Rants

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So I have somehting that I just need to let out. 3 days now, I haven't talked to someoneon another site directly, and it is most likely going to become a 4th because I have to go soon. I CAN'T HELP IT IF MY PARENTS WILL ONLY LET ME ON UNTIL 6.30!! ! And i may not be on much this Friday night, either. I feel like I'm letting the person down as well as them letting me down, we keep missing each other, and now I can't help thinking that maybe they are trying to avoid me for whatever reason. I know they're probably not, but still. I have school to get through each day, and I havt that on my mind all day, until I come here, only to have NO ONE AT ALL to talk to like today, and then I get LONELY!! !! I also want to listen to songs I like, making u a story in my head that i play the songs along to, but I will only continue the story with happier songs once I've talked to them. Sorry, but it's just how my mind works.

I could really do with something to make me feel better now. Sorry about this.

i feel so burnt out. a week of campaigning in the student elections has taken it out of me. i feel down and stressed and irritable(i keep that part inside. mostly) and did i mention i feel down? i spent like 45 minutes stimming someplace dark and quiet down the street so i could feel almost better. a whole lot of things have been stressing me out: meeting new people, essays, my parents knowing where i live and spending a week talking to people, making eye contact, endevouring to interpret new behaviours and signals and old ones i still dont know and trying to make them too and making myself look friendly and stuff did not help, i just cant do it. im fraying at the edges. im so tired. i think i function less better now socially than i did before. im getting kinda unresponsive.

I don't understand why some people say that I seem normal but then when I try to be normal, I have so much trouble keeping up. I do want to have a normal life. I do want to be able to work and go to school at the same time, yet I find it extremely difficult to even keep a tiny part-time job and take a smaller course load. I feel like I'm not working hard enough. I feel... broken.

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That's how I feel right now!

Just accept and move on. Stop thinking momentarily.

I am sick of being cyberbullied. I wish I wasn't afraid all the time so that I won't be a target anymore, but it's easier said than done.

Today has been utterly ridiculous. At work today I was extremely tense, didn't talk much and I got (probably) a painful looking expression every damn time I had to look someone in their eyes. My face froze up several times, I stuttered lots, I had trouble breathing regularly and was so close to start hyperventilating and I misunderstood a lot of things. Then I quit early (they know my general issues and I'm allowed to do that now) and went to study at the library, I was over sensitive to sound, luckily for me *heavy sarcasm* the local school visited that f*****g day so there was kids all around. I stimmed a whole lot (I jumped lightly on my feet whilst standing, it looks ridiculous...) and I somehow forgot lunch, so now I haven't eaten in a while. Go me!

i am very displeased that the shop i went to today had ran out of everything i could think of to order for lunch! i drove 1.6 kilometers to get there only to smash into a brick wall of unavailability!

they should ring me early in the morning to tell me that they have nothing that i want to buy from their shop in order to save me from the inconvenience of going there!

even though they do not have my telephone number, they should at least look it up in the telephone book!

even though they do not know my name, they should at least have asked someone what my name is.

even though there is no one else in this area who knows my name, they should have tried at least to guess it.

even though if they had guessed it correctly and had not been able to find it in the telephone book (my number is a silent number), they still should have done something to save me the 5 minutes of grief i experienced today due to their incompetence.

bastards.

i hope they have what i want to buy tomorrow when i go there in a fresh new mood.

I made a friend very upset with me last night because I was a depressed idiot last night and left a conversation pre-emptively. I'm so perplexed on how to possibly handle my feelings; it feels impossible.

My AS is so bad it got me kicked off a forum for people with AS.

those days when you spend it with people and are expected to talk and do not and cannot and spend the time avoiding the eye contact people are seeking out intensely and then the situation becomes social and so loud are the voices and you are stuck there awkward and quiet and cannot excuse yourself because the gap in conversation never comes and the words never pass your throat and you become invisible and smile unnaturally hoping to blend in with the furniture and bear it until you get up and leave without saying anything and feel like choking and curling up in the dark so thats what you do when you get to the backstreets that you so briskly lead youself to. i hate myself sometimes. i feel bad about it too because i was in somebodys home, somebody good, and did not say bye.

I work full time, but I won't have enough money to eat every day next month, unless I eat ramen for a few days.

I think society is so full of BS. I wish I had never been born.

i had my dinner in my car tonight at wentworth falls, and then i drove home.
a stretch of highway that i was driving on had a speed limit of 60 kmh due to roadworks, and i was driving at 75 kmh anyway, and a car rapidly approached me from behind and set their headlights to high beam. are they telling me to get out of their way? well i very much felt like stopping my car in front of theirs, and getting out and walking back to their car to ask them to explain why they were riding on my tail with their hi beam lights shining into my rear view mirror, but i do know that whatever action i would have performed would have had a high probability of resulting in a court case, so i guess it it is better forget than redress.

Mandatory attendance at a place with crowds, noise, chit-chat, perfume, proximity, & way too many eyes.

I lost my Dad to cancer a year ago this month. I miss him so much. My parents divorced when I was 4 and I only lived in the same city as him for the last 6 years of his life. I had hoped that living closer would make us closer, but it didn't. There was too much time lost between us. I wish he had lived longer so we would have had more of a chance to connect. He was a great guy and I wish we could have know each other better. I'm trying to force myself to focus on the good memories, but I am plagued with regret. I could have made more of an effort while he was alive and now I'll never get the chance.