Rant about bf's bipolar disorder

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It's night now where I live but I won't be able to sleep I'm afraid. Yet, I have stuff to do this week.

Wine-time. It's time for more wine. Luckily I have some left. I hate this type of self medication but my leg hurts of tiredom and I really want to sleep

See, I'm starting to cry. The idea of removing him from my life is so painful.

The sheer amount of things that are gone now.

I don't want them to be gone because of a completely stupid, ridiculous reason, complete misinterpretation and added drama!

As much as I hate to say it, I do understand. My years ago, I had someone that I loved very much who pulled stuff like this. I would stay up all night, crying, worrying and just wondering why it had to be so hard. I'd try to distract myself from dark, disturbing thoughts by losing myself in whatever TV program was on, while waiting for the phone to ring or my ICQ to click on, just so I'd know he was safe. We broke up, of course; he gave that lame "you deserve better" excuse. I remember thinking what a stupid load of malarkey that was. I'd lay on the floor and scream until I lost my voice. I remember those days, those feelings.

Something that helped me get through it was thinking, "It's not gone--it's just altered." Living "in the present" helped, too. Not thinking about what I was doing tomorrow or had done the day before. When it got easier to just be, it became less painful to look forward and then bearable to remember. But most of what helped was talking about how I felt, which is what you're doing right now.

I don't always say the right thing or the relevant thing, but I do care. I'll come back to this thread and read everything you have to say and I'll try to respond appropriately.

I'm bipolar and I've been through episodes like that before.

I don't know if he's trying to let you down gently or if he genuinely feels he's not good enough for you, but if you can get him to "freeze" you relationship status, that would probably be the best you can do for now. It sounds like he is having a long episode and it will probably several months to a couple years before will be in a position to have a healthy relationship.

Does he get mental health treatment? And does he drink much or do drugs?

It's quite early in the morning right now and I set my alarm clock to 12 am to get some sleep but I don't I will be able to. Living by the day is what I've been doing for some time now. Especially when I was with him, when he, during the 3-4 month course, gradually became more depressed. I suffered from physical pain at some point because I can't handle stress; due to the tension I think my muscles got aches, and I found myself often having attacks of hyperventilation and shallow breathing. I noticed how my symptoms were somatic when it occurred to me that I only have them when I'm with him.

Now, since 2 weeks, I rarely speak to him in any way. I've never had so little contact with him. I had to ask a mutual friend if he perhaps knew something about whatever he was doing or how stuff was going, and he didn't really have a clue. He's doing nothing at this point because his job's psychologist forced him to take a month off of work. I just know that he feels horrible, hellish and that he suffers from psychosis.

I want to talk to him in a face to face conversation, but perhaps I won't be getting it fast. So, just like past weeks, (when it became really really bad) I'm waiting for any kind of message. It sucks to be doing that, and it sucks even more when it's something pointless you get or indeed the same again story. He hasn't said a word about my suggestion yet- which I find the most workable and livable right now (it being: No/almost no contact until the worst of the worst has passed) and I hope he says something about it.

For his sake I hope it will soon pass... it gradually became worse during summer. It first seemed like a normal/average depression in the sense of symptoms and severity but it got completely out of hand. I don't know if it's of any relevance that he quit using antidepressants somewhere around February/March.

He's seeing a psychiatrist, but I don't really understand the situation. He exhibited many bad/psychotic signs so she gave him seroquel. Then, he'd go there again on the same day next week when he'd probably get a recipe for lithium and depakine. This appointment however didn't follow through. Apparently she said that he's in a too bad state and he's still on seroquel now which didn't seem to bring any improvement.

A friend saw him about a week ago and says he seems agitated, overly laughing, moving his hands all the time.

I don't understand why she cancelled the appointment, (well, according to him) and I know I'm definetely not a psychiatrist, but (inevitable but) when someone's becoming more intensely depressed to the point of hell and becoming more psychotic within days I'd figure he needs some better medicines! He has an appointment standing for somewhere next week and I hope that helps.

No drugs or abuse of alcohol.

And just for myself.... Without any clue of how he feels about alternative plans it's more difficult to let go of everything. The idea of a lot of things being gone forever is just so painful. We've been friends before for some years, and that that status will be back, at best, if he doesn't break off contact or do other silly things. I will miss him so much if he won't come to his senses.

So many good things will be gone. But first I need to know about how he feels about the freezing-plan, and my mother will call me today. I want to talk to someone, and to him.

He said he feels nothing but misery and despair. I feel so sorry for him. I really do.

He has a clear moment and agrees with my idea.

To me and my mother (I talked to her on the phone) it's becoming obvious that this situation cannot last. I won't, at this point, take any action to make it happen, because it is so against his wishes, but if someone does it I cannot blame him: Having him taken to a psychiatric hospital. My mother works in psychiatry and has done so for many years and she suspects that at some point, hospitalization is imminent.

I said he had a month off, forcefully. However, this period has ended and as a PhD graduate he's stuck with educational tasks and today he gave a new lecture. I know this because he texted me afterwards that it went bad. Of course! Go figure! (didn't say that to him) He shouldn't be working and it's of great importance that stress is being minimalized.

I'm going to the university's psychologist. I feel attending college is a challenge for me now, as I can hardly function. Some times during the day I feel ''not so well'' but kind of in the direction of ''neutral'' or ''calm''.

Within minutes that can change to ''emotional pain'' or ''very sad'' to the point that no matter where I am, I almost cry or just have to cry because I get overwhelmed by my feelings. Or I walk around for large parts of the day with a really bad feeling in my stomach, also and maybe mainly because of the ''almost but not yet''-break up. I can't get anything done and I feel really bad. I know I have stuff to do, but it just hurts too much.

I hope seeing the psychiatrist (I don't know what day) helps. I kept en will keep my promise of laying no burden on him and making no contact, he sought it himself a couple of times. It's hard because I want to ask a million things or express how I feel, but this is more important.

If it gets bad enough, you can call the cops and request a welfare check on him if you can state a case for it based on his comments actions, or inaction, and you can give a message to any doctor or therapist he's seeing, though they cannot tell to you about his case or admit they see him.

It's the middle of the night but I got a reply from his psychiatrist, whom I mailed, that she will make an emergency appointment.

I hope she won't mention that I was it who mailed her about his concerning behavior. I'm afraid he won't take it right.

But on the other hand: did or do I have any choice...? Let's see it this way:

You notice very disturbing behavior in someone you care about a lot. You know you have the options of a) calling the police and have him put in a hospital (I'm not sure if cops in my country, the Netherlands, will do just a check of whether he manages to.... survive, @John, English is my second language which is why I may be unclear sometimes) b) taking a less extreme step and contact his physician/psychologist/psychiatrist, c) do nothing.

B seems the best. And you can only do what seems sincerely the best to you.

My mother will be calling again tomorrow and I'm happy about that.

I suspected you weren't in the US but I wasn't sure where. Trying to discuss health systems in different countries tends to be problematic for a lot of people, but In my opinion, contacting their doctor was probably the best way to go. I've done that for someone I was concerned about before and it worked out great! Unless he gives you reason to cops, you have done everything you reasonably can!

I must warn you, however, that he most likely will not be happy about being put under pressure or forced outright to get help. He may be mad about it for a long time.

I called my university to request a conversation with the dean so that he can send me to the psychologist. I can't afford a psychologist myself, so the free one from the university (no fee) is the only option and I guess the best one. It's Thursday next week....that takes long waiting. And after that, waiting too.

I dreamed about him, it was fun and things were normal. How bad I felt when I woke up. I don't want to lose him.