How can I leave home without worrying my mother too much?
GCarty
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: 22 Feb 2012
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 49
Location: County Durham, England
Lilithlee wrote:
My mother is very protective and for many reasons(long story there.) I needed to move out and kinda did. I moved in with my older sister and her family but my goal is to move out on my own someday. But my mom still try's to get me to move back in with her very month or so.
When I have brought up moving away, my mother says "if you want to leave then leave -- we'd be about £50/week better off", but she sounded obviously annoyed when she said it, suggested that she's really doesn't want me to move away. I think loneliness is a big reason why, as my dad hardly ever talks to her (not to mention that she hates him for not working for 20 years). She's always really happy when I take her out in my car (even though it's usually just to buy routine shopping) just for the chance to get out of the house and have someone to talk to.It also seems like one reason why she doesn't want me to move away is because she thinks renting housing from a private landlord is throwing money away (we currently live in social housing, but there's no way I'd be able to move into social housing myself -- it's so scarce these days that unless you're a single mother, forget it). I think also, my mother's burning resentment of my dad (for failing to make her a homeowner) may have a lot to do with this attitude.
I really don't want to take out a mortgage though, because the UK house price bubble hasn't yet truly burst like it has in the US and Ireland (largely because it seems like the government is doing everything in its power to keep house prices high), not to mention that don't really want to commit to the North East as I may be able to get a much better paid job once I was in a position to consider other parts of the country. And although I have enough money in the bank (inherited from my grandparents) to buy a low-end property outright, my mother angrily warns me "if you use that money to buy somewhere for yourself instead of for us, karma will get you in the end!" so I want to keep that money in the bank in case my mother stops being so choosy when it comes to moving herself.
Lilithlee wrote:
I see that you're somewhere in the u.k. do you have dollar store there? It's a store where everything costs a $1 and tax. The store are not great for everything but buying clearing supplies there would put cost down.
I'm surprised you hadn't guessed that the equivalents here in the UK are called "pound shops". I know about them well from taking my mother shopping -- the two main ones are Poundland and Poundworld. Other low-cost shops I'm familiar with are Home Bargains, B&M and the German discounters Aldi and Lidl.
By the way, the price for groceries I calculated was based on a trip to Asda (that's the name Walmart goes by in Britain), and could be reduced somewhat by taking advantage of special offers, but I wanted to err on the side of caution. Same goes for my estimates of electricity and gas bills.
GCarty
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: 22 Feb 2012
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 49
Location: County Durham, England
In case anyone's interested, I've discussed some of my family issues over at the Dysfunctional Families threads of Teresa Nielsen Hayden's Making Light blog.
Dysfunctional Families: Sitting and rising
Dysfunctional Families: Surviving and Thriving
I'm using the pseudonym "Codemonkey in NE England" (or "Worried in NE England" on my first post), a reference to my current computer-programming job.
And here's my latest post:
Quote:
Things have took a turn for the worse for me in the past week: yesterday I was told that men from the council had visited again, and that the central heating replacement which I mentioned back on post #384 couldn't be postponed this time (I don't know when it's scheduled for yet, I think it's September). Not only that, but they now want to replace the kitchen too. Cue more carping from my mam about how I was supposed to have bought them a house so that the family wouldn't be subject to this mayhem.
When I was taking her for shopping this afternoon (she'd pleaded with me to take her out to get her away from my dad -- she also said that Dad's "plus-carer" bus pass was making her feel "shackled" to him, as he'd moan about her wasting money if she went out on the bus on her own) she mentioned how she thought house prices were still rising, and that it was better to put my money in property anyway as it meant I could still claim unemployment benefits if I lost my job (which I couldn't if I had the money in the bank).
Then she seemed to drop the bombshell when she said "if you insist on buying a house outright, you'll only be able to get a dump! I bet even the Joblings (they're the CEO and COO where I work) didn't buy their house outright with no mortgage!"
My response was "so I'm supposed to live with you forever then? On my wage I couldn't afford to pay a mortgage for a house for you, and pay rent or a mortgage on a place for myself as well!" To which she replied "You're just a selfish so-and-so, who wants to spend all that money on a place for yourself, and then claim that you're somehow helping us out, as 'now you can move into a two-bed (council) disabled bungalow'!". She also started going on about how if I was so gung-ho about wanting my own place, why I wasn't helping out more where I'm currently living to show I could manage. She insinuated that I'd done a lot more housework (apart from the two long Saturday night sessions tidying cupboards, most of the things I'd done actually took very little of my time -- stuff like making my breakfast, feeding my sister's aquarium fish, and starting the washing machine for the most part) when Dad was in hospital, so why couldn't I do it now?
What do you recommend to do if I'm finding it difficult to find the spoons to actually start looking at places to live (either for the family or for myself) in order to motivate myself? I know I'm not even going to get (moral) support from my dad, as he thinks I shouldn't move out unless I need to relocate for work purposes. I think I'd find it too stressful though learning to look after myself and starting a new job at the same time.
Oh, well, at least a lot of the stuff we don't need was taken to the recycling centre over the course of last week (I drove it there with my Dad -- it's about one mile away). The only stuff still in the loft is Xmas decorations, for the most part.
When I was taking her for shopping this afternoon (she'd pleaded with me to take her out to get her away from my dad -- she also said that Dad's "plus-carer" bus pass was making her feel "shackled" to him, as he'd moan about her wasting money if she went out on the bus on her own) she mentioned how she thought house prices were still rising, and that it was better to put my money in property anyway as it meant I could still claim unemployment benefits if I lost my job (which I couldn't if I had the money in the bank).
Then she seemed to drop the bombshell when she said "if you insist on buying a house outright, you'll only be able to get a dump! I bet even the Joblings (they're the CEO and COO where I work) didn't buy their house outright with no mortgage!"
My response was "so I'm supposed to live with you forever then? On my wage I couldn't afford to pay a mortgage for a house for you, and pay rent or a mortgage on a place for myself as well!" To which she replied "You're just a selfish so-and-so, who wants to spend all that money on a place for yourself, and then claim that you're somehow helping us out, as 'now you can move into a two-bed (council) disabled bungalow'!". She also started going on about how if I was so gung-ho about wanting my own place, why I wasn't helping out more where I'm currently living to show I could manage. She insinuated that I'd done a lot more housework (apart from the two long Saturday night sessions tidying cupboards, most of the things I'd done actually took very little of my time -- stuff like making my breakfast, feeding my sister's aquarium fish, and starting the washing machine for the most part) when Dad was in hospital, so why couldn't I do it now?
What do you recommend to do if I'm finding it difficult to find the spoons to actually start looking at places to live (either for the family or for myself) in order to motivate myself? I know I'm not even going to get (moral) support from my dad, as he thinks I shouldn't move out unless I need to relocate for work purposes. I think I'd find it too stressful though learning to look after myself and starting a new job at the same time.
Oh, well, at least a lot of the stuff we don't need was taken to the recycling centre over the course of last week (I drove it there with my Dad -- it's about one mile away). The only stuff still in the loft is Xmas decorations, for the most part.