Worried about how unconfident I am

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I didn't think I was, but I am bad at socialising in some ways. I thought I had a mild social disorder, but I've found out it's so severe. I think it's because I lack confidence and I'm very nervous.

I just wanted to see what anyone thinks of this. I work as a cleaner at a care home for vulnerable elderly people. But I find myself cleaning rooms where there are little or no residents about. Like I hoover and dust the lounge/dining-room first thing in the morning before most of the residents go in there. Most of the residents sit in the lounge, but there are one or two that don't like to mix and prefer to sit in their rooms, and I tend to do their rooms first while they're having breakfast in the dining-room. I keep feeling mean because all the residents are so sweet and I feel like I'm trying to avoid working around them then I'm afraid that I look too solitary. I must admit, I do prefer to clean a room when there is nobody in the room because it's just easier, and when there are people in the room I feel I am a nuisance trying to hoover around them or I feel that I am invading their space. Some residents like to be alone when they're feeling unwell, and others don't like you to dust because they don't like their stuff moved, and I do rather just get their rooms done when they're not in the room.

But I feel mean, like I'm trying to avoid the residents, which I'm not in a nasty way. Would you do this, or am I just being weird?

Nursing home folks are pretty lonely. Believe me, they'd love to have you as a friend.

Yes, they would. Hopefully you don't end up with any pervy old men, though. Having said that, I'm not sure what your reaction would be if one of them was actually a bus driver in a former life...

I know that you're shy, but are there any Asperger's/local groups for shy people out there that could help you and assist you in working on your confidence? It's not much use to me, but Outsiders is a charity like that for helping people make friends. They're mostly based in London and have regular meetups and dinners around that area. I know that you don't live too far from there, so I just thought it might be worth telling you.

Last edited by Tequila on 03 Jan 2013, 2:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't think you are being mean at all. I think I would feel uncomfortable going in their room with them in it to clean, because even though they want and need their room cleaned up, I'd feel like I was intruding or that I should try to make some kind of conversation while cleaning.

If this is working out for you doing it the way you are doing it, and nobody is complaining about it then I say keep it up. If you want to start talking more to them at work, try picking one person and make yourself go out of your way only for that one person for the whole week, so you don't feel like it's too much too soon.

Well I am better at making conversations with the residents in the hallways, rather than in their rooms. I know the residents don't judge me, if I act a little nervous or say stupid things, they don't notice at all, especially those with Dementia. I think small children recognise more body language than old people with Dementia do, because small children are rapidly learning all the time.

But dealing with anyone, you still got to have some sort of confidence to do it. Even with animals. My friend works with cats, and even she was nervous when she was first there. She was timid because she was afraid of accidently hurting them, so she kind of unintentionally let them wander and get into cat fights. Now she is a little more confident with them because she knew she had to be. So whether or not a living thing will judge you or not is not always why one is unconfident. Confidence can be a very funny emotion/trait to describe. It doesn't always mean ''able to go to a big crowded bar and socialise and make loads of friends'', although that often springs to mind when I hear the word ''confidence''. It could mean a lot of complex things besides that.

So that is why I not only lack social confidence (as in interacting with people in general), I also lack confidence in myself, like in performance, and I worry too much about how others think and feel. I even do with animals, like my friend said.
I am having counselling, and we are going to have a talk next week about seeing if there is anything to help me with confidence. I did go to a little meeting place last year (but stopped going because one of the days I have to work fell on the only day they done the meetings), and it was with other people who have had all different types of bad experiences or are going through tough times, et cetera. There were some shy/anxious/unconfident people there, others were a little strange but so talkative that you couldn't get a word in edgeways. But I still didn't really meet anyone to become good friends with, and it didn't really change the way I feel about myself, even though I was going for quite a long time (nearly 9 months). I've done CBT, but I found that didn't help either. Might of gave me a few tips but it seemed like it was more aimed at older people who have issues with things like marriage or money.

that is okay, not everyone have to fit in everywhere.

I think that's working in a practical manner. I cleaned floors at a supper WalMart for two years & we could get a lot more work done when there were fewer customers in the store. You can get the work done faster when you don't have to work around the residents or talk to them & your getting paid to work instead of socializing. That said they could probably tell that your the introverted quiet type. You feel unconfident because of your bad social skills & experiences & the way to improve is to socialize & have better experiences. A lot of the people there are probably lonely & are friendly or characters who like to tell stories or shoot the breeze. I think it would help if you could push yourself to work around then a tad more often; for example if there's only one or two in the lounge that are visiting with each other or eating you could start cleaning on the side away from them & gradually work your way towards them & they will probably be gone before you get to them or will be polite about moving out your way or polite & say Hi & maybe chat a tad. My social skills & conidence improved a lot from working at WalMart even thou being forced to deal with customers & coworkers was very stressful for me, especially at 1st.