you grow a little, it will become apparent that social adeptness is the most essential tool to success, more so than hard work or good deeds, etc. These people all dance to the same tune, and they reward those that dance with them.

With Asperger's, you don't know how to "dance," and it will never come easy for you. You're out of step with them, and always will be. But on the good side, accepting this means understanding that comparing yourself to them is a waste of time. You're a different breed from them, will never be able to dance to their tune, so stop worrying about trying to dance that way.

I think about the same things everyday....

Even if I dance my own dance it would just result in the same thing, I would still be alone even if I did so and I would probably be shunned since that is what happened when I danced my own dance when I was young

Once you lock onto your special interest groove you'll have the potential to buy yourself a nice big yacht to sail right through the sadness. Sorry, I couldn't resist coopting David Lee Roth. But he has wisdom for just being a rock singer. He also said that if you keep dancing your own dance despite the opposition, one day you'll be dancing them into the dirt.

On another thread someone mentioned a great line: 'I will find a way, or I will make a way'
Let this be your mantra

I always wonder about these things myself, TCs problems seem very similar to my own.

I'm older than TC, though I decline to say how old. But It's old enough that I feel that I have no real chance to be successful given the breadth of my problems. In many ways, I feel I'm leading a cursed life and have no recourse to change it. Most people tell me I'm full of s**t and that I'm simply lazy and/or apathetic. I feel they're wrong, although arguing with them does little good. Those people have drive and self-confidence, and never know what it's like to feel like every step you take involves dragging a mountain behind you. Besides, I learned a long time ago that what I want just simply doesn't matter.

Sorry if this seems dour, hopefully TC will find a way past this. I always hope and pray that no one ever has to go through the things I've experienced. I truly wish you the best, and everyone else who's life isn't going well. And those people who don't know what it's like to be like this. I envy them, I really do. I hope they never have to feel this way. No one should ever have to go through this.