I don't know how it got so bad.

Post Reply New Topic

I don't drink and party often. I don't really like it (too noisy, too many people, too much happening at once etc). I'm a student and I live in a dorm (thankfully got my own room though) and there was a party in the dorm yesterday. I decided to join in for once. I ended up drinking quite a bit and inhaling N2O (Nitrous oxide, also known as "laughing gas"). Today I feel like s**t. All I can think of is the fact that I think it's so sad that I need to drink and inhale gas (it was the first time I did it. Would you say N2O is a drug?) in order to feel less anxious, less depressed and less socially awkward.

I feel like a failure and I feel ashamed. Ashamed about the way I acted when I was drunk yesterday. I didn't do anything bad or weird or anything but I wasn't myself. I was happy, I was more social, I was hyperactive, I swore a lot (I don't usually swear that much) and things like that, but I wasn't myself. I don't like not being myself. I hope no one in my dorm comments on the way I acted yesterday. When looking back at yesterday night and when feeling like this I doubt I've got AS. Some days I'm pretty sure I've got it but when acting like I did yesterday I feel like maybe I don't. I'm sorry if this is a stupid question but do you guys drink and feel less socially awkward when doing so? It's like every time I function pretty well in a social setting (with or without alcohol) I start doubting myself. I start thinking that maybe I'm just imagining my problems. That maybe I'm just making it up. Why do I do that? It's torture.

Life feels so meaningless right now. Not just because of what I did yesterday but in general. I think I'm depressed (for real that is). I don't know how it got so bad. I don't know what to do.

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. Plenty of people act stupid in those situations and I seriously doubt it will be held against you. If anything, it will only serve to make you more popular and accepted. Just remember: You weren't the only one doing these things. You probably have some social anxiety comorbid with your Asperger's, and the alcohol dealt with that. It's why it's called a "social lubricant". Remember too that Asperger's means you are awkward in normal social exchanges, not that you are incapable of trying. The alcohol will likely cover this up in the eyes of the NTs since they will be less aware of your minor mistakes due to their own inebriation and will also attribute some of them to your inebriation. If anyone says anything about it just say something like "Yeah man, I was pretty wasted last night and I don't remember much." I'm not saying you should drink ( I quit a few years ago for reasons I won't go into here). I just offer this as a logical analysis of the situation.

Yes, social anxiety is (and has always been) a huge part of my life so if it turns out I do have AS, social anxiety is probably a comorbid.

I'm just so tired of doubting and second-guessing myself. I wish I knew for sure if I have AS or not. Then maybe I wouldn't have to torture myself with self-doubt all the time. I feel like crying or hitting something (or both) right now.

EDIT: Actually, I'm not sure I feel like crying or hitting something. I don't know what I'm feeling. I just feel empty right now. At least I think so (I have a hard time identifying my emotions).

As a veteran of drinking too much at parties etc, I'd guess what you are feeling is shame. Don't though. Everybody does stupid stuff sometimes when they are drunk and it doesn't sound like you did anything stupid. You are just not used to the next day feeling.

I don't know if your hangover is from booze or the nitrous (yeah it's a drug but not that great) but I'd suggest that next time you drink you eat something about 30 minutes before, do not mix different boozes, drink a glass of water between drinks if you don't want to get as drunk, snack on things throughout the evening so you don't get drunk as fast, and one thing that helps prevent a hangover is to drink a couple of glasses of water before bed, after drinking. You might also want to keep a glass of icewater on your bedside table. A major factor in hangovers is dehydration. Also low blood sugar. Eating while drinking, and drinking lots of water also helps prevent this. When I do vodka shots I chase them with water and that helps prevent a hangover from being so bad for me.

You didn't do anything wrong. If people comment, they aren't going to be doing it meanly. Just say something like "Yeah, I had a blast".

If it helps any, I don't really know if I have AS or not either as I am self-diagnosed and still trying to figure out if I will ever seek a real diagnosis or not. However, what you have to realize is that the diagnosis will change noting about who you are. It may explain a few of your idiosyncrasies but ultimately there is nothing medically that can be done about it. What you can do is learn about how others see things and why they react certain ways and learn how to act in ways that get positive reactions from others. That is all that the therapies used for mildly autistic people probably do anyways, so by being here you can learn from the experiences of others who have gone through similar things and hopefully improve your social lot in life.

One of the things you have to learn to do is stop second guessing every thing you do. It's actually a bigger social mistake to do this most of the times than the thing you are beating yourself up about. I mean, if you don't feel you should drink, then just don't do it in the future. I'm a Christian and that is part of the reason I no longer do it. Do I regret things I have done in the past? Yes, and I have spent way too much of my life constantly replaying them in my mind too, so I speak from experience here. In the end though, most people do not care enough about you and what you did to hold things against you. They are too busy worrying about their own lives to worry about some minor error in judgement you made unless it had a very negative impact on their lives.

Sure, a diagnosis won't change me, it will merely explain my behaviours. However, I think getting a diagnosis is very important to me. I need it in order to understand myself and in order to get the help I need. I know I should stop second guessing myself and the things I do. What do you mean by "it's actually a bigger social mistake to do this most of the times than the thing you are beating yourself up about"?

I'm a Christian too and I used to not drink but even since high school, when my anxiety etc became worse, I drink. I don't drink that often though but I guess I use alcohol as some sort of self-medication.

Yes, it's probably shame but I think the worst part is the fact that I'm so depressed, anxious and socially anxious/awkward that I "need" alcohol and things like that to feel a bit more "normal".



What do you mean? That it's a drug but it's not any good? Sorry if that's a stupid question.

What I meant by that statement is that going around apologizing for things when no one has noted an offense makes you seem wishy washy and unconfident. By letting it drop and not mentioning it to others, you are not giving them ammunition to use against you in the future. If they bring something up, you deal with it when someone else brings it up. One of the great truths I have discovered in life is that people would rather that you be confidently wrong than timidly right. It took me until my mid thirties to figure this out, but basically people are more concerned with confidence than absolute truth most of the times. This seems odd to someone who deals with life logically rather than emotionally/socially, but it is true. Once I discovered this, I was able to put it into practice and it made a big difference in how others perceived me.