Got into a bad situation. Don't know how to feel...help...

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Hey guys. I could really use some help with my feelings. I'm really mad at myself right now. I let something happen which I really shouldn't have. I am so naive it is ridiculous... I'm sure most of you can relate.

So I agreed to meet up with this guy last night, who I sort of know/have known for a long time. He's an unpopular guy, homeless, opinionated, perpetually drunk. We get together sometimes to drink a beer by the bridge and have conversations and a few laughs, which I enjoy. Anyway, the last time we hung out, he said a few sexual things to me, which made me uncomfortable, so before we met up, I sent him a message saying that I'm not interested in anything sexual or romantic with him, to make it clear. He said it was a strange assumption for me to make, but I really don't think it was.

Anyway, we met up and drank a couple of beers, and were having a good time. We walked around, sat in the park, conversed, bonded. He was talking about how he can't see 2 of his kids, and I asked why. He said something about having been in jail. I asked him why he went to jail, and he offhandedly told me he had been convicted of raping someone. He said he didn't do it, but she accused him of it BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T f**k HER. This SHOULD have been a red flag to me. How could I be so dumb?????!??! !?

So, it started to get cold, so we went back to my house, because I'm a complete idiot. I told him he could sleep on my couch. I was feeling quite kindly towards him at this point, and we'd been having good conversations, so when he asked if he could snuggle with me, I said ok... because, well, he said snuggle, so I thought he meant snuggle, and where's the harm in a snuggle? So after a bit, he starts kissing me, groping me...I kind of went along with it, because I didn't know what else to do. Then I said I wasn't into it, but he wouldn't BELIEVE me... the scariest thing was that he seemed to think I was enjoying it, when I wasn't at all... I kept telling him to cool it, and he kept kissing me and touching me with his super scratchy stubbly face and super rough hands... it didn't seem like a big deal at the time, which is the f****d up part, and makes me wonder wtf is wrong with me... he was saying things like, "you came pretty close to coming, there" and when I denied it, he started telling me essentially that I don't know what an orgasm is, or I don't know my own body... it's so disgusting... he started telling me he was in love with me, and how I "made" him fall in love with me...I did no such thing...........................................

Anyway, I managed to get him to stop, and made him sleep on the couch, and he hauled his drunk ass out of there before the morning, leaving this gross alcohol sweat smell in my room, which is now a total disaster of blankets, food crumbs and crushed beer cans...

This is all made worse by the fact that I recently started seeing a super great guy who is so kind to me, so accommodating, and is such a good friend. We had agreed to be polyamorous, but this situation is adding a whole new level of confusion. And I have a hickey on my neck. A gross, unwanted, hobo hickey. And today my boyfriend is making me supper in celebration of Valentine's day. What can I say to him?! !? I'm so embarrassed. I feel like a s**thead for getting myself into such a stupid situation. I feel like he is too good to me to have to deal with this sort of idiot move on my part. I'm afraid he'll get fed up with me. I don't want to tell him because I am so embarrassed and angry with myself, but what can I say to him? if I don't say anything, it will seem like I'm hiding something, like I'm cheating on him... and I feel like I did cheat on him, like I didn't try hard enough to resist at the time...I went along with the motions for a bit, even though I felt nothing... why did I do that?!

Wow, writing this all down is making me feel even stupider. WHY do I only realize these glaringly obvious mistakes in retrospect?!?! I really shouldn't drink. Or take home stray humans and let them sleep in my bed. Especially not convicted sex offenders. Oh god. WTF is wrong with me?! !?!?!?!?!?!?

(edit) This is not the first time something like this has happened. I always believe the best of people and I find myself in bad situations. I can't justify not giving someone a chance to be trustworthy. Why is this? Where can I draw the line? Where are my boundaries? How can I justify trusting one person and not another? It's like I have to trust everyone, or no one. There is no grey area and I don't know how to gauge it.

Firstly, you're not to blame. He is.

Secondly, even though he sent you some major red flags (which many people would have picked up on), you're not to blame for not picking up on them. He is responsible for raping you.

Thirdly, you were clear about your lack of sexual interest in him from the beginning. You're not to blame. He is.

Fourthly, you made it fairly clear that you didn't want it to happen. You're not to blame. He is.

I'm sorry that this happened to you. Make sure you avoid the SOB in future - he disgustingly betrayed your trust and used it to violate you. He's an unwashed scumbag. Don't feel sorry for him. It's probably too late now (for physical evidence), but you should go to the police as he's basically admitted to rape before.

Consequences. You now have a great starting point to start working on your interpersonal boundaries.

You've spelled out your problem perfectly. The first step in change is defining the problem. You've done that. You're there.

Sounds like you are a very trusting person and take things at face value. I'm a bit like that myself. It occurs to me later than something someone did or said was unacceptable. I am slow to process things.

This drunk rapist guy is trouble . . . although you've realized this yourself. But if he stumbles back into your life, run in the other direction!

I don't think you cheated on your boyfriend and I don't think you need to tell him about the incident at all. He doesn't know where you got the hickey. Perhaps this could start a conversation about the expectations of a polyamorous relationship.

Use the incident as something to learn from. I've done extremely regrettable things, but I've tried to use the experiences to alter my behaviour for the better. And I used to put myself in dangerous situations, but have learned not to - if you mix a spark with gasoline you'll get a fire.

As far as the 'red flags' go, yes there were many. If you sense them at the time and not just in retrospect it is a good idea to trust your instinct and act on it. That's not just my thought, but I have read it in also in an article on how best to avoid being a victim of a crime or assault. We have some basic defensive instincts like other animals, such as the hair going up on the back of your neck. They are there for a reason. Don't just ignor them. There are also more subtle warnings. Over-reacting might lead to embarrassment but better embarrassed safe then sorry.

I would really like to trust people, but because of past experiences and a protective nature I have had to learn to lean the other way very early on. I'll play it cool on the outside, but inside I assume the worst until proven otherwise and won't allow people into my trust or space until they have become an actual friend.

I feel uncomfortable with the amount of people encouraging the victim to see herself as partially the one at fault in this thread. It doesn't sit at all right with me.

Yes, working on your boundaries is something you can improve on but, once more, you're not to blame for what happened to you. Don't ever think that, OP.

I really like this advice. Read your post over and over again. You've got it. What you're missing is the ability to trust your own intuition. You ignored the red flags - and as unfortunate as it was, the only "good thing" out of this is your realization.

How was Vday? Did your bf notice your hickey?

Uh...no. Hiding this from the boyfriend is a really bad idea. These things have a way of getting found out sooner or letter and it would be more stressful on the OP to hide it if it's upsetting her this much. And it's best to be honest even if you are in a polyamorous relationship.

I've been in situations similar to the OPs in the past. When you're in a situation with a guy like that, it does become uncomfortable to try to escape from it. So even though much of you is not being consensual to it, you feel it's better to go with the flow because trying to get out would cause bigger problems. My advice, though I dunno how effective it would be, would be to really try and cut the guy off from your life if you're really becoming uncomfortable with him. Also, avoid getting drunk with him in the future.

I don't think the OP would be hiding. It's up to her how much of what happened that she wants to share with him.

?? I don't see any mention of rape, or penetration??

I was reading between the lines.