Sexually abused can't move on

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My father is a sociopath who did drugs. Seems like he's okay at first but is not. Hides who he is.

He beat my mother while she was pregnant with me.

She gave birth to me and I was autistic with sensory processing disorder and unknown transgendered (female to male).

He continued to beat her and emotionally abuse her mercilessly.

She took my sister and I to the other side of the country without permission to escape the abuse.

Temporarily homeless and as last ditch effort had to pay rent to a woman (let's call her E).

E beat me and smacked me.

Family member of E raped me and had me bleed. I was autistic and pretty much nonverbal at the time.

I couldn't speak.

I couldn't tell my mom what was happening.

I was the perfect victim.

The sensory processing disorder and underlying transgenderism made it feel ten times worse.

I was three years when it happened.

I haven't told my parents nor anyone else.

Figured people will probably tell me it is a "false memory".

But it effects me so much...

I push away the people who love me.

I don't know how to reach out to them.

I feel guilty for reaching out to anyone.

I feel I don't deserve it because people probably go through so much more than I did.

So I let it hide until it festers inside of me to the point I cannot cope.

Even though I crave physical intimacy (hugs, kisses on check,held hands, cuddles), I'm so screwed up that way I feel if I approach someone it will only end badly. I feel like I'm not getting something I need, because I'm scared it will end badly.

I can't trust people.

I run away from dates and people who are potentially interested in me.

I'm having a hard time concentrating.

Resentful of computer science because peers are biologically male and make light of rape.

Say things like "I raped that assignment" or "I got raped on that assignment" in the computer lab.

Little do they know I am right there, with this history, and have to relieve that when they say that.

So triggering that I have to leave the computer labs and can't work on my assignments.

f**k computer science.

Major gives me no time to take care of myself.

People there are most non-empathetic I've ever met.

They are like sharks that attack you at the slightest drop of blood.

Swarm at your self-worth if they detect the slightest weakness.

Plus, they are all men.

Even though I am a man, I don't trust other men.

Because of what happened to me.

I feel like I don't belong.

Love and am excellent with chemistry but too late to change my major.

Would take a lighter course load in CS to take care of things and pull myself together but my financial aid runs out in five years.

Don't have time to get hormones for my transgenderism because of goddam computer science.

So I get periods.

Each time I get my period, it reminds me of the time I got raped and bled out by some creep when I was three years old.

I feel subhuman.

This period was so bad in beginning of December. I bled through my pants. Cramps, the first I had, were so bad.

Kept going back to the time I was raped. Felt just like it.

I'm psychologically traumatized.

I feel like I can't cope.

I'm going to fail my final exams, because I can't get myself together.

So I won't be able to finish in five years.

So my federal financial aid will run out.

I won't be able to pay tuition.

And I won't be able to graduate.

All my previous three years of hard work would have been for nothing.

I don't think I can take two more years of this.

Was suicidal but I now I feel like I'm just a shell.

I don't know what I can do.

I think I've been unwise trying to keep this to myself for so long.

It seems it finally caught up to me.

I don't want to fail my courses and final projects this term.

But I can't snap out of it.

人生は苦痛である。
人間がらせん状である。
まだ望みはあります。
Life is pain.
Humans are screwy.
There is still hope.

Very sorry you have had to go thru all of that. Just a few thoughts:

People are all seperate and unique individuals. They come in a very wide range of personnalities. But there are some who would never even consider doing the hurtful things you have experienced from people in the past. I guess the thing is to try and learn how to differentiate between positive and negative people. If its possible try not to let those violent people alter whom you would wish to be without their interferrence. They have damaged you and left lasting scars and pain, but fight against them stealing away the rest of your life too. As much as you can manage reject and forget them.

P.S.
After Financial aid, you can get student loans to cover most all the school costs. Not perfect solution, but does let you complete your degree and that is very valuable.

can you write?.. I would write as much of what you feel and think out on paper with a pen.
no matter what it says..how wierd it sounds..shamelessly..

keep at it..
the more you write about it..the more clarity you might get from it and you might discover conclusions that give you more of a foothold on what you experience.

and you get it some of it out that way.

Somehow the electro-magnetic movements of the hand can be as powerful as the sounds of the voice to get things out of you.

it might help?. it does for me.. never been physically touched. but verbally abused and intimidated constantly for 10years. I have an aversion for men also..

that way the thoughts might not circulate inside your head all the time as you can write them down and let them go.

that's all the help I can give you.

Firstly, I want to say that you're brave for sharing all this. I'm really sorry about what you've been through.
'I feel guilty for reaching out to anyone.
I feel I don't deserve it because people probably go through so much more than I did.'
You need to practice compassion towards yourself. Not that it's easy, but it's true and it's possible. Would you scold someone else for wanting to make friends, or say that they don't deserve comfort or reassurance from someone else after going through trauma like you've experienced? I don't think so. You have to talk to yourself like a friend, not an enemy.
I think you need to work on the mindset that everyone is out to get you. Unfortunately, you're surrounded by males who casually engage in rape culture, but there are plenty of good people in the world, too. You won't get the good from people if you can't allow for badness. The vast majority of people who are interested in you at college etc aren't going to rape you or beat you. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk any more. <3

Your story is heartbreaking. I am so sorry for what happened to you. No one deserves any of that, especially not a 3 year old child.

You say you are unwise for keeping this to yourself for so long. I don't see it that way. You are incredibly strong to have survived this long, carrying this pain with you. You are even in college...most people with your history crumble. You have to give yourself credit for all this. And to top it off, you are considering telling someone else what happened. Many people are not brave enough to do that.

I think your number one priority MUST be to switch your major to Chemistry. I speak from personal experience, you will kick yourself forever if you do not. You will lose a year or maybe even two, but that is a whole lot better than losing your whole life in a career you don't really like. Look at the misery it's already causing you. Cut your losses now, not later when you've wasted years in CS. If you switch to Chemistry, you will be following your heart and intuition, and that is never going to lead you wrong. Do it today! Find out from the financial aid office how this can be accomplished. Find out how to actually change your major. Give yourself this one thing! There is no room for doubt on this issue- you must, must, must change your major, no matter what!

Most colleges have a clinic. They can definitely give you hormones to take. This is very important; you are re-living your abuse every month. Stop punishing yourself, you do not deserve this. At the very least, I know you can stop periods by taking birth control pills without skipping every 4th week.

If you feel like it would be safe to tell your mom, maybe you should make plans to do so. Even if you don't, it would be a good idea to find a counselor to talk to about this. They can help you work through all this so you don't have to suffer anymore. It will also enable you to reach out to other people and get the support you need. Most colleges have free counselors on campus.

I hope so much you get the relief you deserve.

Believe me, I'm only telling because it helps. I think I'm telling out of necessity rather than bravery.



I looked over everything, and I discovered I have enough to finish most of my breath requirements for chem and have a minor in CS. I guess it wasn't for nothing.

I thought people have no job prospects in chemistry? I know we should pursue something we love and all, but we need to put food on the table. That was the only thing that was holding me back from pursuing a natural science in the first place.



I should, but I'm not sure. I've never given myself a lot. I tell myself "no" on almost everything and deny myself everything.



I thought about birth control because it is certainly easier to access than testosterone. However, being transgender (female to male), taking birth control is the worst possible thing I can do to myself. I rather just try to get the testosterone.



I will try.



Thank you everyone. All this time I thought it wasn't serious enough to get help.

I mean, now looking back, I think I did pretty okay with what I had. I am in the top 15% of my class. I'm in an honor society. I have an excellent scholarship very few have (but I have to graduate by Spring 2014 but I know so many people). I'm doing pretty well as president of an engineering club, but I'm still trying to get things done.

I thought ignoring it would help, but no...

I was never expecting this latest period to be this bad and triggering. If I had known that ahead of time, I would have lightened the load and got the help I needed.

I thought that if I showed the slightest amount of weakness of regret that it would all be taken away from me. I'm scared my faculty mentor, for my undergraduate research, will hate me or will not understand. I'm not going to tell him what's happening to me. I've been terribly unproductive because I've been triggered so much for the past six months.

They've given me another chance. They extended a couple of my assignments. So I felt really guilty. I don't think that could be helped now.

I suppose I see it differently. Bravery is not the absence of fear; it is doing what must be done, even in the face of fear and pain.



Yay! I'm betting you feel better just knowing this.



Hmm...no jobs in chemistry. I don't know for a fact, but I would imagine there is a shortage of people who could do chemistry. Supply and demand dictates that the scarcity of people willing to specialize in chemistry would increase their value on the job market. (Hehe...can you tell I really wanted to study economics, not accounting?)

Having a job in chemistry and putting food on the table are not mutually exclusive. Plenty of people do it, and I've even heard of some who make quite a good living at it. If you accept a career in CS when you really don't like it, your life is only going to get harder. Yes, you do have to consider that college is an investment, and you need that investment to pay off. But this is not an all-or-nothing situation. Is there a way to choose a major you like and make a reasonable living? The answer is yes. You just have to go looking for the details of how you're going to make it work.

Don't make the mistake so many others make. If you pick a field you don't like, you might be able to run from the fact for awhile, but you can't hide. It will become an issue you will be forced to face one day. Don't let that day be the one where a family and material things have you trapped in a job that makes you miserable. Your intuition is telling you the right thing to do. Trust it.

"When it is obvious that the goal cannot be reached, don't adjust the goal. Adjust the action steps." - Confuscius



Maybe now is the time to begin. Re-examine the reasons why you always deny yourself everything. Do they make sense? Are they a result of the ideas others have poured into your head? Soon you will find yourself reaffirming that your body is your own. Your mind is, too. As you take back what is rightfully yours, you can gain a lot of power by rectifying the wrongs done to you. You can't change the past, but you can give yourself the things you should've gotten all along. You deserve to be happy, just like everybody else. Put yourself first.



Don't feel guilty. It's not like you were on a mission to take advantage of all of them. Sometimes, things change and you have to adjust your plans. It's nothing personal, so if they take it that way then their expectations are very unrealistic.

You're very correct. I've overheard my peers make rape out to be a joke or it happened because the person was "a slut". Or that because they don't see it as a big deal that people should easily deal with it. Sometimes, they say it in a more subtle matter but the context is still the same.

Unfortunately, they have not seemed to mature since high school. They are socially stuck, and I really do hope they'll wake up when they say those disgusting things at work and then find that they get fired.

If I had known that computer science had such a rape culture at my university, one I couldn't escape, I would have never started out there. I would have learned programming and such all on my own and gone to a "easier" major.

No wonder I've seen all the female students drop out or never even apply for the discipline in the first place. The young men there also have the audacity to say that females are "naturally bad" at the subject. And that's why there are less of them in the major. Look, while I and no one else ever saw me as a women, I can't hide the fact that I identify with women due to being so close to them.

My whole life, for 95% of the time, women have been my motivators, my saviors, my teachers, and my protectors. Due to the absence of role model men in my early life, I've been left a huge, monumental imprint by women. I consider them sacred in a way.

And then I come here and hear other young men say women are this "other" that only exists so they get prospects to date. Women are not fellow human beings. They have to "be a certain way". You can't be friends with women. Blah blah blah, the BS continues.



I was denied a change to chemistry. I told them everything and the science college told me I met none of their requirements so it was impossible for them to accept me.

So that was a big blow.

After that, I went to pick up a failed quiz. I really meant to just get the quiz and run back out. I was having a PTSD moment and my professor picked up on that. I broke down when he asked me if I was alright. I didn't tell him what happened like I did here, but I told him something.

He actually reassured me I wasn't a bad student, and it was okay if I felt like I didn't fit in. He noted he liked that "I was curious". For a brief moment, he looked teary eyed himself. I think he was empathizing with what I was feeling in someway, but I don't know how. He even gave me his personal phone number. That made me feel a lot better to know I wasn't considered a loss cause and the CS department was willing to work with me.

I then told my academic adviser this morning what was going on. She was pissed. Not at me but to know what was going on. She encouraged me to take it easy next quarter and take an extra two quarters to graduate with CS than what I was planning. She even commented about giving mandatory talks to all my peers so women and rape victims don't keep dropping out of the major like flies.

Maybe, just maybe, because I talked about the rape culture that it will become better.

Thank the Universal Order I at least have people who care about me at the university. Or else I would have fallen through the cracks. And thank you all who replied to this.

During winter break, I'm going to get a driver's license. Finish my undergrad research and start on a fresh project.