I really need help

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This is the hardest time in my life. This is the crunching time. This is when I will either grow and overcome what is holding me back, or I'm descending into darkness. My whole life has been a waste. I've held everything inside all my pains and troubles because I never had a forum for them. My parents never understood, and I had very few friends. I never had any romance. It really f*****g sucks. I could never express them in words. Whenever I tried nobody understood...not even by a little bit. My defense mechanism for being an emotional boy was to block off all my emotions. So thats how I evolved. I just kept everything to myself and became cold and distant. But there isnt any growth that comes from that. Deep down inside my true feelings are always still there. That deep nagging voice on the inside, the heart's deepest desires, the only reason why life is worth living....The warmth of real human connection

I was never really connected to my family. That is wrong. Everything has felt wrong in my life. I feels like I grew up in the wrong family, the wrong city, the wrong school.

It really doesn't matter if I am AS or not anymore. It doesn't matter what label. The only thing that matters is that I move forward, that I get this beast off my heart in real life. Once that pressure is released once I can finally relax and start enjoying life, once the ridiculous suicide thoughts go away, then I will be ready to move forward.

I started school yesterday and today I have felt the most anxiety I have ever felt in my whole life. I felt the most conflicted the most nervous, the most ashamed....I have never felt so stuck inside my head, so uncomfortable, so painful. The anxiety I felt it was physical beyond anything else I could hardly make eye contact with anyone, there was so much sensory input going on from the lights and all the other students, the girls, the rooms and buildings Iv'e never been in.

That feeling, was everything stirring up inside me, every pain and insecurity reverberating through my body, all of my social anxiety at once just blockading me, and all of the conflicting pressure of my rational mind telling me that this is just the first day of school and that there isn't anything to be nervous about.

NO. Not all of the rational thought is going to make a difference. I felt what my body was telling me. It was that powerful that I had to focus the whole time sitting there to just "shut my thoughts and feelings down" or would start crying.

I have felt this feeling throughout my life, it is nothing new but it has never been this strong. There has never been such a "Where the f**k am I?" "What am I doing here"? shooting pains. I have always looked for escapes and found them whether it be porn or gambling, or music or video games or anything else. Its just left me in a no-man's land.

I have talked to therapists before, but when you are in a room one-on-one with a professional, you are in a sterile environment, and I feel different than If I was surrounded by people. Even being at home I am calm and different, so my parents really never had a clue as to what I was like and I could never begin to describe.

My genetics play a huge factor in this. I was unlucky to have inherited some of this. Most people will never have experienced what I have. I always wished I was just a regular outgoing guy. Iv wished so much, iv tried emulating sooo much. thats part of the problem too is all of those conflicting emotions and thoughts and behaviors and feelings. I am on anti-depressents and I am taking different supplements to strengthen myself, but so far nothing has helped. I excercise regularly and I try to eat very well, but I still have terrible sleep problems.

How did I make it this far? How did I get to this point in life without taking a big stab at my problems and that I cannot answer because my mind has twisted and turned so many ways.

I am looking into chakras and meditation and buying some Phenibut powder or Piracetam. Im looking to try anything. My life the way it is isn't worth living. It never has been.

My advice? Find a coping mechanism that doesnt revolve around people too much.

My music is mine - if i went deaf, the world would truly be a terrible place to live.

Time is a great healer - i remember being 15 and feeling the way you do - and again later in life when i first started anti-deppressants.

You have to hold onto something that you truly prize, because if you dont, you will spiral into really black deppression and thats hard to pull yourself out of - because no one understands you at all.

I've always had several hobbies that I've used to de-stress after social interaction.

Right now, I play darts and garden (lucky enough to live in my own home). I also play Scrabble by myself on the computer.

Age 25 is known to be a hard time. Maybe something going on in the head in the transistion from youth to middle age. I can only suggest you stop looking at yourself in comparison to others & start focusing on what you really are and the value you know you have or can have. The images that media projects are basically lies and everyone else is just as screwed up inside though maybe in different ways. You have the energy and motivation needed. If you can make yourself into something that you are proud of others will pick up on that in time.

" If you can make yourself into something that you are proud of others will pick up on that in time."

I'm not proud of myself though. I hate myself. I regret everything in my life. Everything. period I missed out on everything. I missed out on everything.....I can't tell you how much this fucken hurts..... If I had the change to be someone else I would do it. If I could just start my life over again I would do it f**k I wouldnt f*****g hesitate I feel like such a piece of s**t waste

Hey would it make it you feel any better if I was going through the same s**t? I've had a very twisted past, and on the first day of college I only talked to one person, my teacher, I was oblivious to anyone else in my classroom, or on campus, and I'm not gonna lie man I was kind of shocked how much you and I have mirrored feelings. It is very hard to describe social feelings to a counselor when you know it's impossible for you to replicate the feelings you have with groups of people towards one person, and I know that pain to that's negativity that's caused by a Chi imbalance and meditation and learning how to focus ones mind, and discovering what your own mind can unlock from this world is better than all that company that inhabits the planet. You can do great things with you're own brain just like anyone else through out history can, and if you were about any social s**t like meeting a girl all you can do is remember that it'll happen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vj-B42gXcoQ

OP, some people have more regrets than others, but your situation sounds unique.

It could be that your mind is hypersensitive to stimuli. Have you ever been prescribed psychiatric drugs to simply turn down that mental volume so you can more easily handle complex situations?

There are also non-prescription coping mechanisms. Try visiting the school after classes, with permission. Get used to the lights and desks and such so they aren't so stressful during class.

Are there specific regrets or issues you have beyond those?

How about making a list of them for yourself. "Reasons you don't like yourself". Keep each one specific, and add more items to flesh it out if needed. Then ask for help on correcting or improving each one.

There are always solutions. Sometimes it's just hard to see them.

JBlitzen> Its impossible to really go through everything, but basically self-diagnosing myself I have had social anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, love-shyness my whole life. I'v never really known how to make friends, how to connect with people. Instead of seeking help I just withdrew myself from everything, and then I thought going to college I would mature, but I kept getting stuck and now so much time has passed my brain feels fried from all the porn and insomnia.

I feel so ashamed of myself. Iv never had any romance. I can even begin to describe the feelings that hit me, this sense of "where the f**k am I now" i feel so jaded....

anyways there is always hope for the future I know I have to just keep telling myself "im a good guy" a lot of my low self-esteem and depressed is just hardwired in

Well, sometimes those feelings are your mind's way of giving you a gentle nudge toward making changes.

Think of one positive thing you could do this weekend to help change your life. Then do it.

Try meetup.com, or meeting someone some other way. Try introducing yourself to a random person. Or signing up for a class. Or a volunteer activity. Or learning a skill.

There are so many things you can do. If your subconscious wants you to change that badly, listen to it.

You might want to give the cracked link in my sig a read. The salient point for you is that it's not enough to tell yourself that you're a good person. If you really want to overcome your depression, you need to become a good person. And that really isn't a very difficult thing. All it takes are small changes and a little determination. And your subconscious nagging is giving you the determination.

So, listen to it, and recognize that it's a healthy and positive thing. It's not a sign that you're hopelessly broken or something.

To kind of break it down into a simpler idea, its like you do have all the necessary ingredients but haven't yet come of with a good recipe. Granted when you are born on the spectrum (or something similiar) you can't just goggle Betty Crocker and whip something up. Its usually a lot harder and a lot more trial and error.

The only quick idea I get from reading your words is to shift from focusing on whats wrong and what doesn't work to identifying and making the most of your strengths. Yes, you do have those. Its not the only place to start, but I think the best place to start is sucessfully having a work/profession. It has a way of bringing many other things into line and can lead to more confidence and success in other areas.