Existence

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"Existence - Well what does it matter? I exist on the best terms I can. The past is now part of my future. The present is well out of hand."

That sentence alone suffices to sum up how I feel in life. I had touched on things briefly in my prior thread here, albeit that was some time ago. So I will elaborate upon what it is that plagues me. I do not understand what happiness is, joy, these things are foreign concepts to me. I can scarcely remember what these feel like. My capacity to... feel these things was extracted and ripped from me when I was a child even. There have been brief, brief glimpses of joy. But I can not remember how it felt. My family does not like me very much, save for my Grandparents whom I live with. But my Grandmother is extremely overbearing - Overprotective and suffocates me. I can not go anywhere on my own. I can not walk around stores on my own. I am not allowed to do anything but remain in my room. A hermit for what ever shall remain of my days. Friends? I do not have these in real life.

I have two individuals which I can honestly call me friends. But they have their own problems. It would be unfair and unwise for me to expect them to be able to help me. In fact I would prefer I be able to assist them in their issues. I wish that I could. I seek to give to those what I do not have. I had more online friends, but they ditched me and abandoned me. My Father abandoned me when I was little. My Mother is a sociopath that physically and mentally abused me all my life. An example of this was when my past Step-Father, whom she divorced fractured my leg. They refused to pay for a medical bill. So I was forced to crawl around the house. This was not a pleasant experience as one might guess.

I feel disconnected. Dissociation has engulfed me. I feel like nothing is real. I had a near-death experience very recently. One in which has left me incapable of having any fear of... anything. I simply can not muster the capacity to care at all. No medication I have ever been on has helped me, nor do I believe it will. I only sleep one or two hours a night - And this pattern has occurred for around two weeks now. I feel full of energy, but remain apathetic.

I do not know what to do.

Alike you, I have had a life where living feels pointless and I have been reclusive all my life, rarely having friends or hobbies in the outside world.

In an ideal world, I would like to say it gets better but it may not, as it did not with me. In a pursuit to find meaning in my life, I created goals to further myself and to give my life purpose.

Seven years down the line, I had achieved things I thought impossible of myself, it was then that I realized that money, power and social status will not in any way improve how I feel, it just makes life easier but divides you further from people and ruins your perspective of everyday life.

I still feel just like you do now and I still feel powerless and hopeless, because I still cannot find joy in life and it all seams so... Irrelevant.

I am not a psychologist so don't take this has gospel, it is simply my own analysis.

I don't believe there's any choice about it, people have different perspectives and by being isolated and inverted, we analyze without the input of other people's perspectives, thoughts and ideals which shape personality. (And ofcourse, Aspies have issues picking up on this)

If your analytical, logical and intelligent then you likely miss emotional influence which drives others. And thus you become more alienated to those around you which furter drives loneliness and negativity.

Looking at my father, I see why he choose my mother has his previous partner, although he is very logical and intelligent, he suffers from depression. My mother on the other hand is completely impulsive, passes judgement in regards to her current mood and is an all-around air head. I believe that it is her polar influence on him which has allowed him to carry on living.

Another thing which helps is keeping your mind engrossed in challenges, although it is not always enjoyable, I work designing software as it requires you to be both analytical and logical. The issues which may arise at any given time provide a good level of chaos to keep things interesting.

Do you have anything to challenge your mind with?

I think, at least in my own experience that their where two types of joy. One was what I was 'issued' so to speak, that is the family and circumstances I was born into. Those things usually have both good and bad, though in your case it mostly seems to have been bad. It wasn't that way for me, it was mixed, so I don't really know what its like to have that kind of bad start. The second type was what I persued on my own, especially after leaving the house and being on my own.

Since nothing in essence can be done about the past, and you are unhappy with the present circumstances your hope must then lie with your future. I get the feeling you are not hopeful, and part of that is being it seems that you are not able to make any changes. But is that really true totally ? Can you find some things you might change in an attempt to better your situation ? Small improvements can be encouraging and lead to more motivation to make bigger ones.

But to tie in a little with what someone else said, happiness isn't a destination. Its when the present is going ok. But I think its pretty hard for that to happen if you are stationary. It seems to mainly happen when you are moving towards goals along the way, and accomplishing things. It doesn't have to be earth shaking, just something that gives you satisfaction doing or just doing something well.