Gradual Schizophrenia: I need help

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I am highly autistic, and I am gradually developing schizophrenia. (I have been the past five years or so.) I think it's called, 'schizophreniform disorder.'
In that time, I've never been able to remove my constant feeling of suicidal anhedonia. (i.e. How pointless it is to continue a purposeless and insignificant life.)
To be honest, what I truly desire is someone in the world to care for me and give me some sense of self-worth.
The only thing keeping me going is my respect and love for others, in that I don't think I should impact their lives with my selfish suicide.
Though, someday, my life may be in danger.

I feel I have so much potential. I could one day become a millionaire or something and change the world. (In fact, my dream has always been to change the world.)
But, I have little motivation to do much, and I tend to be a bit depressed.

Without help, my condition will only get worse and worse. I realized this a while ago.

What should I do?

Do you have a diagnosis for schizophreniform disorder? If not I suggest you see a doctor. People who have their schizophrenia identified and treated earlier have better outcomes than those who do not. If you are in fact developing schizophrenia the sooner you get the help you need the better.

Please try not to consider suicide, there are so many other things worth trying first.

Hi, yes, please stay here with us. I really think there's a good chance there will be a Spectrum Civil Rights Movement. And we can take the UK as somewhat an example, a country I think is about three years ahead of us in the U.S. as far as acceptance and appreciation of those on the spectrum. And what this civil rights movement will be about is the right of a person to be authentically himself or herself even if different in ways which count.

Back in the late 1980s when I was in my twenties I became very interested in academic philosophy. But it's a big issue for me that it's kind of nonmotivational for me to work on something which might get attention and some social feedback months or years in the future. I find it more motivational to do something like research and adding to topics on wikipedia, even though that, too, is often ignored or I find myself arguing with people more interested in the formality of the writing itself (really) than with the subject matter (most commonly my research on wikipedia topics is simply ignored). And I like political activism, and I think largely for the same reasons.

Okay, I sometimes struggle with depression, haven't yet tried antidepressants, but might have years ago if this young psychiatrist I was seeing hadn't been such a jerk about the whole thing. Now, I'm much more open to the idea, that I don't need to ride through a period of depression unassisted.

And it's very much trial and error which anti-depressant works for which person. It's just that the biochem of the human brain is complicated and tends to be a little different for all of us. I don't know whether this is the case for schizophreniform related conditions, but if I had to place a bet, I would guess that it would be.

And if so, helpful to find a doctor who's a halfway decent listener and willing to tinker with the medication. And this may or may not be the first doctor.

Shutting down silence mode, right now.

KuRowbot, I have depression, and believe me, it sucks hard. In the past four years, I've attempted suicide twice and been through many different prescriptions. The last time I tried to kill myself was the worst, and it didn't help that it was senior year in high school, which was not exactly a pleasant experience. It put things into perspective. I hit rock bottom, and didn't realize the harm such an act would do to those around me.

You say that you have schizophreniform disorder. If you suspect that you really do have it, I suggest that you get help ASAP. If you believe that you can change the world for the better, than by God, don't let suicide and mental illness get away. Get help.

Peace,

Giftorcurse.

How do I get help?
I can't afford to pay for anything, and I don't have medical insurance.
Honestly, I'm afraid to talk to anyone.

Even though you are afraid, it's important you speak to someone. I'm sure there must be provision for people who are acutely ill but do not have medical insurance (I am from the UK, so I am unfamiliar with the US system).

What are your symptoms? If you are experiencing psychotic symptoms (hallucinations or voices) then perhaps you can go to the Emergency Room? Hopefully someone from the US will be able to give you more specific help.

Hi, okay, one thing, please feel free to continue to use us here at WP as one resource among many. We can pretty good on the autistic side with at times pretty good ideas, and I guess rather slow to learn on the schizophreniform side. But we can learn.

And any doctor you have a positive pre-existing relationship with, even if he or she is not a psychiatrist, who can refer you? And hopefully the new doctor might be able to work with you on the insurance or on a sliding scale. And at age 22, you still might be eligible to be on your parents' policy even if living on your own (might have to take one college course and thereby game the system, that kind of thing).

I feel exactly like you except I don't have schizophrenia (as far as I know), hopefully things get better, but I don't think that will happen anytime soon... maybe you are luckier

I come from a poor family, so neither of my parents (they're divorced, by the way) have medical insurance. I'm currently a full-time college student. I wouldn't even care about my mental issues if it didn't affect my academic progress. (Well, I'd still care, but I have problems anyway that are more of an aspie thing.)
As part of my schooling, I have to work together on a team. But, I am very bad at communicating and being friendly. I prefer to work alone. I think people get a bad impression of me, but I don't really understand why.
The reason I think I'm developing schizophrenia, is because I don't really want friends or family. I basically just want to be alone. I don't have hallucinations, but I might have delusions. Just looking at them, I seem to fit the DSM-IV criteria.
And, it's not that bad... yet. I feel like I might be getting worse, but it is hard to pinpoint exactly what my diagnosis would be without a doctor.
And I've hardly ever gone to the doctor my whole life. The last time I went to a doctor was like 5 years ago.

I want to change the world, too. And at times, I feel I am really, really good at writing. One thing I'm good at is rewriting a good screenplay and making it even better. Now, you might think that would be a highly salable commodity, but so far, no. I'm also good at journalistic style writing. Of course, anything artistic is a bit of a long shot.

Now, if you're more interested in business type activities, more power to you. I sometimes think progressive businesses are over promoted. I just think, if you don't jack your employees around on their schedules and don't shave them on their paychecks, I mean compared to many corporations, you're ahead of the curve. Now, business also has a lot of luck factors and external factors. The baseline statistic I've heard most often is that 80% of new businesses fail (yes, eight out of ten), most commonly because of undercapitalization. And I had one professor teaching entrepreneurship who said failing at one business is merely a prerequisite to trying at another. And I think many successful entrepreneurs attribute their success to a combination of hard work, talent---and good luck.

I say this beause I think even during hard times, it's important to pursue really good stuff, perhaps especially during hard times. And I think history is full of examples of successful artists, doctors, scientists, business people, politicians, journalists, etc, who have had all kinds of issues. Sometimes their issues have gotten the better of them, sometimes they've gotten the better of their issues (have danced their way around problems, the soft zen approach). And issues can even give a kind of depth (though admittedly a little of this goes a long way). I think a bigger issue is the baseline, that a lot of this stuff is just long shots. For example, the person working as a scientist has to catch a moonbeam of one or several ideas, and then has to be believed or at least the ideas entertained by other scientists. And a lot is about contributing to a team and building a team.

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Okay, as far as making forays on current issues, the fact that you're a full-time student is a major opening. We may not have socialized medicine generally in the United States, but we do on college campuses! The fact that you're a student is all you need to make an appointment with the student health center, they may be bigger, may be smaller, might even have a couple of psychiatrists you can choose from. And as far as 'regular' doctors, like internists and family practitioners, my guess is that they will generally feel comfortable prescribing anti-depressant medicine but not anti-schizophrenia medication. And again, per current science, is trial and error in respectful sense.

What I'm good at is essentially Mathematics and programming. And, I know how to make video games. So, basically I want to make small independent games for a living. And if I'm lucky, I can make something that will become widely popular, and I'll be set for life. The only problem is getting the motivation to get started on the project. Because a given project could take several months to complete, depending. Especially with all of the college work I have to do at the same time. But, I am doing my best to believe that I'll get there eventually, eliminating my fear that I won't be able to pay my rent. I need to get my motivations straight, though. While I do need money, I can't do it for the purpose of making money. I have to do it because I enjoy it.
I also think I might write a short story or two, maybe a novel if I feel I'm good enough. But that wouldn't be for money. That's merely to get my feelings out and please myself with a story I would want to read. And I'll try to publish it, if I really think it's necessary.

Anyway, my dream job doesn't really require me to work on a full team per se, but I would need to at least hire an artist.

My college does have a counseling office, but one of my major problems is a lack of self-confidence. So, I'm afraid to go ask for the counseling office, because then people will know I did that... And I'd be embarrassed. (I'm very good at hiding how I really feel, or actually coming off entirely different from how I really am. I think it's common among aspies, but people might get the idea that I'm overconfident and cocky, when sometimes it's the exact opposite. This just contributes to my stress.)

Also, isn't there some other way than medication to deal with mental illnesses? My family has a history of addiction. I'd rather not become dependent on a drug to be happy. Not to mention how expensive that will be.

{Side note: Is it really that hard to believe that I don't go to a doctor ever?}

That doesn't really sound like schizophrenia, to me. Is that all there is? You could just be very asocial. Not exactly difficult to see, considering how crappy most people are. What are these "delusions" you speak of?

You should think twice before you get "help" against what you believe may be schizophrenia. Before you know it, you get put on mind-numbing anti-psychotics/neuroleptics and start to develop permanent spasms in your face, and other dreadful things regarding brain damage. And even if you *were* hallucinating (which you said you were not, though), there are such things as the spirit world. Some people percept these things much more drastically than others. It hardly would mean you are schizophrenic. Many doctors would say you are, simply from such a statement, but that is because they are trained to not accept these, as of yet, unexplainable things, that we refer to as "paranormal".

I'm against using drugs as treatment, so I don't think that'd happen anyway. And, anyway, schizophrenia develops very gradually, so eventually I might get hallucinations if I don't get help early enough. It's also possible to be 'cured,' but most people who got better wasn't because of prescribed drugs, but because of someone loving helping them through it. At least, that's what I read.

The 'negative' symptoms of schizophrenia such as social withdrawal, executive function issues etc can occur in other conditions too, including Aspergers and depression. It is possible that you are developing schizophrenia, but it's equally likely that it could be something else. No one here can diagnose you.

I'm sure the counselling service is confidential - if you don't tell anyone you have gone they certainly won't. I think they would be the best place to start. If you don't know what to say then you could try writing down your symptoms or printing this discussion out to show them.

Try not to worry too much. I've had similar symptoms to yours (as well brief periods of psychosis) and I don't meet the criteria for schizophrenia and I am not currently on any treatment. I work, and have a partner. Whatever you are struggling with, all is not lost. Please speak to the counselling service and give them a chance to help or reassure you.

Thank you. I'll try my best to work up the courage to make an appointment with them. I'm just afraid I won't be able to explain my condition properly.
We'll see. It's the start of a new week. Anything can happen.

Sounds good.

You know, I'm just reading the autobiography of country singer Chely Wright. Now, she successfully wrote songs even though she had her issues, not that she was gay per se, but that she was in the closet including to her family, and her parents were moving in the direction of a divorce, all before she was 21.

So, success may come relatively quickly, or it may take a while. An example of taking a medium time period might be the writer Stephen King. Writing about his own writing he said he felt each short story or novel attempt was like dropping a quarter into a slot machine. He didn't know how long it would take, but he knew that he'd eventually hit, and he never had the feeling he'd run out of quarters.

And so, I might encourage you to think in terms of running multiple tracks, both high probability (like a halfway alright job) and high potential payoff (like your best dreams)

And with the group projects, what if you medium disclose, peraps something like: 'I have an auditory processing issue [ . . well, everyone's brain is just a little different . . ] So, yes, I want to do my fair share, maybe even a little bit more. But I don't get much out of meetings. I have a heck of a time following who's saying what.' Provided of course this is somewhat true for you. Or perhaps another way of medium disclosure?