How can I leave home without worrying my mother too much?

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My mother is over-protective too, and the fact that we lived in a dodgy area until I was about 20 made matters worse. I hardly go out anywhere nice either, although in my case it's not because I think she'd be worrying about me. It's because my mother's life is extremely circumscribed because of my sister (who has both autism and epilepsy) and also since January this year because of my father's brain haemorrhage (which means I'm now the only driver in the house).

The idea of doing something nice which my mother would never be able to do herself, and being made to tell her what I'm doing, so fills me with shame that I usually don't end up doing such things. The main reason I'm an internet addict is that cyberspace is one place I can explore without attracting questions from my mother.

If I'm going to have to carry on telling her what I'm doing with my life, why get my own place in the first place?


If I left home I don't think my mother would be able to do anything for me any more (no-one else in my house drives, remember?) and also I'm longing to just get away from the madness of my family life...

GCarty- well lie then.

Your mother is very frustrated and jealous. RUN AWAY! She made you like this, she wants you to shame so she don't have to envy you. She holds you down on her level. Set yourself free

I'm not convinced she's jealous of me -- back in April when I went for a meal with my former PhD supervisor, my mother asked why I didn't go out more as she wouldn't have a problem with it. She certainly doesn't tell me to feel shame, I just do for reasons internal to myself (and also because I hear her bemoaning her lot so much).

She's certainly very jealous of other people though -- she went to Durham on the bus today and said she never wants to go there again, because the sight of so many posh houses going up in the next village made her so depressed. (I'm wondering myself though -- where are all the highly-paid jobs to pay for such houses?)

I've reached the point where I'd definitely seek to get out if I got a pay rise, but I've been waiting for one since March! Someone higher up in the company who I've talked to suggests that pay rates have already been revised, but these revisions are awaiting approval from the company's investors...

don't find excuses not to do it. I am sure you have reserves in your life style you should trim a bit.
Riding bike to work for example. I always wanted it, but have it 30km up an 30 back now, so I hope for changing job soon

What about practical issues (such as finding time to view potential properties)?

I haven't even plucked up the courage to tell my mother I'm serious about wanting my own place (I'm always paranoid about being accused of wasting money), and I don't see how I can do everything up to the actual day of the move in total secrecy.

I'm also thinking of the issue of budgeting if living independently. The approximate calculation below suggests things may be tight as I currently stand. Or are some of my expenses estimates too high?

Take-home pay per month: £1280
Rent: £450
Council tax: £82
Food: £220
Electricity: £100
Gas: £100
Water: £30
TV licence: £12
Phone: £15
Internet: £15
Car depreciation: £95
Car insurance: £60
Car fuel: £90

Remaining: £11 per month

I do not know prices in your area. But how many people have less income than £1280? Many for sure. And they live, feed their children even. Ask them how do they manage...

For me, rent, gas and electricity seems to high. Plus car. You want to keep car, so find cheaper accomodation. Now, do you need to live alone? I mean, is it impossible for you sharing kitchen with co-tenant?

PS: Why do an internet addict needs TV for?

Sweet Pea hugs

Yesterday my mother found a note I'd made to work out how much I'd be spending a week on food (because I thought her estimate of £80/week was too high -- my estimate was £50/week). She said that "you have no idea! (how much stuff costs)! You could TREBLE that once you add on cleaning stuff!" I just thought "£100 a week just for cleaning stuff -- that's NUTS!" to which she replied "OK, maybe DOUBLE"

Myself, I can't imagine I'd be spending even £10 per week on cleaning materials (soap, washing-up-liquid, washing machine tablets, fabric conditioner, kitchen polish). Doesn't the fact that she's throwing up wild overestimates for my living costs demonstrates how desperate she really is to frighten me off getting my own place?

Yes, but that's no reason not to try it. The money will be a bit tight perhaps, depending on whether you cook or buy convenience foods or eat out. There are also expensive and inexpensive cleaning options. Some people get a lot done with baking soda and vinegar. Others want the latest in disposable mops and scrubbing bubbles in a can. Really it doesn't take that much reserach on-line to find some cheaper and even safer options in that department.

Do you have a savings? It might be a good idea to save as much as you can for a few months and then move, if you're anxious about making ends meet.

You really can't live your life to please your mom. She needs to live for herself, and you for yourself. If you'll be happier on your own, that's all that really matters.

Most of the people on this planet left/leave/is going to leave the nest one day. People do it because it makes us mature and satisfied. You keep looking for excuses why not to do it... Well. The only thing that matters is: what do YOU want? Answer this simple question. Exclude your mother, money or whatever excuses from the calculation. Answer it. And then do it!

PS: If I told you how much money I spend a week, you wouldn't believe me. Money is not really an issue. Your courage is. But you can ask whole internet for help. So why to worry. Do it and enjoy it

In your opinion is it (in the general case, rather than just in my specific case) a "fool's errand" for someone living with their parents to seek approval to leave home?

Oh, and what are the main pitfalls associated with renting a flat that I have to beware of?

Oh, and how can I cope with the problem of lacking local friends that could help me load and unload on a move? Prefessional removals are extremely expensive (£1000+) IIRC!

Also, I found a flat that looks promising (and at £425 pcm it's less than my budget calculations assumed, plus it's in walking distance of work), but on the downside it seems to be completely empty -- it doesn't even include a washing machine or refrigerator (so I'd have to buy those myself). What do people here think?

I only got to check out one possible place to live (which I didn't want as it was £425 per month for a dump with rotten windows) before my mother found out -- she scolded me for being so pitifully naive about what independent living costs. It's really getting on my nerves...

Another recent source of conflict with my mother has been that my former PhD supervisor has asked me to come back into the university to help him complete a journal article he's been writing based on some of my thesis work. This has led to my mother accusing him of taking advantage of me, as well as complaining "why didn't you try to get a job at the university, so you only had to travel 7 miles each way to work instead of 25?" The fact that I haven't had a pay rise in the last 2 years has also led to accusations that I'll just let anyone walk all over me (except her, of course). It seems like she somehow feels entitled to my company...

I think the issue is that I often think my current situation is my own fault. Oh well, at least I got a pay rise this week (I'm now on £20,262 per annum...)

My mother is very protective and for many reasons(long story there.) I needed to move out and kinda did. I moved in with my older sister and her family but my goal is too move out on my own somedays. But my mom still try's to get me to move back in with her very month or so.

Okay, and I can see a few saving area. Internet and t.v. are basically the same thing now a day why need both?

Have you looked at the pricing of off band food? Most, not all, but most taste the same and is way cheaper.

I see that you're somewhere in the u.k. do you have dollar store there? It's a store where everything costs a $1 and tax. The store are not great for everything but buying clearing supplies there would put cost down.

Have you tried a dry run. Putting way money as if you're living on your own; just to see what the end of the month look like?

Btw 11 bucks at the end of the month isn't bad. Just the other week one of my sister just had 20 buck for the whole till she got paid again and that her norm sometimes.