Whether Something Is In Me

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I can't make sense of what's happening to me. Each day, even having slept ten hours the previous night, getting up and out of bed seems impossible. I often lie there after waking up, thinking about how there's nothing for me to do, and nothing that I'd like to do that day. After this, certain parts of my body, especially my extremities, begin shaking uncontrollably. Within the last month or so, a dull ache has been developing somewhere along my right forearm area, down to where the wrist meets the hand.
My stomach sends me signals it's in need of something to be put in it, but very rarely does having food appeal. I still do eat, of course, but it's as if everything's been sprayed and coated in some kind of layer of tasteless uniformity after it's gone in my mouth. And after I do eat, I can't do anything but maintain a safe distance to the nearest bathroom, because everything digests improperly.
Sometimes after convincing myself in the most through possible way that really, I must get up, I'll walk directly into the bathroom and gaze at myself in the mirror without having any concept of time passing or being able to trace any thought patterns I may've had during that time. Of the recurring thoughts I have in front of the mirror, the most frequent is some derivative or permutation of "there's nothing within you, your own self staring back in the mirror." During these confrontations with myself in the mirror, a sense of being irretrievably bad or corrupted comes over me. I become frightened by being unable to discern what may've happened or how a certain string or series of events could make me view myself in this way, in the mirror.
I often think of myself as being no different from the inanimateness of the chair on which I write this message from currently. People are unknown to me, strangers to me, perplexing to me. Sometimes in grocery stores and in other checkout lines where interacting with an attendant is usually unavoidable, I feel as if I'm some sort of specter. I oftentimes stand around completely unrecognized for minutes.
I thought I had some idea as to what this that I'm writing aimed to accomplish. But whatever that was doesn't seem to be satisfied in what I've written so far. The thoughts I hold in my head never materialize as I've intended them to once they've hit the page. Finding the strength or the courage or whatever it is just to express these thoughts in written form has brought me to the brink of being physically ill. It's as if I've lost whatever it is I set out to do before I've even begun it.
Over the holidays, I was present in a few family gatherings of varying environments and circumstances. I'm worried people are worried about me and for me, because of my aloofness and disinterest in interacting during these situations. I at one point sat in a corner for well over an hour in the presence of a handful of others, my arms crossed, my feet tapping regularly, but probably almost imperceptibly to most people. I want to know how they view me. My emotional development and sophistication is dwarfed by people half my age. All I have is some sort of mildly-decent logical and chronologically-compehensive understanding of a few things (some books). I read often, yet for each unit of input there's not even a mentionable crumb of output. I suppose input exceeds output for most, but being conscious of the great disparity saddens me in a way that troubles me to articulate. I wonder what options exist for me to lessen the coldness within me and the paranoia of being grossly misunderstood and exploited and overlooked.
Please ask me questions, either for clarification about what's been mentioned above, or about situations you've thought of that draw on the concerns I've raised. I know what I've written is verbose and probably doesn't effectively communicate much through its length, but maybe someone out there will slog through it.

Ugh, I recognize -a lot- of myself in this especially the last couple of months, and I'm afraid to say it sounds like depression. Even though it doesn't feel like a depression because there's no real "sad" feelings there. Just an enormous amount of "friction" for lack of a better word.

Not wanting to "compare problems" but perhaps we come to a better understanding of this together:
First off, I've got problem with taste, eating and keeping it down at times. Pains in my body/lowerback that I can't explain and sometimes extremities/my entire body shivers uncontrollably. I'm worried that the few people who may care about me are worried, but no one seems to care that I just sit quietly in the corner at birthday parties and don't interact with the "group banter" any more, so I've stopped talking all together instead of just as "a test" and find myself going to less parties in general. When I look in the mirror I can't focus on myself, it's like playing a video game and seeing your character in a mirror and think "oh right that's me.. somehow.." and I find myself staring at the wall next to the mirror picturing myself staring into the mirror but then a different me looking back. Talking to people at the supermarket/gasstation is like using a machine that uses words to be activated and I find myself pausing and assessing the situation before saying something like you'd look at an item before using it but I still stumble at my words and apparently mumble as people 90% of the time have to go "I'm sorry?" and then I'm lost at what to do or on a good day start explaining the entire situation. And I can't get myself to commit to finish anything as my thoughts plan it out to a point that would eventually keep me from doing it. "Oh if I continue this now I'll need to do/buy this eventually and I won't be able to, so may as well not even go on".
- I sleep really bad or really well, it changes every couple of weeks.
- I've always had problem with peeing around other people (even outside the door I have to hear no one), but lately I find myself having problems to pee even with only just myself and there's hours where I become so focussed on it that I have to pee every 20 minutes as my mind is locked on the "aah relief" feeling that I have to dig for whenever I can't.

Just some random questions for you:
Do you smoke? I do, and sort off blame my lack of taste and often sick stomach on that but since a whole bunch of people smoke and I've never heard of -those- symptoms beyond stories of parents making their kids smoke an entire carton after getting caught it could also be non related.
Do you use any drugs? I smoke some weed and that helps with eating/relaxing but could blame all sorts of other things on that again if you have to believe some reports, and I could have a huge discussion about how I feel they're often putting smoking weed and the problems in the wrong order and thank the complete help for both problems entirely on the weed. (I mean someone with autism who has no help for his autism and smokes some weed and then supposedly needs addiction help for his weed problem and gets into a structured program and supposedly needed social rehabilitation/work reintegration that he all was supposedly failing at due to his smoking weed will of course end up getting better on his autism "faults" too. But to blame the problems on the weed and "the fix" then on him stopping the weed is of course nonsense)
Do you have any professional help? I used to have some different specialities autism coaches come over couple times a week to help with certain things but that slowed down for a couple of months now, so maybe I'm missing some social interaction/special attention. I do live at home with my brother and parents but the interaction/special attention from them is 0. Don't think they even came into my room the last 2 years. I do go downstairs to my brother's room or my parents when I just -need- to share something like this new rocket from SpaceX that levitated and landed itself with a test dummy standing on the outside, but they ignore me otherwise.
How are your plans for the future? Job or school a possibility?

My mind is somehow telling me that if I stopped smoking cigarettes and weed, used that money on going out every weekend/join some clubs/whatever and go back to school everything would be alright. But an even bigger part of my mind is telling me that's nonsense, and the idea of "changing my life" and still feeling like this or even worse after failing at school (again) for example is what's making my current situation "acceptable for now".


Sorry for talking about me so much, but it's the only thing I really know something about..